Love doesn't equal to valuation

Oct 29
Father, a tot came to me. We love someone for what we receive, not for who they are.

My msg to Z;
I just realised why I love u. Its because I feel so free with u. I feel u accept me totally and I can be my true self with u. :)

We are attracted to them for their attributes. We stay on for their goodness. But we love them for what we receive from them.

So, no matter how good the attributes are, in the end, if we don't receive what we need, we won't love them or want to stay with them.

So, then whether others love us or not has no relevance to our attributes, our contribution or etc. In the end, our valuation has no bearing on others loving us.

Early afternoon
No response from him and I was fine with it.
This love for others is puzzling me. I have always equate love with valuation. Valuation equates to attributes.
Actually us loving someone is what we receive from them. And it has nothing to do with their attributes or valuation. When people reject us is because what we are giving out or not giving out to them.
That's why Z's wife said I am leaving Z even though he is much more handsome than the other guy, even though Z is a good guy.
I love Z, not because of his attributes as I don't get any of that, and he is not a caring nor romantic guy and he has outright told me he wanted a fling. I love him because he is fine with who I am, he just let me be whatever I want. Of course my mind is saying that because he doesn't really want me. That might be true but we have been together for nearly one year and I know he be sad if I left him. The last time I left, he missed me and implore me to come back.


Oct 29 Eve
Father, I just came back from a colleague's wedding dinner. This time no envious feeling, I just feel happy for them.
But I was still pondering over the issue of us loving someone is due to us receiving something we want from our partners. When we stop receiving what we wanted or our wants changes, then we stop loving our partner. So, that's what they meant by conditional love. Our love is conditional upon us receiving what we want.

For me and Z. I am receiving the freedom and acceptance that I want because Z is not in love with me nor does he wants to marry me. So, to him, I am an external party and hence he gave me the freedom to be and he is accepting because he cannot yet ask for what he wants as I am not his partner. I have known him to be independent and wants his way. So, my receipt from him is not true in the real sense. Even now, whenever he try to pressure me into agreeing with him, I resist and crawl back to my shell and I don't feel his acceptance. I only come out from my shell when he backs off from pressuring me. And I have the freedom to just hang up on him. He also realised that.

So, I love him because I received something I want - which is full acceptance.

And he doesn't love me because he doesn't receive what he wants. What he wants is someone to be crazy over him, giving him overflowing emotional expression that is enough to cover for both of them. He then doesn't have to express his emotion, he doesn't have to come out and get his hand dirty. Mmm, I wonder if that is my 'attack' mode.

Anyway, I can never be crazy about anyone cos I am crazy about myself.

My intuition guide is tune into Osho reading. This week card;
Internal Influence - The lovers
Sexual love is just a desire for the other; is just only a need; is the love of a beggar; is of asking for something in return.

Father, my love for Z is of a beggar, asking for a need - for acceptance.

This discovery gave me two tots. Once is feeling guilty and the other is feeling relieved.
1. My love is shallow as it is based on receiving. And it won't lasts as it is not real
2. Since it won't last, I am no longer afraid that I be hooked forever, which is my fear mode's defenses.

There were no response from him. The old me would have reacted but the new me is not duly affected. I have been here and he is not rejecting me. Besides, we are meeting up a week later.

A tot occur from me. Since I love him because of acceptance, that's means I have not truly accepted myself and I need someone to give me the self-acceptance I needed.

So, if I give myself the self-acceptance, I no longer need to seek it from him and I wonder if my love for him will ease too.



Ace of Hearts
In order to love ourselves, we often find someone to love who reflects back to us what we are seeking within.

Soul
I find someone to love, who gave me the freedom to be who I am, who accepted who I am.
So, that means I was searching for self-acceptance so that I can be freed to be who I am.

This year Displacement in Ruling Card.
This is a year when ur own personal satisfaction in love matters will assume a greater importance in ur life. Just what will best satisfy ur yearning for affection will come into focus.
U also have a restlessness on the emotional level, one probably due to some dissatisfaction with ur current emotional environment.

This may precipitate new love affairs or even the birth of a child; in many ways, this year marks the beginning of a new way of loving yourself. Our relationship always reflect how we love ourselves, so expect some new experiences in this area. U will probably need more time to urself to sort out ur feelings and inner drives and motivation. Self-expression can play a key role in allowing u to find the answer u seek from within.

Soul
Loving Z because he accepts me as I am and gave me the freedom to grow.

This means this is how I am loving myself.

Nine of Diamonds
This is a completion of some thing that we valued. It could be an indicator of the ending of certain kind of work or the ending of certain pursuit. This could be the pursuit of financial goal, some relationship or some other 'thing that is valued.

Soul
Father, I love Z because he accept me and gave me freedom to grow.
Isn't this the basic requirement. Isn't this is something I can give to myself. Why need to seek from Z.
That also show I am receiving nothing from him; he is giving me nothing.
I am in a relationship that gives me nothing, that gives me freedom to be that I could have easily given to myself.

Father, I deserved more. Freedom to be myself is my basic right. I deserve someone that will cherish me. Not someone that will just let me be.
Mmm, I wonder if the above are my defense mechanism.

Suddenly a tot occurred. This is an improvement that he didn't curtail me when I declare my love. Previously he would asked me to hold back. Now he just let me be, not encouraging but not discouraging. He is worried that I will run off.