May 24 Eve
The Science of Mind
The illusion, seen and understood, is made negative in the experience of the one who suffered by it. While it is true that wrong conditions exist, they could not remain unless there were someone to experience it.
Consequently, the experience must be in consciousness. Change the consciousness and the false condition will disappear. Conditions are not entities, we are the entities. Can't that which is conscious cast out that which has no consciousness.
Soul
This was exactly what I discussed with YL today. I told her "nothing to lose" belief has resulted in fearlessness. If we have the same belief in our trigger issue, wouldn't our fears dissolve.
I was just thinking the situation, work or relationship are just forms, we are the substance. So, we can decide how the forms is to us.
The Science of Mind
A person can state that the Law of Life is a Law of Liberty, of Freedom. But he still sees the image of his limitation, which is a definite contradiction.
Right here, he must stop and declare that these images of limitation are neither person, place nor thing; that they have no power, personality nor presence and no real law to support them. He does not believe in them and they cannot operate through him. He is free from their influence, forever. He then begins to fill his tots with idea of faith, the expectancy of good and the realisation of plenty. He senses, and mentally sees, right action in his life. He puts his whole trust in the Law of Good, and It becomes very real to his being and in his affairs. He denies anything and everything that contradicts his realisation of this truth.
Soul
Father, U love me and is always at hand to lift me whenever I am down. Once I have a glimmer of insight for transformation, U will follow through immediately with other evidence/book that allow my insight to deepen and hence facilitate application.
I first started with I am not going to let my fear of abandonment runs my life. My life will be based on going for what I want instead of avoiding what I fear. So, I proceed with Z and reach the final door. But I cannot open it as the fear is still there.
Then I know its a fear of loss. I then transfer my concept of fearlessness in work to my relationship. And the belief is that "there is nothing to lose". When I have nothing to lose, I just respond and act accordingly on what is needed. I don't react based on fear of future or avoidance of past. I no longer fear of the future as even if we ends, we would have a great time. And I am no longer allowing my abandonment pain body to run my life.
Finally I have decided to open the last gate and I have told Z. What a dilemma it was and now that decision is made, only execution remains.
In the end, I only know one thing, God never meant for us to be unhappy. He is not crazy nor cruel to do that. God only meant happiness for us. And when a door is closed, a window will be open.
I am finally liberated.
The Science of Mind
Prayer
All suggestion of age, poverty, limitation or unhappiness is uprooted from my mind and cannot gain entrance to my thought.
I am happy and filled with perfect Life. I live in the Spirit of Truth and am conscious that the Spirit of Truth lives in me.
My word is the law unto its own manifestation, and will bring to me or cause me to be brought to its fulfillment.
There is no unbelief, no doubt, no uncertainty. Let every thought of doubt vanish from my mind that I may know the Truth and the Truth may make me free.
Expect a Miracle
See ur judgement u have about urself or ur partner. Notice where u can't see beyond the initial veil of judgment to the potential underneath.
Now make a conscious decision to lift these assumption. What would u see just below the surface? How would things unfold differently if u came up from an open mind?
A miracle is a shift in consciousness, a jump to a higher level, and it only takes a split second for this to occur. Somewhere in us, though, we have to make the decision to change our energy on a core level. Change the energy and the experience changes.
Soul
This is exactly same msg as The Science of Mind and also the Ultimate Accidental enlightenment.
Ultimate Accident
Chiyono and her bucket of water.
Chiyono; "This way and that way I tried to keep the pail together, hoping the weak bamboo would never break. Suddenly the bottom fell out. No more water, no more moon in the water, emptiness in my hand.
There is always a trigger point where the old disappears and the new starts, from where u r reborn. Suddenly u realised that everything was a reflection, an illusion, because it was seen through the mind. As the pail broke, the mind inside also broke.
Nothing was left to be done. She has earned it. This ordinary incident became a trigger point.
Soul
My new belief in relationship. There is nothing to fear as there is actually nothing to lose. Previously was the fear that I have something to lose and I was protecting it. Now I know that there is nothing to lose.
And it was YL being a mirror that led me to this discovery. Father, again I am humbled. I have been feeling bit resentful or rather envious of her continued reliance on me to provide her answers. I was resentful as she expect to be helped whereas no one help me. Now I knew it was all Ur great plan. The truth is in helping her, I too helped myself. Amen.
Expect a Miracle
Because we are not limited by our fear, our relationship are not dictated by our old negative assumptions. We become fertile ground for the miracle of love to take root.
Rainer Maria Rilke
For one human being to love another, that is perhaps the most difficult of all our task, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but a preparation.
Soul
I told Z I made a promise to love him. But I don't know if I can fulfill it as I am afraid to lose. But now I know I can love him because there is nothing to lose.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Cosmic Reward (54) - Joyfulness (abundance - there is no loss)
May 24 Aft
Was updating my Apr 18 blog and found this.
Osho
If u r not joyous, u cannot be loving. Love is a function of joy. Love happens only when u r full of joy; love is a shadow of joy; it doesn't happen directly. Only a blissful person is a loving person.
First create some joy, some dance, some song. Then sharing happens on its own accord. U need not do anything to share, u have to share when u have too much. Just like a flower, it has to spread its perfume.
A person who can be blissful alone has gone beyond any kind of dependency. And he is the person who can go into the world and give his love to people, because he no longer needs anything from them - he can simply go on giving unconditionally.
That's what meditation is all about. To be capable of being alone. Aloneness means u r happy with urself, u r not dependent on anybody.
Soul
I am already at this stage.
First create some joy, some dance, some song. Then sharing happens on its own accord. U need not do anything to share, u have to share when u have too much. Just like a flower, it has to spread its perfume.
When I reach my orgasm, I exploded into joyful laughter. I just hugged Z and share with him my joy.
I now need to grow into this;
A person who can be blissful alone has gone beyond any kind of dependency. And he is the person who can go into the world and give his love to people, because he no longer needs anything from them - he can simply go on giving unconditionally.
This morning I had the notion that there is nothing to lose in my rship with Z. So, I can give confidently. I need not worry about the future. I give because I want to, because its me, overflowing.
Father, thank U for this guidance to show me that I am on the right track. Amen
Osho
A mature person is one who has changed the whole pattern of his being. He is now ready to give. He has taken from the world and now he is ready to give. Growth means u start becoming mature, start dropping ur childhood patterns.
Soul
Yea, I have received loads and now its time to share.
Osho
A trees grows - it knows not to what, where; it has no idea of the future, it simply grows. It find growing a joy, so it goes on growing. It goes on putting new leaves, new foliage, new buds and new flowers. It is simply growing with no program. The trees trust and they grow.
If u r trying to follow a pgm, u will never grow, u will only become an imitator. Growth is spontaneous and natural; just be urself and do ur thing and do what is needed at the moment. Respond to here and now and u will be growing.
Soul
Yea, just respond to now.
Osho
Trees are growing, why should u not be growing.
Growth knows no future, it follows no pattern, it simply happens spontaneously. Improvement is a mind trip, growth is of the whole being.
Soul
This msg is same like the Accidental enlightenment. Spontaneous growth. "Nothing to lose" in relationship.
Updating blog dated Apr 23 and saw this
I protect my wound by not having any rship. He protect his wound by ensuring total control in his rship.
Both of us are afraid of losing.
Well, my new motto, there is nothing to lose and everything to share. I will give him.
Was updating my Apr 18 blog and found this.
Osho
If u r not joyous, u cannot be loving. Love is a function of joy. Love happens only when u r full of joy; love is a shadow of joy; it doesn't happen directly. Only a blissful person is a loving person.
First create some joy, some dance, some song. Then sharing happens on its own accord. U need not do anything to share, u have to share when u have too much. Just like a flower, it has to spread its perfume.
A person who can be blissful alone has gone beyond any kind of dependency. And he is the person who can go into the world and give his love to people, because he no longer needs anything from them - he can simply go on giving unconditionally.
That's what meditation is all about. To be capable of being alone. Aloneness means u r happy with urself, u r not dependent on anybody.
Soul
I am already at this stage.
First create some joy, some dance, some song. Then sharing happens on its own accord. U need not do anything to share, u have to share when u have too much. Just like a flower, it has to spread its perfume.
When I reach my orgasm, I exploded into joyful laughter. I just hugged Z and share with him my joy.
I now need to grow into this;
A person who can be blissful alone has gone beyond any kind of dependency. And he is the person who can go into the world and give his love to people, because he no longer needs anything from them - he can simply go on giving unconditionally.
This morning I had the notion that there is nothing to lose in my rship with Z. So, I can give confidently. I need not worry about the future. I give because I want to, because its me, overflowing.
Father, thank U for this guidance to show me that I am on the right track. Amen
Osho
A mature person is one who has changed the whole pattern of his being. He is now ready to give. He has taken from the world and now he is ready to give. Growth means u start becoming mature, start dropping ur childhood patterns.
Soul
Yea, I have received loads and now its time to share.
