Still handling my fear of abandonment....with Z..but it has improved

Dec 10 Aft

Some tots running on Z, mostly negative. He didn't return my call despite me asking. A tot came and I realised I had more expectation on him than others. Why do we place more condition on the one that we love than others?

I know he is probably busy with something. Need not take this as rejection. Need not project anything.

Father, I just ate one piece of sandwich, one pastry and a candy, together with coffee. But my body is rejecting it. I feel so full, which is not logical since my last meal was at 11 am.

Was updating blog and saw the journal I made on Oct 23, I said I no longer take his unreachability or his non-response personally. That if I wanted to, I just followed thru with a msg and will call me back.

Mmm, Father, I admit I am not as affected as before but remnant is still there. When will this end?

If it is said I create my own karma, I who is affected if people doesn't respond to me, it means they reject me, they don't validate me.

Wait a minute, Z said I am not the first one who complained about his unreachability. He heard the complaints so much that he was immuned to it. To him, he took the phone off as he doesn't want to be disturbed at all when he is at home, as most of the incoming call is business.

Well, I didn't let my tots disturbed me. I called but couldn't reach. Perhaps should have realised he is off-limits during weekend since he doesn't keep his phone with him. That's will save me from feeling not so good.

Saw this on my blog on Oct 24, my insight:
Whenever we tot we lose the external validation, we react by rejecting the external first. We tot we r safe but actually we just reinforce our dependence.

Aiyah, here I am reacting again. When I called for the second time and there is no response. I just msg him and asked if he is coming to sathsang.

A tot of he wanted to end us and etc and of me getting angry with him. Mmm, why all this?!!

3. External influence
Ice-olation
All of us at one time or another might feel that the only way to survive is to close off our feelings and emotions so we can't be hurt again.
It is okay to cry, and there is no reason to feel ashamed of our tears. Crying allows us to be gentle with ourselves and finally helps us to heal.

Soul
When I read this on Monday, I tot nothing here. Then I saw it being related to Sadhguru, being in existence vs being in self.

Now I feel jumbled about Z. Logically I know I need not but emotionally it is spinning. Just had a cry, and I felt better.