I choose Silence

Sept 2

Woke up 7.22 am on alarm. Did 5 cycle of Surya Kriya, today the breathe happens by itself by fourth and fifth cycle. Just doing breathe fluttering I felt as I m in Shambavi. My feet are still not aligned but the practices has deepens. Today the back stretch goes much backward then before.
I did a very quick Shavasana cos I want to do a longer Breathing meditation. It was nice.
Shakti was great. Kapala Bhakti was wonderful. It was effortless. For the first time I was able to do the slow speed requested. I tell myself use the swimming method. It is not the count but the length of stroke. I was even able to do a good breathe ending.
Towards the end I start to giggle.
Started Shambavi and mind start to sing. But behind the singing there was a silence. I focus on the silence and mind become quiet. This continues through out the Shambavi.

Towards the end Stillness comes in.
In all my life and 5 years in Shambavi, I never had so little tots. When a little tot comes in whether singing or not; I just said I choose Silence and I got it.
The Silence continues even while I m driving. The trees on the road side are so lovely. A little tots comes in and I can see and say that's not true. I choose Silence and I m back.

Father, something is growing within me. Reading Osho on the tears and trees led me to know that I truly encountered the high energy level enjoyed only by those who has reached deep meditation. This makes me appreciative and focus on it.
Also yesterday Osho on focus on what u gained instead of what's missing also puts me on the right track.
Father, I miss him and I miss my future partner. But what I have now is so great and I focus on growing them. I choose Silence as I still can't master my mind to create what I truly wants. At least let the mind stop creating what I don't want. Amen.

Just picked up last week Osho card on Resolution
Comparison
The way to find out  who you are is not by comparing urself with others

Soul
I m so blessed and I want to appreciate and grow my blessings.
My menses doesn't flow. Not sure why. But it is beyond me. If this is the start of premenopausal symptom; so be it. A true completion and I truly can't give the children he wanted and now it is confirmed. He is right to end our relationship as we can't have the children he wanted.
Just as he chose his path of Eight of Hearts that includes children; I too choose my path of Queen of Spades that includes my practices and exclude children and heavy financial commitment to enable my practices. Amen.