Osho
A trees grows - it knows not to what, where; it has no idea of the future, it simply grows. It find growing a joy, so it goes on growing. It goes on putting new leaves, new foliage, new buds and new flowers. It is simply growing with no program. The trees trust and they grow.
If u r trying to follow a pgm, u will never grow, u will only become an imitator. Growth is spontaneous and natural; just be urself and do ur thing and do what is needed at the moment. Respond to here and now and u will be growing.
Soul
Yea, just respond to now.
Osho
Trees are growing, why should u not be growing.
Growth knows no future, it follows no pattern, it simply happens spontaneously. Improvement is a mind trip, growth is of the whole being.
Soul
This msg is same like the Accidental enlightenment. Spontaneous growth. "Nothing to lose" in relationship.
Updating blog dated Apr 23 and saw this
I protect my wound by not having any rship. He protect his wound by ensuring total control in his rship.
Both of us are afraid of losing.
Well, my new motto, there is nothing to lose and everything to share. I will give him.
Cosmic Reward (53) - Enlightenment (There is nothing to lose!)
May 24
I can play to win instead. It is ok to lose. And it is not a loss per se, its more neutral. We have both gained from this relationship of ours, there were two less lonely people.
Like Sadhguru says. U can just change ur view of the gain or loss. What is gain or loss is just a matter of interpretation.
I also know why Z said he need children in his marriage as it seems to hold it together once the rship between husband and wife has gone stale.
As for me, P said I am neither domestic nor maternal. Seems to be true. But do I have to hold it so strong? So, I can't say I want to have children but I am not closed on the subject. So, will just park this topic aside. For now, let's just build on our relationship.
The Science of Mind
The Law must flow through us in order to manifest for us.
It has been proved that by thinking correctly and by a conscious mental use of the law of Mind, we can cause It to do definite things for us, through us. By conscious thinking, we give conscious direction to It, and It, consciously or unconsciously, responds to our advance along the line of our conscious, or subjective direction.
Soul
I know the Law definitely applies in my work and people handling. I told YL that I just play without fear. I am not worried if people thinks I am good or not. When situations comes up, I just create and apply what I think right. And that gives others the perception of confidence in me. Confidence is an outcome.
Father, let me shift some of my operating mode to my romantic relationship. I had too much fear resulting in so many negative tots/outcome that I cannot move.
With Samurai Game, I learnt that to play, u must have courage to lose. I now go another level to say that "there is nothing to lose". As this is my principal in office. I was just being myself, adapting and apply myself to the situations.
And because to me, "there is nothing to lose", I seem to be fearless at work. I take challenge as they come. To me, win some lose some, but I am still me.
So, in rship, whether I win or lose Z, I am still me, still fine. I am intact.
My text to J;
Hi. Do u perceive me to be fearless at work?
Text reply from J;
Yes. U r always in control when comes to work
Text reply from me;
Because to me at work, "there is nothing to lose". So, I just face each task as it come to me. I am not bother at how others see me, good or bad. I just focus on doing what I know. My focus is on me and not others. I am analysing this as I want to transfer my knowhow at work to apply in my romantic rship. :)
Soul
I think I am on the right track. This is a turn around for me. I will face my cosmic lesson in Z, Seven of Spades.
Suddenly tot of Z's tenacious hold to his goal, him being self-made. To him, he goes for it, nothing to lose. So, even now at such bad financial strait, he can still survive calmly.
Also tot of the con job, nothing of me is lost. I am still intact. Father, I will face this Cosmic Lesson with a positive turn.
The Science of Mind
If we believe that It will not work, It really works by appearing to "not work". When we believe that It cannot and will not, then according to the principle, It Does Not. But when It does not, It still does according to our belief that It will not.
This is our own punishment through the law of cause and effect; we do not enter in because of our doubts and fears. It is not a punishment imposed upon us by the Spirit of God, but an automatic result of failing constructively to use the Law of God.
Therefore we should learn to control our thought processes and bring them into line with Reality. Thought should tend more and more toward an affirmative attitude of mind that is positive, stable, and - above all else - toward a real unity with Spirit that is already complete and perfect.
We should be able to look at a discordant fact in the face and deny its reality, since we know its seeming reality is borrowed from illusion, from "chaos and old night". Our standard is one of perfection.
We should be able to look at a wrong condition with the knowledge that we can change it. The realisation that we have this ability must be gained by the application of our knowledge.
Soul
Amen. This is how I view on Work, nothing to lose. Just try as my belief on work is this;
We should be able to look at a wrong condition with the knowledge that we can change it.
I can play to win instead. It is ok to lose. And it is not a loss per se, its more neutral. We have both gained from this relationship of ours, there were two less lonely people.
Like Sadhguru says. U can just change ur view of the gain or loss. What is gain or loss is just a matter of interpretation.
I also know why Z said he need children in his marriage as it seems to hold it together once the rship between husband and wife has gone stale.
As for me, P said I am neither domestic nor maternal. Seems to be true. But do I have to hold it so strong? So, I can't say I want to have children but I am not closed on the subject. So, will just park this topic aside. For now, let's just build on our relationship.
The Science of Mind
The Law must flow through us in order to manifest for us.
It has been proved that by thinking correctly and by a conscious mental use of the law of Mind, we can cause It to do definite things for us, through us. By conscious thinking, we give conscious direction to It, and It, consciously or unconsciously, responds to our advance along the line of our conscious, or subjective direction.
Soul
I know the Law definitely applies in my work and people handling. I told YL that I just play without fear. I am not worried if people thinks I am good or not. When situations comes up, I just create and apply what I think right. And that gives others the perception of confidence in me. Confidence is an outcome.
Father, let me shift some of my operating mode to my romantic relationship. I had too much fear resulting in so many negative tots/outcome that I cannot move.
With Samurai Game, I learnt that to play, u must have courage to lose. I now go another level to say that "there is nothing to lose". As this is my principal in office. I was just being myself, adapting and apply myself to the situations.
And because to me, "there is nothing to lose", I seem to be fearless at work. I take challenge as they come. To me, win some lose some, but I am still me.
So, in rship, whether I win or lose Z, I am still me, still fine. I am intact.
My text to J;
Hi. Do u perceive me to be fearless at work?
Text reply from J;
Yes. U r always in control when comes to work
Text reply from me;
Because to me at work, "there is nothing to lose". So, I just face each task as it come to me. I am not bother at how others see me, good or bad. I just focus on doing what I know. My focus is on me and not others. I am analysing this as I want to transfer my knowhow at work to apply in my romantic rship. :)
Soul
I think I am on the right track. This is a turn around for me. I will face my cosmic lesson in Z, Seven of Spades.
Suddenly tot of Z's tenacious hold to his goal, him being self-made. To him, he goes for it, nothing to lose. So, even now at such bad financial strait, he can still survive calmly.
Also tot of the con job, nothing of me is lost. I am still intact. Father, I will face this Cosmic Lesson with a positive turn.
The Science of Mind
If we believe that It will not work, It really works by appearing to "not work". When we believe that It cannot and will not, then according to the principle, It Does Not. But when It does not, It still does according to our belief that It will not.
This is our own punishment through the law of cause and effect; we do not enter in because of our doubts and fears. It is not a punishment imposed upon us by the Spirit of God, but an automatic result of failing constructively to use the Law of God.
Therefore we should learn to control our thought processes and bring them into line with Reality. Thought should tend more and more toward an affirmative attitude of mind that is positive, stable, and - above all else - toward a real unity with Spirit that is already complete and perfect.
We should be able to look at a discordant fact in the face and deny its reality, since we know its seeming reality is borrowed from illusion, from "chaos and old night". Our standard is one of perfection.
We should be able to look at a wrong condition with the knowledge that we can change it. The realisation that we have this ability must be gained by the application of our knowledge.
Soul
Amen. This is how I view on Work, nothing to lose. Just try as my belief on work is this;
We should be able to look at a wrong condition with the knowledge that we can change it.
Cosmic Lesson (62) - Facing my ego breakdown consciously
May 23 Eve
Father, the situation with Z humbled me once more. Today, I acted with compassion to YL and A.
I find myself not resenting that they ask questions. But I even offer to help.
Everyone has their trigger points. It is just that my trigger point is not at work, mine is in rship.
Once I can have emphaty for others, I too can have emphaty for my own trigger points.
Father, thank u for bringing me back to Love. You are right, my power leads to arrogance.
Apr 12 blog
Breakthrough
It is the greatest adventure in life to go through a breakdown consciously. And without facing this danger nobdoy has ever become integrated, nobody has ever become an individual, indivisible.
The dawn is not far away but before u can reach the dawn, the dark nights has to be passed through. And as the dawn comes closer, the night will become darker.
Soul
I am experiencing this now. I know I am going to open the final door despite the fact that Z and I won't be a couple.
I am going through my plan because of my spiritual growth. The night is getting darker. Let me hope for my self integration once I open up all my doors to him.
I now understand what the others faced at office. I can no longer judged them. Thanks for humbling me, for bringing out compassion towards others and myself. Thanks for bringing out the love in me. Amen.
