Being true to myself....and Z goes into hibernation again

Aug 25

Father, as expected, Z didn't call me. If I were to see from his side, he could be feeling angry and etc for me not following his 'way'.

I am still disturbed. I cannot control nor influence him. I already knew he doesn't like confrontation. The only thing I can do is to let him go as he doesn't love me nor want us to have a committed rship. And to remember this too will past. I just have to start my new phase without him. Honestly I got what I want from the rship and there is nothing more that I can grow except to let go.

The only thing bit worrying me is my menses which was delayed one week. But I recalled my menses came the next day we spend the night. So, it should be fine.

Father, after the practices, fear is gone again. I called Z but he didn't pick up. I just msg him about the delay in menses. Father, this reminds me of the BB. Somehow, things keep me going back to him. Anyway, after the practice, I just focused that we do have a rship, it may be different from others but there is a commitment about us. Just like he didn't contact me for 3 weeks but he is confident I be there for him, the same for me.

I just tweeted: when u feel safe, u r not afraid to be vulnerable. Father, is ok. I just fall in deeper, I wonder how much I can go. I love him.

When I was meditating, I tot of him setting conditions on having him. Then I tot of myself too of setting conditions, albeit mine is normal. Anyway, both of us need to work this out together. Looking at my sis and husband, I realise rship has ups and downs and at times u don't want to see each other.

I did my practice and these days I found my body lighter after doing shakti the right way. Emotion also more stable.


Osho
If u go looking inside, gradually u start feeling a beautiful light inside. It is not aggressive light like the sun, it is more like the moon. It is not glaring, it is not dazzling, it is very cool. It is soothing, it is a balm.
By and by, when u have adjusted to the inside light, u will see that u r the very source. The seeker is the sought. The treasure is within u.


Soul
Yea.

Father, I wonder about myself. The old me would have reacted long time ago. But with Z, my egoless seem to be never ending. I just knew that once I overcome my challenge with him, I grow. Perhaps that's what kept me going.

Osho
Truthfulness means authenticity - to be true, not to be false, not to use mask. Whatsoever is ur real face, show it at whatever the cost.
Don't be a reformer, don't try to teach others. If u change, that's enough of a message.
To be authentic, means to remain true to ur being. One, never listen to anybody, what they tell u to be. Always listen to ur inner voice, what u would like to be; otherwise ur whole life is wasted.

Remember, be true to ur inner voice. It may lead u into danger, then go in danger, but remain true to the inner voice. Then there is a possibility that one day u will come to a state where u can dance with inner fulfillment.

Soul
Tot of P, her 2 close friends, me and M is egoless when it comes to our romantic relationship. P find it difficult to take. But she has changed. The old P would have said I got low self-esteem but she now said I am egoless.

On Z, just love him while I can. One day, once my cup is full, I may just let go. Remember it took Sl nearly 4 years to let go. Me, just starting.

Osho
Then the second thing, only if u have done the first thing of being true to urself, does the second thing become possible - never wear a mask. If u r angry, be angry. It is risky, but don't smile because that is being untrue.
The third thing is authenticity. Always remain in the present because all falseness enters from the past or from the future. That which has passed has passed. Don't bother about it and don't carry it as a burden; otherwise it will not allow u to be authentic to the present.
And all that has not come has not come yet. Don't unnecessarily be bothered about the future, otherwise that will come into present and destroy it.
Be true to the present and then u will be authentic.