We attack in defense

Oct 17 Eve

Did my samyama. I cried a bit. Firstly tots came of feeling low value due to mistake at work and tots of feeling low value due to me not being respected by core, in particular C and P.

After I shared the email by teacher, I noticed that both of them now always question my judgement or decision. Last time they just follow what I said. But now its always to refer to teacher first or need M to be present.
I shared the mail by teacher because I want to let them know what I faced with teacher. Instead C said that teacher is correct and P said that I had no standing. Then when the concall was supposed to be on, C postpone it last minute because of M. Firstly, I think it is not important for everyone to be present. Perhaps, for me, I have faced teacher on my own and previously I include M so he won't feel out and secondly because I don't want be final lead.

And now due to timing, we can only do weekend, which I cannot as I am going away. But I told C to proceed. And I am sincere about it. But later pride came in and I tot that if they can do it without me, it goes to show where my standing is in the core group. Then I tot yea, its time I step down and be a follower. Just use my energy on my own project instead. Then I had run away tots.

And I also have run away tots on Z.

Father, all the 'rejection" is because I am afraid of feeling the low value when I am not accepted. When I was having those negative tots. I said stop attacking and just feel the low value. Later tears came and then negative tots stop and singing came.

Father, I am not representative of Isha's mould and I don't want to be. It took me so long to accept everything of me. And they said I am to drop my personality as I represent Isha. Then I rebelled cos I don't want to represent anyone except myself. I want to create my own mould and not live in other's mould, not even Sadhguru. And the thing is, he always said the change is internal but yet somehow people only perceives the form.

Like Sadhguru, he is just being himself. He didn't fit the guru's mould and I am fine with it. While I am thankful to him and say my daily prayer of thanks, I don't revered him. I also said thanks to Vijii, T, Z and myself for making the journey.

Anyway, let's use my creative energy to focus on my own project. As for Isha, I just be a follower.

In the midst of all these, suddenly I tot of sharing my ebook with A. He is a reader and he would know. I also know now that out of 10 people I shared only 2 came back. Mmm, fall out rate like Isha too. So, need not feel afraid of sharing with A.

Called Z about Isha. He said I am right to pull back and should spent time on things that makes me happy. I told him that I like to spend time in some nice village. He said he know a place and suggested we go for a drive next weekend to check out the place.