Becoming Nobody (losing position of sathsang guide)

Sept 9

Father, I didn't sleep well yday. Most probably due to Z and my body heat.
Did my morning walk, not as weightless as last Sunday. But I feel happy and my hand was raised most of the times and songs comes to me.
On Z, I love him but I don't want to be in the past rship with him. No hard feelings, we can be casual friends, I need not avoid him. It will take time for me to forget him but it can happen. I want a full-time partner, not a part-timer.

Yea, today I am not the Sathsang Guide. Last Friday when I told V that C was the Sathsang Guide and he said "Wow". No one ever said that about me.

I guess this is the ending of me being Sathsang Guide. I never wanted the position and hold it for nearly 2 years. I am happy just being a meditator as I truly enjoyed sathsang. I really missed it. However, now I am feeling like a Nobody.

Today 7thunder card is Six of Spades - a settling of all affairs and at the same time bring some much needed peace into ur life. A good day for meditation.

Anyway, I am glad C is doing it cos I really need my Sathsang to energise myself for the ending with Z. This morning I knew I still love him but I don't want to go back to the past. I will always be grateful for opening me up. I am ok if we are not together. I am looking forward to my Self. We can just be casual friend. No need to harbour resentment because he cannot be with me.

I did the Rship cards on Z. I am not so clear on the msg.
1. Me - Thunderbolt
Me leaping from tower not because I want to, but I have no choice. In the background is a transparent, meditating figure representing the witnessing.
Ur sense of security is being challenged, and the natural tendency is to try to hold on to whatever u can. But this inner earthquake is both necessary and tremendously important - if u allow it, u will emerge from the wreckage stronger and more available for new experiences.
Say 'yes' to the process by meeting it halfway.

Soul
Yea, me now a Nobody to everyone. My belt of success - career, Isha and rship is all gone. I am left with nothing. Tears brimming again.
A tot came, but u will welcome new things.

2. Z - Maturity
Wherever u r, it will be there, and the flowers will continue to shower on u. This is spiritual spring.
All life experiences have brought him to this time of perfection. This is a gift for hard work well done. Ur base is solid now and success and good fortune are urs for they are the outcome of what has already been experienced within.

Soul
Yea, his financial is stronger. That's what he needs. He is now ready to embark on the type of rship he wants. It is not me. I am happy for him. He deserves his happiness.

3. Composite energies
Past Lives
The point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour.

Soul
Not sure about this.

4. Insight
Comparison
Comparison brings inferiority, superiority. When u don't compares, all inferiority, all superiority disappears. Then u r, u r simply there. A small bush, or a big tree. It doesn't matter ur urself.
U r needed. A grass leaf is needed as much as the biggest star.

Soul
Tot of me being a Nobody in everywhere, even with Z. I am not his Top 5.
Anyway, ok lah. I still accept him in my life as a friend eventhough we have no future. I still love him.


Osho - day card
The Master, the gardener, and the guest
The longing of the mind is to be extraordinary. The ego thirsts and hungers for the recognition that u r somebody. It cannot tolerate being nobody.

And this is the miracle - when u accept ur nobodiness, when u r just as ordinary as anybody else, when u don't ask for recognition, when u can exist as if u r not existing. To be absent is the miracle.

A nobody is not an ordinary phenomenon; it is one of the greatest experiences in life - that u r, and still u r not. That u r just pure existence with no name, with no address, with no boundaries ... Neither a sinner nor saint, neither inferior or superior , just a silence.

People are afraid because their whole personality will be gone; their name, their fame, their respectability, all will be gone; hence, the fear. But death is going to take them away from u anyway. Those who are wise allow these things to drop by themselves. Then nothing is left for death to take away. Then all fear disappears, because death cannot come to u; u don't have anything for death. Death cannot kill a nobody.

Once u feel ur nobodiness, u have become immortal. The experience of nobodiness is exactly the meaning of nirvana, of nothingness, of absolute undisturbed silence, with no ego, with no personality.


Soul
A tot came. My karma is on my unlovability since I was 'given' to my neighbours to take care. I think it is so hurtful cos I tot I was a Queen, meant to be in palace and not given out to people, not being unwanted.

That's the same thing I now experienced with E and S. I was hurt because I perceive both of them don't want me. They later said they do. With E, he said he tot I don't want to be in new company and hence he let go. He felt my rejection and hence he double reject. With S, it was more of protocol.

The same when Z doesn't want me to be his wife. I took it badly and I was anxious that he come back. Once I knew I was fine without him, that I am still lovable even when he doesn't want me, my anxiety was dissolved.

Amen.

Osho
So, don't be afraid, go into it. If the relationship survives truth, it will be beautiful. If it dies, then too, it is good because one false relationship has ended and now u will be more capable of moving into another rship, truer, more solid, more concerning the essence.
Love is participation, so at least with the lover, don't be untrue.