Tears came to my eyes. Bit delayed reaction from last Friday. But alas I can let my feeling come out. Will have a good cry in the car.
Evening
Let some small scream in the car. Tears come a little and stop. Suddenly don't feel the need to cry. I just feel the trees and get energy from them.
When I return back home, there were msg from him. Previously I would have taken that opportunity to call back. Instead I just replied his query and when he responded again, I just ignored it. Don't feel like talking to him today.
I just remember we r not a couple, need not entertain him per se. Need not worry about him being slighted. I just want to be alone tonite. Tired partly due to allergy pill and also sad that I finally come to my senses, we are not to be. Besides its about time he has a taste of his medicine, being non-responsive.
The Science of Mind
If we wish for a certain good, we must instill into our own minds, a realisation of this specific good and then ---- as this idea is the mold we place in mind --- it will be filled by the substance necessary for the complete manifestation of the good in our lives.
Soul
True, m feeling negative. But its time I woke up. I already lost. Just had to complete the battle by opening the last door of surrender.
Father, the situation with Z humbled me once more. Today, I acted with compassion to YL and A.
I find myself not resenting that they ask questions. But I even offer to help.
Everyone has their trigger points. It is just that my trigger point is not at work, mine is in rship.
Once I can have emphaty for others, I too can have emphaty for my own trigger points.
Father, thank u for bringing me back to Love. You are right, my power leads to arrogance.
Apr 12 blog
Breakthrough
It is the greatest adventure in life to go through a breakdown consciously. And without facing this danger nobdoy has ever become integrated, nobody has ever become an individual, indivisible.
The dawn is not far away but before u can reach the dawn, the dark nights has to be passed through. And as the dawn comes closer, the night will become darker.
Soul
I am experiencing this now. I know I am going to open the final door despite the fact that Z and I won't be a couple.
I am going through my plan because of my spiritual growth. The night is getting darker. Let me hope for my self integration once I open up all my doors to him.
I now understand what the others faced at office. I can no longer judged them. Thanks for humbling me, for bringing out compassion towards others and myself. Thanks for bringing out the love in me. Amen.
Tears came to my eyes. Bit delayed reaction from last Friday. But alas I can let my feeling come out. Will have a good cry in the car.
Evening
Let some small scream in the car. Tears come a little and stop. Suddenly don't feel the need to cry. I just feel the trees and get energy from them.
When I return back home, there were msg from him. Previously I would have taken that opportunity to call back. Instead I just replied his query and when he responded again, I just ignored it. Don't feel like talking to him today.
I just remember we r not a couple, need not entertain him per se. Need not worry about him being slighted. I just want to be alone tonite. Tired partly due to allergy pill and also sad that I finally come to my senses, we are not to be. Besides its about time he has a taste of his medicine, being non-responsive.
The Science of Mind
If we wish for a certain good, we must instill into our own minds, a realisation of this specific good and then ---- as this idea is the mold we place in mind --- it will be filled by the substance necessary for the complete manifestation of the good in our lives.
Soul
True, m feeling negative. But its time I woke up. I already lost. Just had to complete the battle by opening the last door of surrender.
Cosmic Reward (52) - Z is perfect for me now!
May 23 Aft (My confession)
Father, no response from him. But I am fine, old trigger doesn't work especially since I now had no illusion about us, my expectation of him as a boyfriend has reduced considerably. But I see us as equal partner and that's why the other day when he asked for it, I counter back too. We are nearly on even playing field now. One main lap to go and I am a fast learner.
Expect a Miracle
Ur body is a vessel through which Grace flows. The clearer u r, the more radiant and magnetic u become.
Soul
I am now definitely radiant. Magnetic still to come.
Expect a miracle
Having negative expectations in our minds is like putting up a wall that keeps love away.
Soul
Tot of me and Z. I can say I now have clarity in my expectation. It is negative, no doubt. When Z said he predict I leave him by year end, he doesn't sounds happy. And here I didn't correct nor deny it.
Why? To say that I am staying won't be right coss I will leave this uncommitted relationship. As for the timing, I cannot even promise that its year end, as it may be sooner.
But the thing that strikes me is that he doesn't seem to have an exit, to him is mid next year, once he is up financially and he can source for his life partner.
Anyway, let it be. Meanwhile, I just need to complete my mission. Then I will think about it.
Expect a miracle
Discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
Soul
Tot of me having positive tots on us and was hoping we will convert into a normal couple. Alas, my wish is dashed when he said if I can still manage my emotion for him, otherwise we have to stop.
(May 30 - he didnt say that. He asked me because he wants to gauge when I will run. It is not because he wants me to run.)
Father, I know he do like me but his mind is fixed on his plan. Before I went to Korea, it opens up but he is now back on his plans.
What do I see in this? Do I think I am unlovable? This time, nope. And neither did I take his financials personally. Just like he is fixed on his plan to have marriage with children, I also cannot see how it fits with me.
Father, we both cannot move
1. I cannot open up because I know his plan doesn't include me. He is waiting to be sounds financially so he can source for his life partner who wants kids
2. Z cannot open up because he knows I don't want kids and I am here for short term.
Like D said we cannot move and this rship will proceed to a natural death and both are not committing to it, no growth.
I keep on saying he won't change. He also thinks I won't change.
My confession.
"I always forgot I have to leave u. And I don't want to leave as things are great between us, much better than we both expected.
But everytime we meet, u will remind me that I have to leave u as u ur future plan doesn't includes me. U also tell me that when u r financially sound u will source for new partners.
That's why when I am not with u, I wanted u in me, but when I am with u, u reminded me that I cannot have u and so I don't want u in me"
Father, no response from him. But I am fine, old trigger doesn't work especially since I now had no illusion about us, my expectation of him as a boyfriend has reduced considerably. But I see us as equal partner and that's why the other day when he asked for it, I counter back too. We are nearly on even playing field now. One main lap to go and I am a fast learner.
Expect a Miracle
Ur body is a vessel through which Grace flows. The clearer u r, the more radiant and magnetic u become.
Soul
I am now definitely radiant. Magnetic still to come.
Expect a miracle
Having negative expectations in our minds is like putting up a wall that keeps love away.
Soul
Tot of me and Z. I can say I now have clarity in my expectation. It is negative, no doubt. When Z said he predict I leave him by year end, he doesn't sounds happy. And here I didn't correct nor deny it.
Why? To say that I am staying won't be right coss I will leave this uncommitted relationship. As for the timing, I cannot even promise that its year end, as it may be sooner.
But the thing that strikes me is that he doesn't seem to have an exit, to him is mid next year, once he is up financially and he can source for his life partner.
Anyway, let it be. Meanwhile, I just need to complete my mission. Then I will think about it.
Expect a miracle
Discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
Soul
Tot of me having positive tots on us and was hoping we will convert into a normal couple. Alas, my wish is dashed when he said if I can still manage my emotion for him, otherwise we have to stop.
(May 30 - he didnt say that. He asked me because he wants to gauge when I will run. It is not because he wants me to run.)
Father, I know he do like me but his mind is fixed on his plan. Before I went to Korea, it opens up but he is now back on his plans.
What do I see in this? Do I think I am unlovable? This time, nope. And neither did I take his financials personally. Just like he is fixed on his plan to have marriage with children, I also cannot see how it fits with me.
Father, we both cannot move
1. I cannot open up because I know his plan doesn't include me. He is waiting to be sounds financially so he can source for his life partner who wants kids
2. Z cannot open up because he knows I don't want kids and I am here for short term.
Like D said we cannot move and this rship will proceed to a natural death and both are not committing to it, no growth.
I keep on saying he won't change. He also thinks I won't change.
My confession.
"I always forgot I have to leave u. And I don't want to leave as things are great between us, much better than we both expected.
But everytime we meet, u will remind me that I have to leave u as u ur future plan doesn't includes me. U also tell me that when u r financially sound u will source for new partners.
That's why when I am not with u, I wanted u in me, but when I am with u, u reminded me that I cannot have u and so I don't want u in me"
Cosmic Lesson (61) - Msg to stay from Osho Transformation Cards
May 23
Father, this morning I woke up wit a tot, I like Z and he doesn't like me but wants me only. So, just make the best of the moment. I will complete the course because I don't know if my unwillingness to let go is because I like him or because I haven't complete the course. Anyway, finally alas, he is returning the pleasure to me. So, no reason to discontinue.
Did my practice and I feel its another level, more freed up. Suria was effortless. Have some tots of him but it was not endless.
Also, saw the book "Expect a Miracle". First tot was there is no hope between us, then second tot, then I expect a miracle instead, either with him or someone else. So, I keep the book. In order to complete the course, I still need the hope to continue.
Transformation Card
1. Ur question
The Quest - searching for the house of God.
Gather all courage and take a jump. U will still exist, but in such a new way that u cannot connect it with the old. It will be a discontinuity. From a small dewdrop, u have become the ocean. But even the dewdrop slipping from a lotus leaf trembles for a moment, trying to hang a little more, because he can see the ocean...once he has fallen from the lotus leaf, he is gone. But it is not a loss, u will be oceanic. The oceanic of existence is unlimited.
