Yeap..not ending yet..

Sept 11 Eve
I was surprised that Z reverted on the trip. He proposed earlier cos he is off to oversea for 2 weeks. Well, may be good. We both don't see each other for another month. That be about 3 months.

I am real tired. I don't have energy. When I do meditation, joy and peace comes. But after that, not sure where the energy went. Another one and half weeks to go.

I also don't want to call Z. Too many times of missed calls that is not returned. And I was the one who always call him. Tired. Like I said, it be easier for me to move on and if we end now, it be fine for me. I love him but the bad memories lingers on and he also has his own issue to handles, so I am not hopeful.

I do need a spa treatment to rejunevate myself. Mmm, if not Vietnam, maybe local resort. Or maybe just go to the CJ and relax on my own.

Osho
Discipline has to be effortless; it has to be out of sheer understanding. Repression has nothing to do with understanding or learning.
Discipline mans the art of learning. One has to be awake, on then can one learn. One has to watch all that goes on happening around u and one has to deepen this watchfulness so that u can see even the inner processes of ur body, mind and heart.

U have to become a mirror. U have to witness everything within urself, then only do u learn from it, and that learning brings discipline. Then a deep harmony arises in u, because whatsoever is wrong starts falling away from u of its own accord. U r not to drop it. If u have to drop it through effort, then it is repression.

And once u repress anything, the energy that is being repressed starts turning sour into u. The same energy that would have become a flower becomes a thorn. The same energy that would have helped u to grow become stagnant, start stinking.
Energy needs to remain in flowing state; repression makes ur life stagnant.

Express urself. Existence is God's expression - that's what creativity is all about. Express urself, don't condemn anything. Nothing is wrong with u; all that is is beautiful. It may need transformation, but it is not wrong. It has not to be dropped, it has to be transformed. And transformation happens thru discipline; discipline comes through meditation. Become more aware, watchful. But don't carry conclusions.

Soul
Yea, I am judging myself for loving Z without boundary. For being egoless, for being forgiving, for always contacting him. I feel small and so I stop.