Hoping to move on from Z...but alas not yet

Sept 11 Aft
Father, I just did my shoonya. So beautiful. I was laughing throughout. I was happy that Z and I now come to a finale. I have send an invite and when he don't respond due to fear, I can safely move on.
We both come to a good place, a good ending.

(Sept 29 - alas...I am still vacillating, I am now in Three of Clubs in Venus..in-decision. Today I even checked my Osho tarot card on our rship...I guess I miss him and I wanted him back. But the bigger part of me said no. So ironic, I got a Schizophrenia card...stuck in between 2 hard places..don't know which way to turn)

Did my Rship card with him and got this.
1. Me
Morality
The Queen of Cloud lurks in the minds of all of us who have been brought up with rigid ideas of good and bad, sinful and virtuous, acceptable and unacceptable, moral and immoral.
Remember that all these judgments of the mind are just products of our conditioning. And whether our judgements are applied to ourselves or to others, they keep us from experiencing the beauty and godliness that lies within.
Only when we break through the cage of our conditioning and reach the truth of our own hearts can we begin to see life as it really is.

Soul
True, I was in my mind since yesterday afternoon once Z got back into my life. It is easier for me to move on. Anyway, comparison and etc was made. So much in my mind until the I was getting tired and only stopped when suddenly awareness of the flower branches comes to my view. Then I laughed at myself. Just be lah.

2. Z
The Outsider
The small child in this card is standing on one side of a gate, looking through it. He is so small and so convinced he cannot get through, he cannot see that the chain holding the gate is not locked; all he has to do is open it. Feeling like a small, helpless child.
U now have an opportunity to stop the tape, to quit tormenting urself with ideas that u r somehow not 'enough' to be accepted and included. Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past, and let go of the old pain. It will bring u the clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.

3. The Composite Energy
Laziness
The msg this card brings is that this poolside resort is not ur final destination. The journey isn't over yet, as that white bird flying into the vastness of the sky is trying to show. Ur complacency might have arisen from a real sense of achievement, but now it's time to move on. No matter how fuzzy the slippers, how tasty the pina colada, there are skies upon skies waiting to be explored.

Soul
I tot it was the ending. And moving on is easier than continuation.

4. The Insight
Totality
Every moment, there is a possibility to be total. Whatsoever u r doing, be absorbed in it so utterly that the mind thinks nothing, is just there, is just a presence. And more and more totality is coming.
And try to see when u r not total. Those are the moments which have to be dropped slowly, slowly. When u r not total, whenever u r in the head - thinking, brooding, calculating, cunning, clever -- u r not total.
It is just an old habit. Habits die hard. But they die certainly -- if one persists, they die.

Osho
1. Issue
Totality

Soul
Same card as above. Looks like I been in my heard.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
The Rebel
The Rebel has formed himself by embracing all the colours of the rainbow, emerging from the dark and formless roots of his unconscious past and growing wings to fly into the sky.
His way of being is rebellious - not because he is fighting against anybody or anything, but because he has discovered his own true nature and is determined to live in accordance with it.
The Rebel challenges us to be courageous enough to take responsibility for who we are and to live our truth.

Soul
Amen.

3. External influence
Suppression
It is essential to release whatever tensions and stresses that might be building up inside u right now. Do anything to shake up ur energy and allow it to circulate freely.

Soul
Yea, suppressed my want of Z. Suppressed my need to leave new company.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Rebirth
Whatever the space u r in right now - sleepy and depressed or roaring and rebellious - be aware that it will evolve into something new if u allow it. It is a time of growth and change.

Soul
For the first time I see the fear in Z and I can emphatise in him. I am not sure if he can come out but at least I don't want to stay in my own fear too.

5. Resolution
Ice-olation