For the realisation of ultimate truth, u have to pay the price -- and the price is nothing but dropping the ego. So, when such a moment comes, don't hesitate. Dancingly, disappear, with a great laughter, disappear; with songs on ur lips, disappear.
Soul
I was asking how to continue. He has reiterated that we are not a couple and he will find his own life partner. Its true, he has the best of times with me, both physically and mentally, but it doesn't change his plan.
So, I will definitely proceed. Already bought another 2 months of supply of contraceptives and a lubricant for the finale.
I had my first glimpse, the uncontrollable laughter and now I find my practices has a different flavour.
2. External influences that u r aware of
Love
The seed is never in danger as it is absolutely protected. But the plant is always in danger as it has to pass through a thousand and one hazards. And not all plants are going to attain to that height where they can bloom into flower, a thousand and one flowers.
Very few human beings attain to the second stage, and even more few that goes to attain the third stage, the stage of flower.
Why can't they attain the third stage, the stage of flower? Because of greed, because of miserliness, they are not ready to share ... Because of a state of unlovingness.
Courage is needed to become a plant, and love is needed to become a flower. A flower means the tree is opening up its heart, releasing its perfume, giving it soul, pouring its being into exsitence.
Don't remain a seed. Gather courage - courage to drop the ego, courage to drop the securities, courage to drop the safeties, courage to be vulnerable.
Soul
Now that I knew there is no hope but yet I have to continue, I know its requires more than courage, it requires me to lose willingly. And to do so, means I have to be in love unconditionally.
3. Inner influences u r not aware / seed of transformation that is now preparing to take root within u.
Misuse of Power - how vivekananda lost his key
The only antidote for the misuse of psychic power is love, otherwise all ur power corrupts.
Power blinds the eyes;
Love opens the eyes, love cleanses the eyes...ur perception becomes clear.
Vivekananda tries to destroy a simple man's life, he died without attaining enlightenment. Although he become Ramakrishna successor because he is a great orator, had a certain charisma, influenced people, he himself died a poor man, knowing nothing.
Soul
Possible. Like I told Z I just want to be left alone. I don't want to share, why can't they seek their own, why don't they pay the price I had to pay.
Yea, recently I had refused to help compassionately. I just give the base and I expect them to fill in the blanks. I am no longer as loving as before. I no longer want to be the saviour to all and sundry.
Even Ch whom I tot is close to me and yet didn't tell me she is going to shoonya, dented my ego a bit. Even Caroline prefer to ask LK rather than me, so there proofs that I don't exude the compassion for people to seek me.
Those who sought me are my current friends.
4. New levels of understanding that are just becoming available to u.
Ultimate Accident
Chiyono and her bucket of water.
It is not a certain sequence of causes that brings enlightenment. Ur search, ur intense longing, ur readiness to do anything - altogether perhaps they create a certain aroma around u in which that great accident becomes possible.
Chiyono; "This way and that way I tried to keep the pail together, hoping the weak bamboo would never break. Suddenly the bottom fell out. No more water, no more moon in the water, emptiness in my hand.
The ultimate accident for enlightenment happens only to those who have been doing much for it - but it never happens because of their doing. The doing is just a cause that creates the situation in them so they become accident-prone, that's all.
There is always a trigger point where the old disappears and the new starts, from where u r reborn. Suddenly u realised that everything was a reflection, an illusion, because it was seen through the mind. As the pail broke, the mind inside also broke.
Nothing was left to be done. She has earned it. This ordinary incident became a trigger point.
When there is nobody, not even u. Then u have attained the original face of Zen.
Soul
A burst of joy and laughter erupted when I reach my orgasms. And now there is another level that I need to cross. I must open up the final door.
5. The key to integration - inner understanding that u need to work on right now
No mind - the ultimate and the inexpressible
The state of no-mind is the state of the divine. God is not a tot but the experience of thoughtlessness. It is not a content in the mind; it is the explosion when the mind is content-less.
It is not an object u can see, its the capacity to see. It its not the seen but the seer. It is not like the clouds that gather in the sky but the sky when there are no clouds. It is that empty sky.
When the consciousness is not going out to any object, when there is nothing to see, nothing to think, just emptiness all around, then one falls upon oneself.
Ur inner being is nothing but the inner sky. It is the empty sky that gives space to all that is. It is the empty sky that is the background. Things come and go and the sky remains the same.
Go on in, enjoy ur inner sky. Remember whosever u can see, u r not it.
U can see ur tots, then u r not tots; u can see ur feelings, then u r not ur feelings; u can see ur dreams, desires, memories, imagination, projections, then U R NOT ONE OF THEM.
Go on eliminating all that u can see. The one day, there is nothing left to be rejected. All the seen has disappeared and only the seer is there. The seer is the empty sky.
To know it is to be fearless, and to know it is to be full of love. To know it is to be God, is to be immortal.
Soul
Tall order. But I decided to do Isha Kriya on nitely.
Father, this morning I woke up wit a tot, I like Z and he doesn't like me but wants me only. So, just make the best of the moment. I will complete the course because I don't know if my unwillingness to let go is because I like him or because I haven't complete the course. Anyway, finally alas, he is returning the pleasure to me. So, no reason to discontinue.
Did my practice and I feel its another level, more freed up. Suria was effortless. Have some tots of him but it was not endless.
Also, saw the book "Expect a Miracle". First tot was there is no hope between us, then second tot, then I expect a miracle instead, either with him or someone else. So, I keep the book. In order to complete the course, I still need the hope to continue.
Transformation Card
1. Ur question
The Quest - searching for the house of God.
Gather all courage and take a jump. U will still exist, but in such a new way that u cannot connect it with the old. It will be a discontinuity. From a small dewdrop, u have become the ocean. But even the dewdrop slipping from a lotus leaf trembles for a moment, trying to hang a little more, because he can see the ocean...once he has fallen from the lotus leaf, he is gone. But it is not a loss, u will be oceanic. The oceanic of existence is unlimited.
For the realisation of ultimate truth, u have to pay the price -- and the price is nothing but dropping the ego. So, when such a moment comes, don't hesitate. Dancingly, disappear, with a great laughter, disappear; with songs on ur lips, disappear.
Soul
I was asking how to continue. He has reiterated that we are not a couple and he will find his own life partner. Its true, he has the best of times with me, both physically and mentally, but it doesn't change his plan.
So, I will definitely proceed. Already bought another 2 months of supply of contraceptives and a lubricant for the finale.
I had my first glimpse, the uncontrollable laughter and now I find my practices has a different flavour.
2. External influences that u r aware of
Love
The seed is never in danger as it is absolutely protected. But the plant is always in danger as it has to pass through a thousand and one hazards. And not all plants are going to attain to that height where they can bloom into flower, a thousand and one flowers.
Very few human beings attain to the second stage, and even more few that goes to attain the third stage, the stage of flower.
Why can't they attain the third stage, the stage of flower? Because of greed, because of miserliness, they are not ready to share ... Because of a state of unlovingness.
Courage is needed to become a plant, and love is needed to become a flower. A flower means the tree is opening up its heart, releasing its perfume, giving it soul, pouring its being into exsitence.
Don't remain a seed. Gather courage - courage to drop the ego, courage to drop the securities, courage to drop the safeties, courage to be vulnerable.
Soul
Now that I knew there is no hope but yet I have to continue, I know its requires more than courage, it requires me to lose willingly. And to do so, means I have to be in love unconditionally.
3. Inner influences u r not aware / seed of transformation that is now preparing to take root within u.
Misuse of Power - how vivekananda lost his key
The only antidote for the misuse of psychic power is love, otherwise all ur power corrupts.
Power blinds the eyes;
Love opens the eyes, love cleanses the eyes...ur perception becomes clear.
Vivekananda tries to destroy a simple man's life, he died without attaining enlightenment. Although he become Ramakrishna successor because he is a great orator, had a certain charisma, influenced people, he himself died a poor man, knowing nothing.
Soul
Possible. Like I told Z I just want to be left alone. I don't want to share, why can't they seek their own, why don't they pay the price I had to pay.
Yea, recently I had refused to help compassionately. I just give the base and I expect them to fill in the blanks. I am no longer as loving as before. I no longer want to be the saviour to all and sundry.
Even Ch whom I tot is close to me and yet didn't tell me she is going to shoonya, dented my ego a bit. Even Caroline prefer to ask LK rather than me, so there proofs that I don't exude the compassion for people to seek me.
Those who sought me are my current friends.
4. New levels of understanding that are just becoming available to u.
Ultimate Accident
Chiyono and her bucket of water.
It is not a certain sequence of causes that brings enlightenment. Ur search, ur intense longing, ur readiness to do anything - altogether perhaps they create a certain aroma around u in which that great accident becomes possible.
