Meditation just happens

Sept 5 eve
Father, the Internal Influence Healing card is really true.
Teacher was really defensive to the point of attacking.
The old me would have been wounded. But the new me who has overcome my validation issue coupled with knowledge of her Ten of Diamond and Eight of Spades knows that it is just her.
I can't control what is her reaction. But I must express what I need to say. I no longer want to keep things in. Previously I don't say things I don't mean but I also don't say things that matters out of fear of validation.
As I was driving home, mind want to hook me into victim mode. But I see it and tot of the psychological vs existential mode. I keep my attention on the trees; breathing in their energy. After awhile the negative tots evaporated and I have a smile on my face. Just feel contented.

Father, intuition is getting stronger.

Did my evening Shoonya. I was crying, feeling low cos I need to give. Then a tot come, giving is having. The cries then turn into laughter. Then I feel such overwhelming love for myself. I hugged myself. After awhile silence.
Later after Shoonya I want to proceed to Samyama but cannot. Eyes don't want to open, just wants to flow with the energy. Then head shaking non stop followed by head pushed backward with exchange of air from guts. Body keep on swaying. I stayed like that for about forty five minutes.
The last few days, meditation just happen. I felt energy surge through me as if I m in Sathsang hall.

Osho - razor edge
When meditation deepens in u, ur tots, ur feelings, all start disappearing. Meditation makes u a silent pool without any ripples - so silent that it looks like a mirror; u can see ur face.
And it takes nothing from ur intelligence or ur feelings; it only makes everything more authentic, more real, more pure. Intelligence reaches to its  highest peak, just as love reaches to its highest peak.

To know ur being, to be centred in ur being, u found the meaning of life, u found the purpose.

Soul
Existential vs psychological. What is real is existential.