Handling my insecurity of validation

Oct 24 Aft

Father, suddenly I tot of how I can be happy. Instead of comparing myself with others, instead of thinking I am stupid fool for being in a losing position of loving someone who doesn't love me, why don't I have alternative tot instead that I am big enough to love him without expecting in return.

Why do I love him? He is a kind person and we both shared value of commitment and loyalty to spouse and family. He excites me, he is funny and he puts my needs first when we are in bed. He accepts the laughing me, the loud me, the smart me, the richer me, the meditative me.

Yesterday, when he didn't want to tell me his opinion of me. I reacted and later hang up on him. He did asked why I wanted to interpret my way and made myself feel down. He said it is not necessary. I wasn't keen to listen and hang up. Later I had attacking tots of leaving him and etc. But I just ignored it cos I am not leaving and I went to sleep.

This morning I was able to handle MsM, my staff, another Queen of Diamond who is validated by her job. The old me would dread it but not the new me. Later she came back and ask me to retrench her and pay her. I didn't react and manage to calm her down. So, whenever we tot we lose the external validation, we react by rejecting the external first. We tot we r safe but actually we just reinforce our dependence.

1. The Issue
Past Lives
This is a wake up call;

Soul
Not sure. But yday Z told me of a motorist's death and now a meditator has brain tumour and now is brain dead. Life is short and uncertain. So, don't dwell on what's in the future. Just live in the now.


2. Internal influence
The Lovers
If u become aware and alert, meditative, then sex can be transformed into love. And if ur meditativeness becomes total, absolute, love can be transformed into compassion. Sex is the seed, lover is the flower, compassion is the fragrance.

As we mature, we can begin to experience the love that exists beyond sexuality and honors the unique individuality. We begin to understand that our partner often functions as a mirror, reflecting unseen aspects of our deeper self and supporting us to become whole.

This love is based on freedom, not on expectation or need. Its wings take us higher and higher towards the universal love that experiences all as one.

Soul
Suddenly tot of letting Z read my 2nd book. I am letting it all open. I already declared my love and now just follow thru.

I am already in love mid way and now need to go to Compassion.

Yesterday we were open and I shared that if I am not feeling in the mood, I dried up. The physical is an outcome and feeling is the originator. For guys, the body is the originator and then feeling comes in.

3. External influence
Receptivity
Listening is one of the basic secrets of entering into the temple of God. Listening means forgetting urself completely - only then can u listen.
Receptivity represents the feminine, receptive quality of water and of the emotions. She has no head, no busy and aggressive mind to hinder her pure receptivity.

Sensitivity, intuition and compassion are the qualities that shine forth now, dissolving all the obstacles that keep us separate from each other and from the whole.

Soul
Tot of yday. Z keep on saying "no comment" is not bad. He even went to say "no comment" means things are good, and he has no complaints. I told him my version that "no comment" is a worst case scenario as it meant that I don't matter to him at all and hence no comment. He keep on saying that is not what he meant but I was closed up.

This morning I open up but I chose the nut case cos part of me think I am a nut case. I am surprised also cos I am fine with it.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Innocence.
If u drop knowledge - ur name, ur identity, everything, then u will have a totally different quality to ur being : innocence.
U will become a child again, reborn. U will then be at home with urself and with what life has brought u.

Soul
Yeap, a nut case is fine. There is no mould to follow.

5. Resolution
Morality
Morality makes u always ready to see every situation as black and white.
All the judgements of our mind are just products of our conditioning. And whether our judgements are applied to ourselves or to others they keep us from experiencing the beauty and godliness that life within.
Only when we break through the cage of our conditioning and reach the truth of our own hearts, can we begin to see life as it really is.

Soul
I have been getting this. Not quite sure.
Now I know. Yesterday was a classic example. Actually, I tend to do that. I shut down whenever I encounter bad feeling. I just want to run. And here I tot Z is running. He didn't and he keep on explaining but I just wasn't listening.
Also, he said something. He said I only want good times and whenever I faced bad times like him cornering me, I run off. So, how to have a life with him? I brush it off. But that's a valid question. Not because I believe he meant it but a valid point.
Father, I am also like him. I run off whenever feeling of smallness, feeling of unloved comes in. Father, here I was judging him from running away from his wife. Now I understand and I won't judge him.

Oct 24 Eve
Father, a meditator died abruptly. She passed away after surgery. There was no suffering. Father, I have always been able to take death lightly. To me, death just means ur time has come, u have fulfilled what u can in this life time. And to me, death is a reminder to treasure our time here.

I called Z to inform him of the meditator's demise. He was more interested in me or rather us. He said he want to live till 65 and I told him I will leave till 80. He goes on and on saying that it is pointless to live up till 80. I told him my mom is in her 70 plus and she is fine. Then I told him if he wants to die at 65, he can go ahead but I want to die at 80 and I don't need his approval. That stops him. Mmm, suddenly I realised he would debate whenever he finds that my view differs from him. He couldn't take it and wants me to conform. On one hand, I can said he is arrogant and wants his way. But on the other hand, that's show he really wants us to be on same side, walking together. If he doesn't want me, if he doesn't care, he wouldn't waste his time debating and trying to convince me to follow him.