Chiyono; "This way and that way I tried to keep the pail together, hoping the weak bamboo would never break. Suddenly the bottom fell out. No more water, no more moon in the water, emptiness in my hand.
The ultimate accident for enlightenment happens only to those who have been doing much for it - but it never happens because of their doing. The doing is just a cause that creates the situation in them so they become accident-prone, that's all.
There is always a trigger point where the old disappears and the new starts, from where u r reborn. Suddenly u realised that everything was a reflection, an illusion, because it was seen through the mind. As the pail broke, the mind inside also broke.
Nothing was left to be done. She has earned it. This ordinary incident became a trigger point.
When there is nobody, not even u. Then u have attained the original face of Zen.
Soul
A burst of joy and laughter erupted when I reach my orgasms. And now there is another level that I need to cross. I must open up the final door.
5. The key to integration - inner understanding that u need to work on right now
No mind - the ultimate and the inexpressible
The state of no-mind is the state of the divine. God is not a tot but the experience of thoughtlessness. It is not a content in the mind; it is the explosion when the mind is content-less.
It is not an object u can see, its the capacity to see. It its not the seen but the seer. It is not like the clouds that gather in the sky but the sky when there are no clouds. It is that empty sky.
When the consciousness is not going out to any object, when there is nothing to see, nothing to think, just emptiness all around, then one falls upon oneself.
Ur inner being is nothing but the inner sky. It is the empty sky that gives space to all that is. It is the empty sky that is the background. Things come and go and the sky remains the same.
Go on in, enjoy ur inner sky. Remember whosever u can see, u r not it.
U can see ur tots, then u r not tots; u can see ur feelings, then u r not ur feelings; u can see ur dreams, desires, memories, imagination, projections, then U R NOT ONE OF THEM.
Go on eliminating all that u can see. The one day, there is nothing left to be rejected. All the seen has disappeared and only the seer is there. The seer is the empty sky.
To know it is to be fearless, and to know it is to be full of love. To know it is to be God, is to be immortal.
Soul
Tall order. But I decided to do Isha Kriya on nitely.
Cosmic Reward (51) - Z is perfect for me now!
May 22 Eve
Father, maybe its true what P said about me needing to fulfill social stigma on having a partner.
Aiyah, never mind lah. Don't have to deliberate, its just the mind working overtime.
Actually if I ignore the mind, the tots lessen and journal become less.
What is marriage?
Two people who stayed together to create a family. Children is need to maintain the fun in rship, to provide the link to stay in a small community. To be part of social link.
Evening
Tot of calling him. But then the realisation that he doesn't need me to do so keep me away. I was thinking why prolong it by giving it so much communication. I should keep it simple.
Yea, I am running away, m switching off.
Aiyah, I only know one thing, at this moment he is perfect for me. If I don't think of future, we r good and I need not worry. If I don't think of past, I am not afraid.
So, what if he thinks I like him more, what if he thinks I cannot control myself. I already lost it that day with him. What is there not to lose?
Suddenly a tot occur. Instead of being sad that he predict my leaving. I should be happy cos that's means I love myself too much to be in just a physical rship. Since everyone predict I can leave him as I won't be satisfy with a no commitment rship ...and my card for next year also said so and Z card also said so. Just enjoy it for now, and need not worry about future.
Anyway, just called him but voice mail. He is probably asleep by now.
I am feeling bit positive. It was quite effortless for us to begin. And who knows it may be effortless for us to end. So, my mantra that "My love life is effortless" still stands as I am living it.
The Science of Mind - Ernest Holmes
Let us realise this with perfect faith: That as high as we shall make our mark in Mind and Spirit, so high shall be Its outward manifestation in our material world.
Soul
I will just participate as mySelf with Z and let the outcome be.
The Science of Mind
Love points the way and Law makes the way possible.
Soul
If Z hasn't been putting stop to us, I would have bull dozed. On the other hand, if he hasn't been patient, we would never have started.
Father, maybe its true what P said about me needing to fulfill social stigma on having a partner.
Aiyah, never mind lah. Don't have to deliberate, its just the mind working overtime.
Actually if I ignore the mind, the tots lessen and journal become less.
What is marriage?
Two people who stayed together to create a family. Children is need to maintain the fun in rship, to provide the link to stay in a small community. To be part of social link.
Evening
Tot of calling him. But then the realisation that he doesn't need me to do so keep me away. I was thinking why prolong it by giving it so much communication. I should keep it simple.
Yea, I am running away, m switching off.
Aiyah, I only know one thing, at this moment he is perfect for me. If I don't think of future, we r good and I need not worry. If I don't think of past, I am not afraid.
So, what if he thinks I like him more, what if he thinks I cannot control myself. I already lost it that day with him. What is there not to lose?
Suddenly a tot occur. Instead of being sad that he predict my leaving. I should be happy cos that's means I love myself too much to be in just a physical rship. Since everyone predict I can leave him as I won't be satisfy with a no commitment rship ...and my card for next year also said so and Z card also said so. Just enjoy it for now, and need not worry about future.
Anyway, just called him but voice mail. He is probably asleep by now.
I am feeling bit positive. It was quite effortless for us to begin. And who knows it may be effortless for us to end. So, my mantra that "My love life is effortless" still stands as I am living it.
The Science of Mind - Ernest Holmes
Let us realise this with perfect faith: That as high as we shall make our mark in Mind and Spirit, so high shall be Its outward manifestation in our material world.
Soul
I will just participate as mySelf with Z and let the outcome be.
The Science of Mind
Love points the way and Law makes the way possible.
Soul
If Z hasn't been putting stop to us, I would have bull dozed. On the other hand, if he hasn't been patient, we would never have started.
Cosmic Lesson (60) - Abandonment surfaced...but I am staying
May 22
Father, suddenly my feeling is out. I wanted to have a normal couple relationship with Z. But he doesn't want to as he had plainly and clearly told me.
True he does like me and want me but I don't fit into his plan of marriage and children. So, he didn't put his emotion into it.
Perhaps I am lying to myself for thinking I can do it. I don't feel proud of this. I feel I am selling myself short. I can't say I love him but I know I want him as a partner and I don't want to be in a relationship that I have to hide and hold back myself.
Am I kidding myself that I can continue?
I now need to accelerate as I want to go all the way before I took the exit. True, I may hurt more, but I am already in and it make no difference. But at least I achieved what I set out to do which is to physically transform myself sexually.
So, it has to end by 31 Aug.
Read my blog again and I realised I was on running mode with my fear of abandonment. I was expressing my hurt. I tot alas we can be a couple, but instead he reiterated we are not and expect me to leave by year end and he is fine with that. Its like 2 step forward and 1 step backward. But the good thing is that I finally got my first peak with him, at least I got some benefits out of this.
And he has helped me overcome taking things personally. Yea, it was suffering but blessing in disguise.
In the end, he is great as my first sexual partner. For that I thank him.
Yea, when I don't compare with the joneses, I am fine. That's my growth path.
The science of mind
Great as the subconscious is, its tendency is set in motion by the conscious tot, and in this possibility lies the path of freedom.
The karmic law is not kismet. It is not fate but cause and effect. It is a taskmaster to the unwise; a servant to the wise.
Soul
I want to rise above this.
I want to stay but everytime he talk of his future that exclude me, I wanted to leave. He now even predict when I will leave.
Just bought 2 more stacks of pills and even bought a lubricant. I am committed to full rship with him.
Osho
To be free of pain, the pain has to be accepted inevitably and naturally. Pain is pain. Suffering, however is only and always the refusal of pain, the claim that life should not be painful.
Soul
Tot of me and Z. Well, at least its openly declared that we will end. So, now its how we want to live it before it ends. For me, I want to be liberated physically and emotionally from the fear of abandonment.
Father, suddenly my feeling is out. I wanted to have a normal couple relationship with Z. But he doesn't want to as he had plainly and clearly told me.
True he does like me and want me but I don't fit into his plan of marriage and children. So, he didn't put his emotion into it.
Perhaps I am lying to myself for thinking I can do it. I don't feel proud of this. I feel I am selling myself short. I can't say I love him but I know I want him as a partner and I don't want to be in a relationship that I have to hide and hold back myself.
Am I kidding myself that I can continue?
I now need to accelerate as I want to go all the way before I took the exit. True, I may hurt more, but I am already in and it make no difference. But at least I achieved what I set out to do which is to physically transform myself sexually.
So, it has to end by 31 Aug.
Read my blog again and I realised I was on running mode with my fear of abandonment. I was expressing my hurt. I tot alas we can be a couple, but instead he reiterated we are not and expect me to leave by year end and he is fine with that. Its like 2 step forward and 1 step backward. But the good thing is that I finally got my first peak with him, at least I got some benefits out of this.
And he has helped me overcome taking things personally. Yea, it was suffering but blessing in disguise.
In the end, he is great as my first sexual partner. For that I thank him.
Yea, when I don't compare with the joneses, I am fine. That's my growth path.
The science of mind
Great as the subconscious is, its tendency is set in motion by the conscious tot, and in this possibility lies the path of freedom.
