Controllers (parental mode) - wants power by domination

Sept 17
Woke up 4.20 am, body not great but I know I want to be well.
Did 5 cycle of Surya kriya. It was good despite stopping few times to cough out green phelgm. At least shoulder are fine, just a bit pain on the right elbow. Foot alignment is on track.
Breathing was lovely. Shakti was good too as Kapala Bhakti is now firmed up. Shambavi good too.
There were some tots of past. I got hooked one or two times. At some point I looked at the tots and said u r not real. Towards the end mind start to sing and I said I choose silence and I got it. Body sat in Arda Shiddharna posture on its own.    I also bend my body and put my face on the floor, so relaxing. My practice  ends at 7.14 am. Its been nearly two weeks since I adjusted 10 minutes earlier so I can sit longer towards the end.

As I was driving an insight comes to me. My undecided values are "my fear of not having a partner" vs "my dream of self mastery". I recalled I wrote before that we tend to gravitate towards our fear rather than our happiness. I just need to remember that with Self Mastery, my fear of not having a partner will evaporate.
When I lost Z late last year, my inner journey has expanded and deepened. Why don't I see the break up as I won instead of I lose.
Me winning for my Soul instead of winning for my mind.

The Twelfth Insight
 Controllers were not interested in truth, and only marginally motivated by outcomes. What they wanted above all was the feeling of power that comes from dominating others. In order to do this, they make up any facts  necessary to throw the other person off balance and undermine his self confidence. And if the controlling was successful, the victims would eventually lose their centred clarity altogether and begin to defer to the controllers' opinions - which, of course, would give the controller a hit of energy and power from the others' attention. Controlling is obsessive behaviour, used to push away insecurity.

Soul
Yea, met a few Parental mode in my life. Only in this year was I able up push back.
Yes, this part on "they make up any facts  necessary to throw the other person off balance and undermine his self confidence" truly is correct.
S does that and can even said that I don't want to re-hire her cos I am afraid she will take my job. And P does that by saying my words are not Ishas. Pe does it by saying my actions are not love orientated, so anything I achieved is nil...

A tot occurred to me, I recalled that I knew about the Parental inside me. Perhaps it is the hidden Parental or Controller in my mind that is creating the insecurity within me. Instead of supporting me in letting go; it keeps telling me I lost by letting go and etc.

Since I recently push back on outside Controller; perhaps I can push back on inside Controller too. Mind is master at my romantic relationship and I now must stand up and no longer be its slave.  If I can do that with food; I can do that with romantic relationship.

The Twelfth Insight
The controllers don't want to debate the issues. They want only to shout down the opposition and win.  This selfish insecurity could be resolved only when one found true security: a spiritual connection inside, where seeking the truth and being of service were more important than winning.

Soul
Father, You came through again. Just yesterday night I tot why don't I see I win instead of lost. This morning I tot it was my fear of losing or not having a partner that's holding me back.
I lost the partner but I definitely won my Truth these last few months.
And just maybe they are back due to my Three of Diamonds, undecided values. By being in my present, continuously remind me to choose Truth instead of having a partner that is not supportive of my Self; my Dream of Self Mastery.

The Twelth Insight
If someone disagree with the Controllers even slightly, they were simply pushed into the opposite extreme category - so they could be dismissed and dehumanised and not taken seriously. That way, they could justify their own extreme behaviour. They thought of themselves as the good guy having to fight to save civilisation from a soulless enemy.

Soul
Tot of S, Pe, P, my sister and brother - all controllers.
And why S said that all her colleagues are out to get her. She pushed the others into extreme...just like she said I don't want to hire her because she is a threat to my position. She truly need counseling. I am glad I advised her previously to do so.
Now I know why Pe said I m into Hinduism and etc.

Father, that's the outside Controller. How to handle the Inside Controller?
An answer came; the controller can only be in power as long as I m insecure over my values. If I still think that I don't have partner because I m not lovable, feeling insecure then the Controller can always attack me for being a loser. Just as I recently realised the one who speak the loudest are not gospel truth; then I too need to see the same of my mind. My mind speaks the loudest on romantic relationship, on my insecurity.