Uncovering the Hidden Parent in me via Sadhguru

Sept 19

Father, today woke up around 5 am before alarm clock at 5.15 am. I slept around 11.45 pm yesterday. My shoonya and samyama was quite ok.

Osho
A master is not a psychoanalyst, he is a mirror. He simply reflects all ur burdens, tensions, anxieties, anguish, with all ur problems, with all ur miseries. And naturally u become offended.

Soul
True. I used to fear and dislike and avoid Sadhguru. I tot he would "force" me to do things that I don't want to, like be vegetarian, quit job, be teacher, be a full time volunteer, stay in ashram and etc.

I even avoid him during samyama. I avoid his gaze during sathsang. After 4 years, I finally was able to face him. What a release. To my amazement, there is no 'force'. He just looked at me and start to laugh. And I also laughed when I sense his energy and acceptance. Then he walk away, I was still laughing non-stop.

I guess that's the parent in me. Just like I felt judged or pressed when Sl's comments. Now I can see her Parent's mode and the judgement on myself is gone. I can also see why she is attracted to bad guy cos the alignment with the natural Parent in her. She both scold and nurture. Bad guys need that. And I knew why she doesn't seem to care for me, cos with me, her Parent can't work. With me, she has to bring out Adult in her, which she is resistant. Mmm, a tot came on Sdr, my ex-staff, also a Parent. Her 'story' is same with Sl. And the same with ex-boss A. A also not a good gal, and no one likes her, so Sl can nurture her. No wonder Sl said she doesn't experience it with E. E is mostly Adult like me, except in defense, he become Parent and me become Child.

I have loads of hidden Parent in me. Z also have Parent in him and in a way he directed the rship his way. He won't allow any departure from his way. Anyway, with him, he is following my dream. Just like I am following mine.

Now alas, I have uncovered my hidden Parent, the going will be easy. I know my RA will dissolve. There is no hidden Parent to force me anymore. My suppression is released.

Suppression
In sanskrit, the name is alaya vigyan, the house where u go on throwing into the basement things that u want to do but u cannot, because of social conditions, culture, civilisation. But they go on collecting there, and they affect ur actions, ur life, very indirectly. Directly, they cannot face u -- u have forced them into darkness, but from the dark side, they go on influencing ur behaviour. They are dangerous, it is dangerous to keep all those inhibitions inside u.

Soul
I used to be unable to relate to this. I tot I cleared out my whole inner drawers, and normally acted out what I want. But alas, now I can truly see the hidden Parent. Now I knew why Sl comes back into my life - to let me see.

Osho
If somebody becomes resistant that means something is wrong in his inner world, something is repressed and that repression starts uncoiling itself.

Sex is a natural phenomenon which gives glimpses of meditation. From sex, u can go to meditation, but if sex loses its appeal, the doors for meditation are closed because u won't have glimpses of meditation. It is only in sexual orgasm that u melt, merge, disappear. And those few moments of disappearance, dissolution, give u the first taste of what it will be to dissolve forever. Those drops of nectar can give u some idea of the ocean that a Buddha carries in his being. But if sex loses its appeal, then even those drops become impossible. And a person who has not even tasted a drop of nectar cannot conceive that there is a possibility of any oceanic experience. For him, Buddha will become a fiction.

Try to understand my approach. I want u to transcend sex - but through sex, not by becoming indifferent to it, not by dropping it in an immature way.

Soul
I am lucky. I encountered my own being in meditation before I had sex. So, to me sex is not critical as I can encountered my being in meditation, in the swimming pool. I felt the same bliss as during sex.

Osho
I will have to open ur wounds. U may have forgotten about them, completely forgotten; u may have started believing that they no longer exist. And I will have to reopen them to show u where u are, because unless u know where u r, u cannot move a single inch, u cannot grow. U can move only from where u are.

Soul
I know where I am now, with my hidden Parent uncovered.

Osho
And there will times when u feel ecstatic. Then don think I am giving this ecstasy to u - nobody can give truth to u. I can inspire, I can challenge, I can invite, I can seduce u into the journey, but I cannot give the truth to u. U have to find it urself; I can only show ur face.
I m simply a mirror.

Soul
True.

Osho
The master simply represents God on earth. U have to be utterly naked before the master, only then will u be capable one day of facing ur God. If u r capable of facing ur master, u will certainly able to face ur God.

Soul
After 4 years, I was finally able to face Sadhguru. Amen.