Unplanned break up with Z

Sept 14 Eve

Father, it was totally unexpected.
We have our normal meet up. Suddenly he had a birthday dinner he cannot avoid. We had our fun. I was bit hurt that he didn't invite me to go with him but I kept it to myself. And then I took the courage to ask him until when will I be hidden. He said I have to remain unknown. He said he is not interested in commitment. He likes me but he is not ready. Also, I am the only one and he is not fooling around as he respect his body.
He said he now listen to his head, then heart and alas his body. He is now so focused on his head that he even ignored his heart. Whereas I am following heart and body but my head is in another direction. I told him my head asked me to leave him but my heart and body asked me to stay.

I was getting sad but wanting to run away. But I then remember my Osho - The Outsider card and keep my cool.
We had dinner and I brought it up again. This time I stay cool. He keep on reiterating that I have not followed our original rule of no commitment. I keep on saying I am ok and the break it again and again. I said that's true but the more time we got back together, my feelings for him grown and the fact that he continued with us despite knowing my love for him, I interpreted he has feelings for me too. I stayed because of hope. And I was so happy that he agreed for a movie date and assumed he changed. Alas he said he hasn't changed at all, he still wants the original arrangement. But I said we make it 2 years ago and I thought things changed. He said nope.

I told him that I miss him most during weekend. I am available but I cannot be with him because I am hidden. And its like today, he have a dinner but I can't join him because I am hidden.
He has lot of activities and cannot spend time alone with me. And I cannot go with him because I am hidden. So, I am not in his life.
I want him to be in my life but he cannot cos he wants to be hidden.

Suddenly I laughed at myself, the helplessness of our situation and I looked at us. How can we grow together?
Do I want to be like that? Then he said he will go for dinner and then come back to have fun with me. That of course pissed me off. At times, his choice of words is hurtful and he doesn't realised it.

Suddenly it dawned on me, this is not what I want. This rship doesn't make me happy. It is going nowhere. I know no point for us to spend the night together. It has ended. My face changed and he immediately said he knew I want to leave. I told him yes, it is pointless for us to continue.

(Sept 29 - why does he always think I am ready to leave? Guess thats like me on auto, he will reject me)

He took a shower and I packed and waited. Then we checked out. He was waiting for me at the car park and tried to strike a conversation about my new car. He said he hope I am not hurt. I told him no worries, he didn't do anything. I gave him a hug and drive off.

Now at home, updating my blog.
Father, thank U for everything. I didn't plan for us to end but it just happens. His friend's birthday dinner is a blessing in disguise. I am leaving because it no longer makes him happy.

I have open the door and walked out. I am looking for my happiness. I will love again. Alas, a good break up. That's how we should be.

Ruling Card in Venus
Five of Hearts
It is a divorce cards and it is likely that u will have some sort of separation from love ones.

Soul
Alas it is true. I really didn't expect us to break up today.

Both of us on Four. Me, Four of Hearts, knowing what I value. He, Four of Spades - no change. No wonder.

Father, I am alone. I am not sure if I can ever be in a loving rship. But I don't want to be sad. Sadhguru says whatever I accept, I be happy.
I am still lovable. Amen.