I am nobody now

Aug 29

Father, today woke up at 4.20 am but didn't want to do hata. Then I switched on alarm to 5.20 am, again I don't feel like waking up. I told myself I got 2 places to go and best that I do my meditation. But that didn't help either. I woke up with a heat.

This morning, I dreamed that I had a good looking chinese guy who 'tackle" me. I was asking for a plastic bag from others. He over heard and offer me. When he gave me a plastic bag, he puts his hand on my shoulder, which I promptly shake off. He put his hand back and I just let him cos it is comfortable. Then he hugs me from behind, both his hand coming from behind my neck and just envelope me in his embrace. I asked him why and he just hug me closer. I guess this dream is because I m not getting hugs from Z. He used to hug me from behind and I enjoy it. But he hasn't done so for the last few meet up.

When I previously read NN in Taurus, I couldn't relate so much and instead can identify myself and Z in SN.

On the no parameter in NN. Generally, I am a strategist and I have parameters. But I guess it was in ex software company that I lost my parameters by overwork and without emotional outlet to let me see and as a result I got RA. My body resisted as both mind and emotion didn't.
Perhaps when I lost my job in ex leasing company, I needed to safeguard my valuation.

I guess while I generally have parameters for others, when it comes to my personal, I lost it.
I lost it with Isha and I lost it when I took up the responsibilities to manage 2 companies.

Perhaps the timing is perfect that Z chose this time to go into deep end and decide to quit from us. If not, I would continue to give him without parameters.

P said I am egoless when it comes to Z and that's means no parameters. Looking back, it was always me reaching out to him, taking care of him. I didn't expect returns in the present but I wanted to love him so much he reciprocate in future. He was always in one crisis or the other and hence I was the one that gives to him.

And now my limit was reached in this 3rd time and I told him 6 months time, he will meet my parents. And then he bolted and went into hibernation. I asked him if he wants to quit from us but he didn't reply.

I could view this 2 way. On the negative side, he is trying to run. On the positive side he is trying to make more money so he can meet my expectation or rather his own expectation. He wants to be financially stable. Like he said, he didn't see me for 1 month and he made 40k and so if 2 months, the amount be doubled. He didn't respond to my 'resignation' with a Yes or No because he is unsure if he can make it financially.

On his exes, he told me that all 3 of them always give to him and in the end left him. I said they must have given so much, exhausted and then resentment set in and hence they left. When they give so much, Z being a Leo didn't learn to reciprocate.

Mmm, that's my lesson too. To establish parameters and to teach Z to reciprocate. Father, thank U. I was about to give in but now I need to hold back. Let me know giving in would only prolong it.

Lovability to me is a form of valuation. Since I no longer receive any valuation from career and Isha, I hold on to Z. I also realised my tenacity for practices is partly due to valuation. My volunteering is definitely due to valuation. Since resentment cause me to bolt from volunteering, I am no longer in Isha, even IE date is not given to me. And with me releasing myself as Sathsang guide, I lost all.

I needed Z to provide me the valuation and when he bolted, I felt crushed.

Now I got nothing to hold on to. No work, no Isha, no practices, no Z, no writing, nothing is available to validates me. I am NOBODY.

A tot came, I got my family and my friends. A new tot came, I can recreate myself.

Osho - Lao Tze
Be a nobody, and then u will have infinite life flowing in u. For the flow of life, to be somebody becomes a block. To be a nobody, a vast emptiness that allows all.
Clouds can move, stars can move in it. And nothing disturbs it. And u have nothing to lose because all that can be lost, u have surrendered already.

Soul
Amen. My answer. I have lost all my validation. I now got nothing left, I am nobody.

Same msg as my Internal Influence card - Rebirth.

Osho
In such a state of being, one is young. The innermost core of ur being remains young, fresh. It never becomes old, it is never dead. This is the way to be really religious.
Float with Tao, move with Tao, don't create any private goals and ends. The whole knows better; u r simply with it.
U simply go whatever it leads. Don't try to force and plan and don't ask for certain goals because then there will be frustration and u will become hard and u will miss an opportunity of being alive.

Soul
Just stay put being nobody.

Osho
If u allow life, more life happens. Then if u allow urself to be alive, still more life happens.
Ur cleverness to be urself, to be clinging to the ego, is the whole cause of ur misery.