Staying put with Z - follow my happiness instead of avoiding fear

Oct 31 Aft (Staying put)
It was unexpected and unplanned. I shared with my oldest staff on Isha Kriya and she is very taken with it and promise to do twice daily for 1 month and even wanted to duplicate and distribute to her friends. I just told her to do it on her own before she shared with others.

Father, just did my Osho card. It is asking me to turn within and follow my heart. My heart says stay with Z.

Just checked my daily 7thunder.
Four of Clubs
The card of mental satisfaction and stability. U will experience some mental peace for a while.
This is a good time to make plans for the future since u r thinking clearer than ever.

Changed my bb profile for Z to read;
With love, commitment is easy. No love, commitment is a burden.

Alas, I am ready for commitment. I just send msg to Universe and let IT deliver to me my partner that wants to commit to me too.

Just did my shoonya. It was great as I got connected and was laughing throughout. Then followed by a quiet silence. And here I was undergoing a hectic work day and yet when I closed my eyes, joy bubbled through.


1. The Issue
Silence
Time changes, the world goes on changing, but the experience of silence, the joy of it, remains the same. This is the only thing u can rely upon, the only thing that never dies. It is the only thing that u can call ur being.

Just enjoy ur aloneness. Now is the time to come home to urself. The understanding and insights that come to u in these moments will be manifested later on, in a more outgoing phase of ur life.

Soul
Yea. That's why I didn't want to call Z. I just want to be alone with myself.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Understanding
U r out of jail, out of the cage, u can open ur wings and fly.
The dawn of new understanding - that the cage has always been open and the sky has always been there for us to explore - can make us feel a little shaky at first. Its fine, but don't let it overshadow the opportunity to experience lighheartedness and adventure on offer, right there alongside the shakiness.

Spread ur wing and be free.

Soul
Am not sure. But I know its something to do with Z.

3. External Influence of which u r aware.
Experiencing
Experiencing is the feeling of wonder itself, the thrill of communion, the gentle touch of our connectedness with all that surrounds us.

Nature doesn't bang any drums when it bursts forth into flower, nor play any dirges when the trees let go of their leaves in the fall.

When u r humble, simple, u can approach nature. Nature has many secret to share.

Soul
I am already in communion with nature. At times when I am sad and in a drive, I can just relax and focus on the nature outside my car.
Mmm, perhaps this is reminding me that things or results are happening, but it doesn't happen in the form I expected, there is no bang. I was expecting a bang.

Like my tweeter, at least now an outsider sign to my tweet and she has 1800 followers. Who knows, what can happens.


4. What is needed for resolution?
Harmony
Listen to ur heart, move according to ur heart, whatsoever the stake.
To be simple is arduous, because to be simple costs everything that u have. U have to lose all to be simple.

But only a simple heart throbs with God, hand in hand. Only a simple heart sings with God, in deep harmony. To reach to that point, u will have to find ur heart, ur own throb, ur own beat.

As we grow more and more in tune with the rhythms of our own inner silence, we can rest in the heart in meditation.

Let urself be softer and more receptive now, because an inexpressible joy is waiting for u just around the corner. Nobody else can point it out to u, and when u find it u won't be able to find the words to express it to others. But it's there, deep within ur heart, ripe and ready to be discovered.

Soul
Last week was receptivity - and I got the insight of why I love Z and why my love is conditional. I also realise what I love about Z is him giving me acceptance, which I can give to myself. That's when I become 'complex" and start to think I don't need him and wanting to run off. There is 2 part of me, one wants to stay because of love, the other wants to run because of self-preservation.

In the end, I calmed myself down and stay on cos I wanted Z. I can't dictate who I love and I will go with the flow. Whatever the outcome I will be fine.

This week it asking me to be more receptive, to move inward and listen to my heart. To follow my heart even if it is not smart to do so. It says joy is coming. I think it is possible as I am bubbling with joy during aum chanting, something that has never happen before.

5. Resolution
Schizophrenia
Man is split. The whole effort of Zen is how to drop this split personality, how to drop the divided mind of man, how to become undivided, integrated, centered, crystallised.
U don't have a being. U r a market place - many voices. If u want to say 'yes', immediately the 'no' is there. U cannot even utter a simple word 'yes' with totality ...in this way happiness is not possible; unhappiness is a natural consequence of a split personality.

Soul
I think this may meant that I finally decided to commit to stay with Z till the end. Not as scary as before.
Now I realised my Nine of Diamonds as Pluto - is for me letting go of my control, of me letting go of my smartness, letting go of my fear of abandonment.
Just follow my happiness instead of avoiding my fear.
Actually, perhaps that's why I can go all the way with Z. What a timely healing when Z and I will meet up next week. I am ready for next step. I am ready to commit to us, whatever that may be. That's the unknown. My mind was screaming, what are u committing to, there is nothing from Z. My answer, I am committing to my being, my happiness. I am following through and trust God in his guidance. He brought me Z, make us stay together and He will bring us through on whatever we both need.


Oct 31 Eve
Was updating my blog for Sept 19 and I saw this.

Seven of Hearts
Unconditional love is really about wanting so much to remain in connection, no matter what manifestations may be happening nearby

Father, thanks for reminder to stay put. I just go into myself and suddenly joy bubbling out. I am on the right track. No more going to and fro in my decision to stay put. I am here to stay. Loving someone that doesn't love me won't kill me. It will uplift me as my 3 lessons in life is to make me whole by giving me the following:
1. Seven of Hearts - unconditional love
2. Seven of Clubs - positivity
3. Seven of Spades - faith.

Mmm, suddenly tot of calling him. This time I just did. But he was sleeping.

I am feeling bit guilty of spending. There seems to be massive job for bathroom. So, my budget could increased from 15k to 20k.
I know mom doesn't seem too happy that I am spending. But I deserve and can afford a nice place for myself. I am not going to buy another place and I am not sure if I be married into a bigger place. What I know is I have the money to give me a nice place.
I reminded myself P did office and bathroom and it costs her 20k.
So, mine should be fine too.

I discover that I like concrete or substance looking pieces of furniture. I don't like plastic or pvc feel. I got taste for quality look. I found the bed that is wood based but doesn't look heavy and I am going to have same feel of mute brown for the wardrobe.