Embracing my Silence

Sept 18

Father, I woke up awake before 4.10 am. Body is fine but I don't want to do hata. I just want to rest. I slept back and woke up 5.15 am and finished practice at 6.57 am. I had no expectation cos I skip my Monday practice and went for a lovely walk in the park. To my surprise, even at Guru Pooja, my head was shaking non-stop. Then breathing was fine. Shakti was ok. Shambavi was deep, head shaking non-stop. It took me longer to come up and so I am not surprised to see it is nearly 7 am.

I drove and there is a sense of contentment. Mind was quite quiet too. I just drove and feel the trees and flowers around me. Contentment set in. Tot of Z, nothing personal. He desires me but he followed his dream, just like me desires him but follow my dream. The same that I desire exciting job with good pay but my dream is 3 days job and writing. Also, I may be a deterrent in his dream and he is borrowing another 500k to finance his business.

Osho
If u repressed anything. It will come out in some way. Innocence is ur nature. Innocence is not something to be achieved. It has only been repressed deep down in u. If all the repressions are removed it will start surfacing. U will become a child again.

Soul
I tot of me repressing my unlovability and insecurity on money, perhaps that's why I attract Z (double lesson) into my life. Amen. Thanks to Z, I learned both. Lesson is gone. Lovable or unlovable, that's me. Good or not in something, that's me too. Nothing to hide. No good or bad, just me.
Father, such a peace falls on me. Then a giggle came. Everything is OK.

Osho
Even though the society destroys ur intelligence it cannot destroy it totally; it only covers it with many layers of information.
And that's the whole function of meditation; to take u deeper into urself. It is a method of digging into ur own being to the point when u come to the living waters of ur own intelligence, when u discover the springs of ur own intelligence.
When u have discovered ur child again, when u r reborn, then, only then will u understand.

A master is not a psychoanalyst, he is a mirror. He simply reflects u with all ur burdens, tensions, anxieties, anguish, with all ur problems, with all ur miseries.


Soul
Tot of Z being my mirror. If I don't have the feeling of unlovability. He can't hurt me. Tot of Seven of Spades - how am I extreme?

Seven of Heart
It is a highly spiritual number, promises success in love if u try a new approach and adopt a more selfless or unattached attitude. If we can allow others to be who they are and not place so many demands upon them, we not only become more aware of their true personalities, but we also allow ourselves the freedom to be just who we are and experience just how it feels to be free of fear and attachment.

Soul
This morning I have accepted Z's decision to choose for his dream, which is the same as I did. For now, we are not aligned.