Learning to accept the feeling of unlovability

Aug 28

Father, a tot occurred to me. He was reacting towards my msg that I want him to come for new year dinner in 6 months. That to him is like what his ex did.
His ex is a Queen of Club Ruling and I am a Queen of Diamond Destiny. I guess he thinks I am like her too cos she too was the one who initiated the marriage. He felt pressured from memory of his past.

Me, I am okie.

Woke up around 4 am without alarm clock. My body is recovering and need only 5.5 hours of sleep despite the flu and cough pills.
Voice still not good, so couldn't do guru pooja.
Shakti is now getting better and the slowness of kapala bhakti helps in strengthening my rib cage muscles. The 4 2 5 2 breathing is now done with awareness and I can feel the impact of the different mudras. My body has toned down.
Shambavi, I am now doing it with more awareness.

On Z, just let him be. He need to work it out on his own. Further input from me will only aggravate him. As for me, I am less affected, no longer anxious for a response from him. No longer need to run away or to fight this feeling of perceived rejection. It is ok now. I am ok now.
I need not seek his response. I can live without his response.

Osho
The moment u accept urself u become open, u become vulnerable, u become receptive. The moment u accept urself, there is no need for any future because there is no need to improve upon anything. Then all is good, then all is good as it is. In that very experience, life starts taking a new colour, a new music arises.

Soul
Its been a long journey. I am not there yet. But I have accepted loads of me and now even accept the unlovability in me.

Osho
If u accept urself, u have accepted existence, then there is nothing to do but to enjoy, to celebrate. There is no complaint left, there is no grudge; u feel grateful. Then life is good and death is good, then joy is good and sadness is good, then to be with ur beloved is good and to be alone is good. Then whatsoever happens is good because it happens out of the whole.

Soul
M getting there.

Osho
Improve urself; it create anxiety in u - anxiety is the tense state between that which u r and that which u should be. People are bound to remain anxious if there is a "should" in life.

Soul
Yea, once I remove that I should be lovable, that Z should response, then Z has a hold on me and I felt anxious to either release the hold by fighting to get a yes from him or escaping by forcing a no from him.
When I decided that it is ok if I am not lovable by him, anxiety evaporate. I no longer fighting nor escaping from him as he doesn't hold the key to release my anxiety.

Osho
If there is an ideal that has to be fulfilled, how can u be at ease? How can u be at home! It is impossible to live anything totally because the mind is hankering for the future. And the future never comes. And when it comes, u will start imagining other things, u will start desiring other things, always a better state of affairs. And u can always remain in anxiety, tense, worried - that's how humanity has been living for centuries.

Only rarely, once in while, has a man escaped out of the trap. The awakened man is one who has slipped out of the trap of society.
U cannot improve urself. And I am not saying that improvement does not happen, remember - but u cannot improve urself.
When u stop improving urself, life improves u. In that relaxation, in that acceptance, life starts caressing u, life starts flowing through u. And when u don't have any grudge, any complaint, u bloom, u flower.

And the whole existence starts pouring its energy into u when u r open. Then the trees are greener than they look to u now, then the sun is sunnier than it looks to u now; then everything becomes psychedelic, becomes colourful.

Soul
What I fear most, facing my unlovability was the key that release me.
Father, meeting Sadhguru was one my main fear for the past 4 years. I am not sure, but his laughter conveys acceptance to me. When Sadhguru accepts me, laugh when he sees me, I too laugh.
Amen.