Mind continues to spin unless we become aware

Oct 17 Aft
Major foul up with budget. My mind is attacking me non-stop. Today also 2 person is off and then further compounded we have to submit urgent regional reporting. Really bad day. Of course, mind is asking me to quit as I am not good enough.
Well, I am saying no.
Its true, mistakes was made but it was a real mad period with the accelerated deadlines. I knew I asked if the revenue was same and she said yes. So, only mistake was forgetting she doesn't have analytical review. As for me not good enough. I am good enough. People make mistakes and it is not just me only.

Osho
1. The Issue
Control
Controlled persons are always nervous because deep down turmoil is still hidden.
If u r uncontrolled, flowing, alive, then u r not nervous. Whatsoever happens, happens. U have no expectations for the future, u r not performing.

The King of Clouds reminds us to take a deep breath, loosen our ties and take it easy. If mistakes happen, its okay. If things get a little out of hand, its probably just what the doctor ordered. There is much, much more to life than being "on top of things"

Soul
Really true. When I got this card, I tot what could it be. But later I found out major blunder in budget.
If this were to happen a few mths ago, I would be freaking out. Feeling guilty and worthless and may even defend myself. But now, the mind is talking but I am not listening.
What happen has happened. I cannot change. Who knows, maybe still can amend since it was just locked last Friday.


2. Internal influence
Postponement
The woman is living in a gray landscape, full of unreal, cut-out clouds. Through the window frame she can see colours and light and aliveness, and although she would like to move
- she can't quite manage to do it. There is still too much "what if?"

Soul
Not sure about this. This morning I tot of me wanting Z and hope to see him before our next meet up. But I am afraid that I am too forward and he may not like it.

Second tot is about my job. But I dismissed it cos these just my mind talking, running away because don't want to "feel valueless".


3. External influence of which u r aware
Adventure
Truth is radical, personal realisation. U have to come to it. Insecurity is the only way to grow, to face danger is the only way to grow, to accept the unknown is the only way to grow.

When we move into the new and unknown (office, home, creative project, our rship), with the trusting spirit of a child, innocent and open and vulnerable, even the smallest things of life can become the greatest adventure.

Soul
Only tot of me and Z. I wish we can have more frequent meet. We need not spend the night. Just a simple date will do.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Maturity
The distinction between the grasses and the blossoms is the same as u not knowing that u r a buddha, and the moment u know that u r a buddha.

This is spiritual spring. The inner flowering and the wholeness that buddha feels affords the possibility of unlimited movement. He can move in any direction - within and without makes no difference as his joy and maturity cannot be diminished by externals. He has come to a time of centredness and expansiveness - the white glow around the figure is his protection and his light.
All his life experiences has brought him to this time of perfection. This is a gift for hard work well down. Ur base is solid now and success and good fortune are urs for they are the outcome of what has already been experienced within.


Soul
Mind said they may even scold me and terminate my job for the blunder. So, funny. Must be quite desperate to try that.

Father, I guess the events happen to show me where and how I am inside. Otherwise I wouldn't have known.

Father, I really want Z and I to meet more frequently.
My msg to him;
Hi. 1 month is too long for us. Can we meet up between now and 9 Nov? No need to book hotel. Just a lunch or dinner will do.

5. Resolution
Clinging to the past
Its time to face up to the fact that the past is gone, and any effort to repeat it is a sure way to stay stuck in old blueprints that u have already outgrown if u hadn't been so busy clinging to what u have already been through.


Soul
Yea. He did say our relationship is vibrating at different level.
I already declared I love him and he already said he didn't plan to execute his goal yet. So, why am I still wavering? Guess I am afraid of being rejected, afraid of being said I am not playing by the rules, afraid of him saying I am not in control.