Breakthru in me - shared with Z that I love him

Oct 1

Father, I am disturbed about my feelings for Z. Not sure where this is heading. Or rather perhaps I am sure ...which is ending. So, not sure why I don't end it. Then tot of my Seven of Spades in Pluto. Seven of Spades is about having faith.

When I read the South Node in Scorpio, I got bit frightened cos its like telling me that I have to 'declare' again to Z. I really don't want to go there again. I wonder whether Z knew why I broke off him last time.

Also, reading the part of nurturing and bonding by sex, was so me. And I cannot fool myself. I tot by reducing the contacts, I be fine. Looks like the sex itself is the killer. Eventhough we don't meet but the sex deepens my feelings for him. I got frighten again. Not sure if I am out of my depth. Not sure if I am fooling myself. And reading the connection of soul mate with him also hold me back. What if he is the one and I self sabotage by letting go too early.

North Node in Scorpio
Another way these natives need to take action beyond their comfort zone is to verbalise their desire for a deeper commitment if it arises within them.
If these people don't reveal their feelings and the other person is a Soul Mate, then they miss the chance for union. And if the person isn't a true potential partner, they miss the chance to move on and find someone more appropriate.

These people really enjoy being in a successful committed relationship. They like doing things with their partner and creating a sense of community. They truly feel that having a partner completes them. Even so, their fears create resistance to commitment, sometimes in subtle ways. For instance, the native may choose partners who can't commit due to their own fears. Until they become aware of these dynamics, they may continue unconscious behaviours that sabotage their relationships.

Father, I am tired. Why do I still have to go through. Why Z doesn't have this dilemma. So nice able not to be affected. Then a tot came, that's why all his rships fails.

I called him and we chatted for one hour and 40 min . The last 40 min we gone in deep. I told him that I have changed. For the first time I rejected an exciting job offer and when my company lost our biggest client, I was not affected and infact strategise for 3 days work. I realised I am finally settling down. With that I am ready to embark on a committed relationship which is not what Z wants with me.

I told him that I love him. I am not sure what is love but for me to be so comfortable with him, has to be love. He said he know that I am very comfortable with him. He also shared that at times when I go into joyful mode during meditation, he can sense that he was in my tots and that he makes me happy. I told him that's true.

I also shared that he is in my prayer cos everytime I faced and overcome my difficulty with him, my inner grow to next level.

He said he knew that we will end when I come back to him. I told him that my feelings for him is still there but I am not longer as affected like before when he doesn't return my call. He said he didn't knew that. I told him it was quite bad but I overcome my neediness and I think I have grown stronger.

He said he is focused on external and I am on internal. He is focused on future and I am on present. He is on meeting plans and I am making sure I am happy.

We are going to make our exit plan together next week. He tends to use "We together".
My disturbance gone.

(Dec 2 - When we met, he didn't want to talk about it. He said he has no plan to end us. So, 2 months later, we are still on.)