The karmic law is not kismet. It is not fate but cause and effect. It is a taskmaster to the unwise; a servant to the wise.
Soul
I want to rise above this.
I want to stay but everytime he talk of his future that exclude me, I wanted to leave. He now even predict when I will leave.
Just bought 2 more stacks of pills and even bought a lubricant. I am committed to full rship with him.
Osho
To be free of pain, the pain has to be accepted inevitably and naturally. Pain is pain. Suffering, however is only and always the refusal of pain, the claim that life should not be painful.
Soul
Tot of me and Z. Well, at least its openly declared that we will end. So, now its how we want to live it before it ends. For me, I want to be liberated physically and emotionally from the fear of abandonment.
Shared with P on Z
May 21
Father, spoke to P about Z. She seems confident that I am able to leave the rship once I have experienced it. She also said that she thinks I am not in love with Z and I am just doing this for experience sake.
The assessment is bit cold. While I do want Z, I am not sure if I love him.
We also spoke of children and she said that its risky after 40 to have children and for me I am neither maternal nor domesticated. That's true.
She said a guide to know if I love someone is to ask this question, "If Z die tomorrow, would I mourn for him?". The first answer seems to be No. But I know I will miss him.
Her line of question is different from D's question, "Do u want to spend the rest of ur life with this man?".
Mmm, just got something to read, Ernest Holmes, The Science of Mind. I read it back in Aug 2007. I think right time for me to read. Amen. Cheers.
Father, spoke to P about Z. She seems confident that I am able to leave the rship once I have experienced it. She also said that she thinks I am not in love with Z and I am just doing this for experience sake.
The assessment is bit cold. While I do want Z, I am not sure if I love him.
We also spoke of children and she said that its risky after 40 to have children and for me I am neither maternal nor domesticated. That's true.
She said a guide to know if I love someone is to ask this question, "If Z die tomorrow, would I mourn for him?". The first answer seems to be No. But I know I will miss him.
Her line of question is different from D's question, "Do u want to spend the rest of ur life with this man?".
Mmm, just got something to read, Ernest Holmes, The Science of Mind. I read it back in Aug 2007. I think right time for me to read. Amen. Cheers.
Cosmic Lesson (59) - Transformation/Settlement of love
May 20 Eve
52 days card
The Basic Meaning of the Six of Diamonds
Whenever this powerful stabilizing influence is present in your cards you can bet there will be some sort of settling of accounts. Though this usually takes the form of financial debts being paid or repaid, it can manifest in payments of other forms of 'value'. The Six of Diamonds will also encourage you to make compromises where money is concerned and to take full responsibility for all your debts and actions that involve exchange of value.
Soul
I had a Seven of Spade in Ruling card. Looks like I owe him.
Today card.
The Basic Meaning of the Ace of Diamonds
The Ace of Diamonds means the desire for money or the birth of a new way of earning money. All Aces represent new beginnings, a desire for something that starts a new cycle of creating. Aces are the representatives of pure creative energy.
Diamonds represent our value systems, the things that we like or dislike, treasure or discard. So, the Ace of Diamonds means that we experience the birth of a new value or that we suddenly like or want something that we didn't before.
Soul
52 days is a settlement of value. I had made a promise to love him back in early Feb and now is payback time. It is true he doesn't love me, but I know this is my path
Today is a day I have a new value - seeing he doesn't love me nor want me as his lifetime partner and yet am fine. I no longer let my fear dictate me. What I want is to love and be loved. And he does like me now, just like I like him. And I am falling in love with him, whereas he is only mentally intrique by me and he is sexually infatuated with me.
He wants to know if I am able to control my feelings for him as he doesn't want me to be attached to him. I told him that I am handling it and that's why I need to set expiry date.
He finally knew I am on contraceptive pill and he seems so happy about it. He said "Bingo!" Actually he is contradictory. On one hand he doesn't want me to develop feelings for him and yet he seems so happy whenever he found evidence that I had feelings for him. And he would try to find evidence that I like him. By right he should be sad cos then he has to end it. That part, I cannot relate. Oh now I know, because he wanted a later rather than sooner expiry date, but he definitely want an expiry date.
(May 30 - Father, I used to think that he wanted to know how much I like him so he can end it. Now I am not so sure, perhaps he wanted to know how much I like him so he can deepen it.)
I checked out my Transformation card and it all point to go for it and the lesson is unconditional love.
52 days card
The Basic Meaning of the Six of Diamonds
Whenever this powerful stabilizing influence is present in your cards you can bet there will be some sort of settling of accounts. Though this usually takes the form of financial debts being paid or repaid, it can manifest in payments of other forms of 'value'. The Six of Diamonds will also encourage you to make compromises where money is concerned and to take full responsibility for all your debts and actions that involve exchange of value.
Soul
I had a Seven of Spade in Ruling card. Looks like I owe him.
Today card.
The Basic Meaning of the Ace of Diamonds
The Ace of Diamonds means the desire for money or the birth of a new way of earning money. All Aces represent new beginnings, a desire for something that starts a new cycle of creating. Aces are the representatives of pure creative energy.
Diamonds represent our value systems, the things that we like or dislike, treasure or discard. So, the Ace of Diamonds means that we experience the birth of a new value or that we suddenly like or want something that we didn't before.
Soul
52 days is a settlement of value. I had made a promise to love him back in early Feb and now is payback time. It is true he doesn't love me, but I know this is my path
Today is a day I have a new value - seeing he doesn't love me nor want me as his lifetime partner and yet am fine. I no longer let my fear dictate me. What I want is to love and be loved. And he does like me now, just like I like him. And I am falling in love with him, whereas he is only mentally intrique by me and he is sexually infatuated with me.
He wants to know if I am able to control my feelings for him as he doesn't want me to be attached to him. I told him that I am handling it and that's why I need to set expiry date.
He finally knew I am on contraceptive pill and he seems so happy about it. He said "Bingo!" Actually he is contradictory. On one hand he doesn't want me to develop feelings for him and yet he seems so happy whenever he found evidence that I had feelings for him. And he would try to find evidence that I like him. By right he should be sad cos then he has to end it. That part, I cannot relate. Oh now I know, because he wanted a later rather than sooner expiry date, but he definitely want an expiry date.
(May 30 - Father, I used to think that he wanted to know how much I like him so he can end it. Now I am not so sure, perhaps he wanted to know how much I like him so he can deepen it.)
I checked out my Transformation card and it all point to go for it and the lesson is unconditional love.
Cosmic Lesson (58) - Transformation
May 20
Father, this is what I see now
1. He wants me and I am his best sex partner to date. He never had so much pleasure and fun in sex. I am the first gal he has post mortum with. When I leave him, he would miss me for the pleasure I gave him.
2. He does not love me
3. He does not see me as his life partner.
4. He thinks I am here for short term and he predict our relationship would end by year end with me running away
5. He wants me to stay with him and want to prolong the rship until he is finally successful and can look for his life partner.
Me
1. I am falling in love with him
2. I do want him as my life partner
3. I want him now as he is my growth tool.
So, I will continue as this seems to be my path. Who knows, what will happen 6 months down the road. For this six month, I know he will stick with me.
I finally understand my this week Osho card. Even when I knew he doesn't love me nor see me as his potential life partner, I am still willing to open up. Amazingly, I got my first physical release and it was wonderful. I was connected to Source and exploded into joy and uncontrollable laughter. Thank God it was Z.
Sharing
As u move above to the heart center, ur whole life becomes a sharing of love
The Queen of Fire is so rich, so much a queen, that she can afford to give. She dispenses her treasures without limits, welcoming all and sundry to partake of the abundance, fertility and light that surrounds her.
When u draw this card, u too have an opportunity to share ur love, ur joy and ur laughter. And in sharing, u find that u feel even more full.
Everything around u seems to be "coming together" now. Enjoy it, ground urself in it, and let the abundance in u and around u overflow.
Soul
I finally concede that he only wanted me for short term. And he also think that I wanted him for short term.
I am surprised that I don't mind. Forget about future, I don't know. What I know is that we want each other now and we cannot let go of each other.
I am willing to face possible abandonment in future. And besides it may be me who abandons him and not the other way around. As he has 9 of Hearts in long range and I have a displacement of Three.
He is perfect as my first partner. When I reached my climax, I exploded into continuous laughter. This doesn't seem to be the normal mode and he said since he had been observing me laugh in meditation mode for the past 1 year since July (the first time he like me), he is fine with my laughter.
Father, this is what I see now
1. He wants me and I am his best sex partner to date. He never had so much pleasure and fun in sex. I am the first gal he has post mortum with. When I leave him, he would miss me for the pleasure I gave him.
2. He does not love me
3. He does not see me as his life partner.
4. He thinks I am here for short term and he predict our relationship would end by year end with me running away
5. He wants me to stay with him and want to prolong the rship until he is finally successful and can look for his life partner.
