Settling down with Z (20) - breakthru

Nov 20

Today the trees and grass were so lovely. They took my breathe away.
Just did the article for newsletter. It was quite easy for me.

Now bit settled on Z. I was reading my article on commitment; suddenly I realised why such dilemma. When we break up, we will break up. No need to be in dilemma. He is not under such dilemma and he doesn't want me to leave. We both wanted each other.

Father, this will be the last time I am going thru such dilemma. Why create unnecessary worry. Why worry about future?

Evening
Called him twice but no response. This time, I just msg him back to call me. This time, I won't take it as a reflection of me. Neither would I take my calling him as asking for commitment.
His idea of commitment is marriage. My idea of commitment is being monogamous with me. While we r together, we are loyal to each other. He has already given his 'commitment' to me.
I am not asking for marriage from him as I don't really want children and I don't feel financially secure with him.

I guess because last week, we finally connected and I got worried about being hooked. Anyway, I am no longer afraid.

On my writing, my mom and sis has asked what's my progress. I told them I was so busy and I have not written for past 1 month.

1. Breakthrough
It is the greatest adventure in life to go through a breakdown consciously.
Meditation is the method which will help u go through the chaos, through the dark night of the soul, balanced, discipline and alert. The dawn is not far away but before u can reach the dawn, the darknight has to be passed through. And as the dawn comes closer, the night will become darker.


Soul
When I got this card on Monday. I wonder what could it be. But I was in dilemma with Z, pondering future, deciding on ending and etc.

Breakthrough
If u r feeling that "enough is enough", allow urself to take the risk of shattering the old patterns and limitations that have kept ur energy from flowing. In doing so, u will be amazed. At the vitality and empowerment this Breakthrough can bring to ur life.

Soul
When the dilemma keeps on going, my energy level went down. I was tired and not feeling energised. Then towards afternoon, I read an article about commitmment and tot here I go again, how many rounds of mental break up do I need to make with Z. A tot came, why am I in dilemma. Z is not asking for break up. Why am I making myself sad over a break up that no one is asking for.

I called him twice - no response and even leave him a msg. This time it no longer affect me.
He already informed me that he doesn't return call cos he is working hard and put mobile on silent and when he become aware, it was after 11 pm and he knows I don't like it or I would have slept by then. Then the following day, he would be caught up with work.

Father, for a person that claimed he doesn't like me that much, he sure puts a lot of consideration for me. He even shared that he realised I am quite sensitive and take his jokes seriously and would hang up on him.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Innocence
If u drop all that has been given by others, u will have a totally different quality to ur being; innocence. This will be a crucifixion of the persona, the personality and there will be a resurrection of ur innocence. U will become a child again, reborn.

The innocence of a life lived fully has a quality of wisdom and acceptance of the ever-changing wonder of life.

3. External influence
Postponement
The relief and expansiveness u will feel once u put aside the dithering tots that r preventing u from acting now will make u wonder why u waited so long.

Soul
I feel better now that I got it settled. No more tots of self-break up. No more trying to run. No more trying to control, to take charge, to defend myself. I will walk this path, wherever it may take me.

What is needed for Resolution?
Travelling
Life is a continuity always and always. There is no final destination it is going towards. Just the pilgrimage, just the journey in itself is life, not reaching some point, no goal - just dancing and being in pilgrimage, moving joyously, without bothering about any destination. There is much, much more to life than being "on top of things".

5. Resolution
Control
If u r uncontrolled, flowing, alive, then u r not nervous. There is no question of being nervous - whatsoever happens, happens. U have no expectations for the future, u r not performing.

Soul
Amen. This was one of the longest reading to materialise. It was a difficult week. It was difficult to release my defense mechanism.