Losing Z means I am unlovable..fear to face it makes me prolong the rship

Aug 27
Father, I woke up at 4 am but I waited for alarm. Anyway, woke up at 5.20 am but mind was deliberating on Z and also yoga. Feeling bit lazy. Anyway, I ignored both and did my practice and it was fine.

Today, on my drive, instead of focusing on Z, I focus on my breathe and the trees. They look good.

Tot of Z, his dream is Eight of Heart - power of love. He does have it but he think he doesn't have it, so it make it difficult for people to love him and in the end he doesn't has the love he dreamed of.
What about me, my dream is Self-Mastery. Perhaps I already have it and then lose it. At work, I can say I have self-mastery but not at rship. Even now, I don't dream I have Z, I just want to handle the situation without being affected. Similar to being in control; similar to being invulnerable.
I recalled I read Self-mastery is being able to face all. Not to close all. Perhaps, instead of wanting the situation not to affect me. I should just let it affect me. Feeling once expressed is released. So, is good that I asked Z of his intention. My limit is up. I waited for his phd, I waited for his children and now he wants me to wait for his money. He creates so much hurdles. He cannot believe I love him and put me thru the tests. His tests even include me being one-sided as he doesn't reveal his feelings for me nor try to express.
Father, how does this reflect on me? Let me see this.

On my body, I am getting back in shape since I didn't eat the contraceptive for nearly 3 months. The first month, menses was accelerated, 2nd month was normal and 3rd month delayed. Let it be delayed.

Osho
Mind has only 2 alternatives, fight or flight. Whenever there is a problem, the mind says either fight it or escape from it and both are wrong. If u fight, u remain with the problem, the problem will be there continuously. If u flight, u r divided because the problem is not outside, is inside.

Soul
That's what I am asking. I fight, asking Z to show up or I flight, asking Z to release me. Both is on him.
What about me?

Osho
Why can't u relax. Because u have so suppressed so many things. U r afraid that if u relax, they will come up.

Soul
Yea, perhaps. I am afraid to let this be.
I learned Z is immovable, I cannot control nor influence him.
I have an issue with being unlovable. I am fighting to obtain Z so I can prove I am lovable. Since it doesn't work, I am escaping so that I don't have to face it.
Perhaps this is what I need to face. Me facing my fear of being unlovable and finally realised I am lovable.
Father, this could be a lesson in self-mastery. Perhaps I should see the big pix. Perhaps the outcome is not Z but me, a lovable me.

Osho
Neither fight or flight will help. Where will u go? Wherever u go, u will carry urself with u, and ur shadow will be there.
One has to understand the logic of the mind. If u don't understand, u will be a victim of it. The mind has a vicious logic, it is a vicious circle, it is circular. If u listen to it, then every step will lead u more and more in the circle.
The shadow is urs, it is not somebody else following u. If it were, the logic of fight or flight would have been right.
The mind was useless
Mind for others, meditation for urself. Mind for others, no-mind for urself.
The whole emphasis is that u can use the mind for others, no-mind for urself.

Soul
Mmmm, something here! Tell me more. This is not about Z. This is about me. Z comes back again so I can learn it. I obviously didn't learned first round.
I am fighting against my unlovability. I am running away from my unlovability. Unlovability is what I think of myself.
Z couldn't believe he is lovable, so he put his lover thru so many tests.
I couldn't believe I am unlovable, so I fight it. I am running away from my unlovability.
I started with unlovability, and then lovability and now faced unlovability.

Osho
The mind cannot give u anything new; whatsoever it gives u is borrowed. And if u r addicted to listening to it, always u will be in trouble when u turn toward urself.
When there is a conversion, a turning toward the source, then u will be in difficulty. Then this mind is absolutely useless - not only useless, it is positive hindrance, it is harmful. So drop it.

Soul
Something is here. This is about me.

Osho
Logic has its own steps, and each step follows another, there is no end to it. The man frightened by his shadow followed the mind, so he ran faster and faster without stopping until he finally dropped dead. Faster and faster without stopping ... then only death can occur.

Soul
Suddenly tot of me and Z. I rushed into it to overcome my unlovability. Now I want to prolong it to prove I am not unlovable.

Osho
He attributed his failure to the fact that he was not running fast enough. So he ran faster and faster, without stopping, until he finally dropped dead. He failed to realise that if he merely stepped into the shade, his shadow would vanish.

The shade is called silence, that shade is called inner peace. Don't listen to the mind. Just step into the shade, into the inner silence where no rays of the sun enter.

U remain on the periphery, that's the problem. There u r in the light of the outside world and shadow is created. Close ur eyes, move into the shade. The moment u close ur eyes, the sun is no longer there. Hence all meditations are done with closed eyes - u r moving into ur own shade.
Inside there is no sun and no shadow. Outside is society, outside are all types of shadows. Ur anger, ur sex, ur greed, ur ambition, are all part of society? If u really move in and leave society out, where is sex? where is anger?

Soul
Yea, where is unlovability???

Osho
But remember, in the beginning when u close ur eyes, they are not really closed. U carry images from the outside world inside, and u will find the same society reflected.
But if u continue to simply moving, moving inside, sooner or later, society will be left out. U r in, society is out - u have moved from the periphery to the center.
Remember, the opposites are also outside - inside u r neither this nor that. U r simply being, pure. Pure, with no opposites hanging around, fighting or flighting. No, simply being. U have moved into the shade.

And if u sat down, stayed still, there could be no more foosteps. It was really easy. But that which is easy is so difficult.

The mind always finds it easier to run, to fight, because then there is something to do. If u say to the mind, "Don't do anything", that is the most difficult thing.

Mind is activity, and being is absolute inactivity. Mind is running, being is sitting.
The periphery is moving, the center is not moving.
Look at the wagon wheel moving, the wheel is moving but the center around the wheel is static, absolutely static, non-moving.
Ur being is eternally unmoving, ur periphery is continuously moving.

Soul
Father, thank U.
I have been following the mind. Now I understand my Resolution Card

Change
Life repeats itself mindlessly _ unless u become mindful, it will go on repeating like a wheel.
Love followed by hate, hate followed by love and etc.
Life is continuously changing, evolving, dying and being reborn. All opposites play a part in this vast circular pattern. If u cling to the edge of the wheel, u can get dizzy! Move toward the center of the cyclone and relax, knowing that this too will pass.

Soul
Amen