Me
1. I am falling in love with him
2. I do want him as my life partner
3. I want him now as he is my growth tool.
So, I will continue as this seems to be my path. Who knows, what will happen 6 months down the road. For this six month, I know he will stick with me.
I finally understand my this week Osho card. Even when I knew he doesn't love me nor see me as his potential life partner, I am still willing to open up. Amazingly, I got my first physical release and it was wonderful. I was connected to Source and exploded into joy and uncontrollable laughter. Thank God it was Z.
Sharing
As u move above to the heart center, ur whole life becomes a sharing of love
The Queen of Fire is so rich, so much a queen, that she can afford to give. She dispenses her treasures without limits, welcoming all and sundry to partake of the abundance, fertility and light that surrounds her.
When u draw this card, u too have an opportunity to share ur love, ur joy and ur laughter. And in sharing, u find that u feel even more full.
Everything around u seems to be "coming together" now. Enjoy it, ground urself in it, and let the abundance in u and around u overflow.
Soul
I finally concede that he only wanted me for short term. And he also think that I wanted him for short term.
I am surprised that I don't mind. Forget about future, I don't know. What I know is that we want each other now and we cannot let go of each other.
I am willing to face possible abandonment in future. And besides it may be me who abandons him and not the other way around. As he has 9 of Hearts in long range and I have a displacement of Three.
He is perfect as my first partner. When I reached my climax, I exploded into continuous laughter. This doesn't seem to be the normal mode and he said since he had been observing me laugh in meditation mode for the past 1 year since July (the first time he like me), he is fine with my laughter.
Cosmic Reward (50) - Alas, Expect a Miracle for us
May 19
Father, did my practice. Looks like I am still on track. Also, the lesser time is due to me not dozing off mid way. So, I am fine.
Today I will share with Z the excerpt of "No strings attached" and I also tell him that I finally realised he also like me too. Yea,
This morning I just told mom that I will sleep over at friend's place as she was about to leave the house. Yeap, m chicken but at least I am frontal.
Yesterday I was selecting a book to read. First tot was Expect a Miracle, a book on relationship. Then I dismissed it as I have read it about 2 to 3 months ago but later I took it as I too am expecting a miracle in my relationship with Z. I need not deny that having a partner is in my list of Top 5. And now I am definitely in the mode of Eat, Pray and Love.
Expect a Miracle (Kelly Preston)
Discovering the love within ourselves and connecting with someone else in a way that breaks through that which is familiar and ordinary is just a part of our life's purpose. You see, that's what a miracle is: a shift from dark to light, from lovelessness to abundant love - a transformation in every sense of the word.
Soul
Yeap, I am ready for the transformation.
I just text him to bring a shaver so my lips won't be bruised by his mustache when he kissed me. Previously I wouldn't tot of it. Anyway, it a need to have as I have a client appointment the following day.
Expect a miracle
Its about going deep within and finding out where u are holding urself back from love. Its about preparing urself to have the relationship that would fulfill ur highest potential.
Soul
I know I hold back from love out of fear of being abandoned, being hurt. And watching the heroin in "No strings attached" further confirms it. I also finally become aware how negative I can be in my perception in relationship. I always tot I cannot have and predict a worst case scenario and then went running. I have stopped running and now finally turning my perception around.
Expect a miracle
Magnetism is that which begins as a connectedness within oneself and then issues forth as a connectedness with other.
As we liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
When we can see the innocence and perfection in ourselves, we can recognise it in another.
Soul
I am definitely magnetic.
Expect a miracle
When all parts of the Trinity Self (Body, mind and Spirit) are operating at the highest level possible, we become powerful magnets for love. Only then do we naturally link up with the partner who can join us for the lessons and experiences we most need in order to further grow and evolve.
Soul
For me, all three are awakens and hence I met Z.
Expect a Miracle
Within us is our past, our present and predictably our future, so in order to shift the potential for our future, we need to thoroughly relax the body and release the trapped fear-based energy.
Unprocessed stress blocks us from opening up to higher levels of experience.
Soul
Motivation for yoga and now need to do more on 61 points relaxation.
No wonder, I can connect easily as almost all stress is gone.
Expect a Miracle
When u r totally comfortable with urself and the world, anything can happen!
Soul
I am comfortable and now everything is coming together. Amen.
Father, I am glad U guided me to this book again. I am now reading.
Father, did my practice. Looks like I am still on track. Also, the lesser time is due to me not dozing off mid way. So, I am fine.
Today I will share with Z the excerpt of "No strings attached" and I also tell him that I finally realised he also like me too. Yea,
This morning I just told mom that I will sleep over at friend's place as she was about to leave the house. Yeap, m chicken but at least I am frontal.
Yesterday I was selecting a book to read. First tot was Expect a Miracle, a book on relationship. Then I dismissed it as I have read it about 2 to 3 months ago but later I took it as I too am expecting a miracle in my relationship with Z. I need not deny that having a partner is in my list of Top 5. And now I am definitely in the mode of Eat, Pray and Love.
Expect a Miracle (Kelly Preston)
Discovering the love within ourselves and connecting with someone else in a way that breaks through that which is familiar and ordinary is just a part of our life's purpose. You see, that's what a miracle is: a shift from dark to light, from lovelessness to abundant love - a transformation in every sense of the word.
Soul
Yeap, I am ready for the transformation.
I just text him to bring a shaver so my lips won't be bruised by his mustache when he kissed me. Previously I wouldn't tot of it. Anyway, it a need to have as I have a client appointment the following day.
Expect a miracle
Its about going deep within and finding out where u are holding urself back from love. Its about preparing urself to have the relationship that would fulfill ur highest potential.
Soul
I know I hold back from love out of fear of being abandoned, being hurt. And watching the heroin in "No strings attached" further confirms it. I also finally become aware how negative I can be in my perception in relationship. I always tot I cannot have and predict a worst case scenario and then went running. I have stopped running and now finally turning my perception around.
Expect a miracle
Magnetism is that which begins as a connectedness within oneself and then issues forth as a connectedness with other.
As we liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
When we can see the innocence and perfection in ourselves, we can recognise it in another.
Soul
I am definitely magnetic.
Expect a miracle
When all parts of the Trinity Self (Body, mind and Spirit) are operating at the highest level possible, we become powerful magnets for love. Only then do we naturally link up with the partner who can join us for the lessons and experiences we most need in order to further grow and evolve.
Soul
For me, all three are awakens and hence I met Z.
Expect a Miracle
Within us is our past, our present and predictably our future, so in order to shift the potential for our future, we need to thoroughly relax the body and release the trapped fear-based energy.
Unprocessed stress blocks us from opening up to higher levels of experience.
Soul
Motivation for yoga and now need to do more on 61 points relaxation.
No wonder, I can connect easily as almost all stress is gone.
Expect a Miracle
When u r totally comfortable with urself and the world, anything can happen!
Soul
I am comfortable and now everything is coming together. Amen.
Father, I am glad U guided me to this book again. I am now reading.
Cosmic Reward (49) - Alas, Positive Thoughts on us
May 18
Father, all my drama. Was wondering how we are going to continue this week. Anyway, I just message him and we chat and confirm for tomorrow. I miss him. Yea, this is the second time I initiated.
Osho
1. Issue
Projection
The man and woman are facing each other, yet they are not able to see each other clearly. Ur mind is at the back of the whole thing and the mind is projector. But u always look at the other, because the other is the screen.
When u find a judgement arising about another, turn it around.
Soul
Yea. I keep on saying he doesn't give me the feeling that he want me. And here he is always asking how much I like him and that's mean I too doesn't give him the feeling too.
And for the first time, I can see both side. Like D said we r both trying to see who will commit first.
Anyway, I already arranged for this week date. Earlier tot I put on bit of weight and want to see him only next week but that would be like 3 weeks and I miss him. So, I just arranged and he too was game. And he actually gave me his weekend schedule too. Earlier I tot his weekend was off limit, but actually I wasn't keen on weekend cos it cross into my swimming and walking.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Sharing
As u move above to the heart center, ur whole life becomes a sharing of love
The Queen of Fire is so rich, so much a queen, that she can afford to give. She dispenses her treasures without limits, welcoming all and sundry to partake of the abundance, fertility and light that surrounds her.
When u draw this card, u too have an opportunity to share ur love, ur joy and ur laughter. And in sharing, u find that u feel even more full.
Everything around u seems to be "coming together" now. Enjoy it, ground urself in it, and let the abundance in u and around u overflow.
Soul
Finally I can say I am now on
Eat, Pray and Love.
I have done eating and praying and now is loving.
(May 30 - I exploded into joy when I am in my peak. I shared my joy with him. Thank God it was him, cos he understood my expression when I connect with the Source.)
3. External influence of which u r aware
Sorrow
The pain is not to make u miserable, the pain is to make u more aware! And when u r aware, misery disappear.
Times of great sorrow has potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen, we must go deep, to the roots of our pain and experience it as it is, without blame or self-pity.
