Oct 28 Eve
This morning was also incredible. I was laughing during aum chanting. The second time after yesterday. Something has changed in me.
Father, just finished calling the old meditators. There was one person who keep on attacking teacher and I try to defend but it was fruitless. In the end, I found myself agreeing with her. But I pulled back and just said I can't judge her. She is doing the work and I can't.
Father, teacher asked to stay in our place. Firstly, I didn't receive the mail. Secondly I am glad C is receiving her. Frankly the tot of taking her in never crossed my mind. The truth is I don't like her in my space. I am on kow tow ing to get what I need to do my part in Isha.
As for coming sathsang, just be my usual self. My main priority is to get the sathsang right and not to be defensive about her judgment. Tot of asking Z, but then I realised its wrong person to ask. Also, I don't want Z to avoid Isha because of teacher, just like the rest did.
One thing that strikes me is that the lady said that teacher is representative of Isha and hence she should behave in a way that suit. I told her I too am not in Isha's mould of a gentle person. She said its not about being a certain type, but it is about being caring when situation warrants it.
Mmm, I guess I too must have shied people away. On me being expressive during Sathsang, I can be totally free unlike my home. Even just now at home, when I was laughing away on the phone, my mom said to soften it.
That's why I love Z, he is accepting of me, the whole me, the intense me, the crazy me, the laughing me, the reactionary me, the smart me. With Z, I feel free and I am totally comfortable with him. Of course, at times he can be irritating when he wants to gets his way. But I can handle that.
Then I tot, but if I am free with him, why I had hold back myself whenever I want to call him. Why do I pull back every time I wanted him? Why am I afraid to show him how much he meant to me?
Suddenly, I stop and I know I want to be free. I no longer want to hold back. I am not worried about the outcome. I am not afraid if he doesn't want me. I just want him to know that I love him. I just want to give.
I called him, but couldn't get through. Then I msg him:
I just realised why I love u. Its because I feel so free with u. I feel u accept me totally and I can be my true self with u. :)
Father, mmm, I am ok that he is not reachable. I just want to share, not to take.
Also, finally after nearly 1 year, he is in my speed dial list.
Mmm, suddenly I realised this is what its meant by this week card
1. The Issue
Past lives
The real point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives, and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour.
Soul
Yea, my fear of being hurt, being rejected makes me unable to be open and share myself.
I faced Z who said he only wanted a fling, who wants us to be a private affair, who is in bad financial, who wants to marry another gal who will bear him children. There is no way anyone could have open up, let alone me. This is the rejection to the max. And I was hurt, I was scared but I survived and now I know it doesn't matter that we won't be married. What matter is that I love him and he likes me and we r happy together now.
Now that I took the sting out from the outcome, I become confident about revealing myself to him.
From now onward, no more hiding myself, no more running away.
My mind just say, u scared him off and he will ask for early break up. I ignored it. Despite me loving him, I can handle the break up too. I got my ultimate Gift; to love someone who doesn't love me. To be able to love without return. To be able to love without fear.
Suddenly tot that unconditional love being my Cosmic Lesson. Me gaining power.
2. Internal influence
Lovers
When ur love is not just a desire, is not only a need, when ur love is a sharing, when ur love is not that of a beggar, but an emperor. When ur love is not asking for something in return but is ready only to give, - to give for the sheer joy of giving.
The love that is based in freedom, not expectation or need. Its wings take us higher and higher towards the universal love that experiences all as one.
Soul
At the moment, I am including Z in my world.
3. External influence of which u r aware
Receptivity
The Queen of Water brings a time of unboundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectations or demands. Neither duty, of tot of merit or reward are important.
Sensitivity, intuition and compassion are the qualities that shine forth now, dissolving all obstacles that keep us separate from each other and from the whole.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Innocence
If u drop all that has been given by others, u will have a different quality to ur being ; innocence
This will be a crucifixion of the persona, the personality, and there will be a resurrection
The innocence of a life lived fully has a quality of wisdom and acceptance of the ever-changing wonder of life.
5. Resolution
Morality
Whether our judgements are applied to ourselves or to others, they keep us from experiencing the beauty and godliness that lies within.
Only when we break through the cage of our conditioning and reach the truth of our own hearts, can we begin to see life as it really is.
Cheers
Waibeng
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