Shoonya - nothingnesss...a joy wells up from within

Sept 1 Aft
Osho
The only way to drop any fear is to into the very thing of which u r afraid.
If u r afraid of love, go into love. If u r afraid of being alone, be alone.
And sometimes when u deliberately do something, it brings great awareness.

Soul
I did go into love despite my fear. I went thru all the dilemma and drama. There were ups and downs. Z and I are no longer together. He is perfect lesson for me. No regrets.
The final lesson of knowing I can live without him eventhough I still love him was difficult. But I did it.
It is ok he didn't love me. I no longer think I am unlovable. I no longer have to prove that I am lovable to him. I am fine.

Osho
Gautama the Buddha says desire is the root cause of all our misery because desire creates the mind. Desire means creating future, projecting urself in the future, bringing tomorrow in.
Bringing tomorrow in, and today disappears, u cannot see it any longer, ur eyes are clouded by the tomorrow. Bring the tomorrow in and u will have to carry the load of all ur yesterdays because the tomorrow can only be there if the yesterdays go on nourishing it.

Each desire is born out of the past, and each desire is projected in the future. The past and the future, they constitute ur whole mind.
The present can be found only when the mind has ceased utterly - when the past no longer overpowers u and the future


Soul
I think its more to do with anger. I guess I am pissed with Z and also myself. Him for coming back and then going off. Me for accepting him so fast, me for asking for commitment too fast, me for not reading my issue on boundaries, me for not teaching him on reciprocity. Me, still wanting him.

I am not sure, perhaps feeling not out yet. My menses delayed for 2 weeks.

Father, I realised I am also angry at E. I do enjoy working with him but his perfectionism and workaholism drives me away. I am angry that he puts everything on my shoulder, overwhelms me and so I got to quit much earlier than planned.

Yea. I am angry at Z, at E, at myself.

Just did shoonya. First time in years that I did on a weekend. I needed a break. To my surprise, joy well up and I was laughing. I feel at ease now.

Osho
Just this moment, when this silence pervades, who are u? A nobody, a nonentity. Just a peace, just a silence .... And out of that peace, a great joy starts surfacing, welling up, for no reason at all. It is ur spontaneous nature.
Silence gives u a chance to melt, merge, disappear, evaporate. And when u r not, u r. When u r not, all is found. When u r, all is lost.

Soul
Was reading Cosmic Love. Z's SN conjunct my Jupiter. Z is not into my spiritual journey and personal growth. I am not to rely on him. For me, I knew that. So, I generally don't go for him. But when I faced my dilemma on losing my career, I did go to him. He couldn't help and I was upset and said he is of no help and made me fearful. Father, perhaps that's is. Z feel helpless when he tot I was asking for money and he cannot give me. That's why he spend the month chasing money and he said he is now able to give me money. He can even write cheque to me. He said that one month without me, made him more secure financially.

(Sept 16 - he is just trying to reaffirm that he needed to be alone to puruse his dream)

Father, moon means how he received love. He wants me to feel that I can rely on him. He wants to feel he can give to me. Perhaps when he give, I say thank and he feel loved.
Aiyah. No need to go back to the Past. I will reevaluate when he comes back.