Soul
I was on the mind these few days. And for the first time it turn around into positive tots. I have had so many negative tots that never materialise and seems outrageous that in the end, it has to go upward. I finally reach the depth of my negative tots. And I also learned that mom has never chosen to let me be taken care by neighbour. I was so cute and lovable that they wanted to take care of me.
Finally, I am up.
And coincidentally "No strings attached" also shows me where Z and I are in our rship.
(May 20 - when I draw this card, I couldn't relate as I was in the illusion that Z and I could be in a committed relationship. Then on May 19, Z told me that he predict that I will leave by year end and that he will move on and definitely proceed his plan of getting married and having children, my heart stops for a moment. I woke up.)
(May 30 - Father, when I am updating this, I had an alternative tot. He is moving on because he tot I would leave him. In his mind, I will exit first, he is not running. I am the one who is running)
4. What is needed for resolution
Turning in
When going stops, journeying disappears; when desiring is no more clouding ur mind, u r in.
Meditation is about distancing urself from ur mind as if it belongs to somebody else.
U r ready to take this distance now and to watch the show without getting caught up in the drama.
Soul
Yea. When the mind turns negative on Z and I, I will switch it to positive mode.
(May 30 - There is nothing to lose.)
5. Resolution
Creativity
If u have something growing out of it within u, if it gives u growth, it is spiritual, it is creative, it is divine.
Technique, expertise and knowledge are just tools; the key is to abandon oneself to the energy that fuels the birth of all things. The important thing is to be open to what wants to be expressed through u.
Soul
Father, I think I am in love with Z. I want to share my love and joy with him. I want to open up completely to him. We deserved to be happy.
May 18 Eve
Three of Hearts is ur Displacement in Ruling Card
The Three of Hearts often makes us very intellectual when it comes to matters of the heart. We tend to have our concerns rolling around and around in our head and attempt to apply all sorts of concepts to our situation when what we really need is to feel our feelings and trust our experiences. U may find that u r doing a lot of soul searching this year, a process of turning ur attention to find the real answer.
Soul
Very true.
Father, all my drama. Was wondering how we are going to continue this week. Anyway, I just message him and we chat and confirm for tomorrow. I miss him. Yea, this is the second time I initiated.
Osho
1. Issue
Projection
The man and woman are facing each other, yet they are not able to see each other clearly. Ur mind is at the back of the whole thing and the mind is projector. But u always look at the other, because the other is the screen.
When u find a judgement arising about another, turn it around.
Soul
Yea. I keep on saying he doesn't give me the feeling that he want me. And here he is always asking how much I like him and that's mean I too doesn't give him the feeling too.
And for the first time, I can see both side. Like D said we r both trying to see who will commit first.
Anyway, I already arranged for this week date. Earlier tot I put on bit of weight and want to see him only next week but that would be like 3 weeks and I miss him. So, I just arranged and he too was game. And he actually gave me his weekend schedule too. Earlier I tot his weekend was off limit, but actually I wasn't keen on weekend cos it cross into my swimming and walking.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Sharing
As u move above to the heart center, ur whole life becomes a sharing of love
The Queen of Fire is so rich, so much a queen, that she can afford to give. She dispenses her treasures without limits, welcoming all and sundry to partake of the abundance, fertility and light that surrounds her.
When u draw this card, u too have an opportunity to share ur love, ur joy and ur laughter. And in sharing, u find that u feel even more full.
Everything around u seems to be "coming together" now. Enjoy it, ground urself in it, and let the abundance in u and around u overflow.
Soul
Finally I can say I am now on
Eat, Pray and Love.
I have done eating and praying and now is loving.
(May 30 - I exploded into joy when I am in my peak. I shared my joy with him. Thank God it was him, cos he understood my expression when I connect with the Source.)
3. External influence of which u r aware
Sorrow
The pain is not to make u miserable, the pain is to make u more aware! And when u r aware, misery disappear.
Times of great sorrow has potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen, we must go deep, to the roots of our pain and experience it as it is, without blame or self-pity.
Soul
I was on the mind these few days. And for the first time it turn around into positive tots. I have had so many negative tots that never materialise and seems outrageous that in the end, it has to go upward. I finally reach the depth of my negative tots. And I also learned that mom has never chosen to let me be taken care by neighbour. I was so cute and lovable that they wanted to take care of me.
Finally, I am up.
And coincidentally "No strings attached" also shows me where Z and I are in our rship.
(May 20 - when I draw this card, I couldn't relate as I was in the illusion that Z and I could be in a committed relationship. Then on May 19, Z told me that he predict that I will leave by year end and that he will move on and definitely proceed his plan of getting married and having children, my heart stops for a moment. I woke up.)
(May 30 - Father, when I am updating this, I had an alternative tot. He is moving on because he tot I would leave him. In his mind, I will exit first, he is not running. I am the one who is running)
4. What is needed for resolution
Turning in
When going stops, journeying disappears; when desiring is no more clouding ur mind, u r in.
Meditation is about distancing urself from ur mind as if it belongs to somebody else.
U r ready to take this distance now and to watch the show without getting caught up in the drama.
Soul
Yea. When the mind turns negative on Z and I, I will switch it to positive mode.
(May 30 - There is nothing to lose.)
5. Resolution
Creativity
If u have something growing out of it within u, if it gives u growth, it is spiritual, it is creative, it is divine.
Technique, expertise and knowledge are just tools; the key is to abandon oneself to the energy that fuels the birth of all things. The important thing is to be open to what wants to be expressed through u.
Soul
Father, I think I am in love with Z. I want to share my love and joy with him. I want to open up completely to him. We deserved to be happy.
May 18 Eve
Three of Hearts is ur Displacement in Ruling Card
The Three of Hearts often makes us very intellectual when it comes to matters of the heart. We tend to have our concerns rolling around and around in our head and attempt to apply all sorts of concepts to our situation when what we really need is to feel our feelings and trust our experiences. U may find that u r doing a lot of soul searching this year, a process of turning ur attention to find the real answer.
Soul
Very true.
Cosmic Reward (48) - Alas, Positive Thoughts on us
May 17
Father, I am feeling unsure now. My mind is going back to the past. I am trying to get back to the present, our last conversation.
Frankly the one time I am sure he wanted me was when he got back from the trip. I know he is a good person and he cares for me but I tot he would do so for anyone too.
I always says he doesn't show he likes me. And here he is always asking how much I like him. So, he does know I like him but he doesn't know how much only. Whereas for me, I doesn't even know if he likes me the way I did.
When I managed to come back to the present, the mind starts to say that I don't want children and he wants them. So, why start something that is going to separate in the end. Why not end now? He has always been upfront about wanting marriage and children. For me, I was just non-commital.
Both feet are swelling. Looks like I cannot join tour. So, the mind says, that's why we should not have children. And Z is so energetic, he deserves someone healthy. Father, why my mind is pushing me away from Z. For the first time, I can see us turning into a rship but the mind is coming in. I wonder if Z feels that too. Net is that I don't feel secure, I don't know if I am loved by him.
Aiyoh, I used the word love, why?? I cannot be in love with him. How? Here I told him to end in June and here I am going in deeper. Father, let me go to my heart center.
Father, I read Osho card. For a moment, I tot instead of lamenting why I should not be with Z. Why don't I use my energy to create reasons of why Z and I be made for each other.
Z is definitely doing that. He said I am inward and he is outward and we complement each other. He is hard working and I am lazy bum and we complement each other. So, let's work on being together. We have a lot of things going on for us.
Yea, first time going positive instead of negative!
Today's card - Eight of Hearts
Suddenly tot of Z. His ex had flings when she travel overseas. So, while he seem non responsive when I text him once and now mail him (telling him he is in my mind), I am sure he is appreciative and will share in our post mortum. Father, I want to be like him, to have courage to ask questions so that I can clear my uncertainties. I myself would prescribe others to do it. Key word; why suffer in silence? Perhaps suffering was unnecessary. Pain in short term, suffering is long term. So, I will ask whenever I feel uncertain especially he has already said he is bad in expressing his feelings.
(Mar 28) - a good reminder.
Osho
When u laugh, u r closest to divine. Whenever u love, u r closest to the divine. Whenever u sing and dance and make music, that is what real religion is about
Love knows how to go into unknown. Love knows how to throw away all securities. Love know how to move into the unfamiliar and the unchartered. Love is courage. Trust love.
Soul
This is helpful.
Suddenly it occur to me. If in my negative mind I keep on thinking he doesn't want me becos of the children issue. I wonder if in his mind, he tot I don't want him becos of the children issue.
Mmm, isn't this the projection that is in my this week card. So, instead of hiding, why don't we share our view about children. And since he tot I don't want him permanently, he too cannot give himself to me. And here I tot he doesn't want me permanently I too cannot give myself to him. Aiyah, we r both fools. The children thingy is in future. For now, we wanted each other a lot and we r committed to each other.
Yeah, he did reply to my mail. He thanked me for the mail. I know he appreciate it that he was in my mind. And he also signs off as Robert De Niro, his nick name.
Yeah, he been wanting to have a nick name for us. Frankly m not keen but looks like he is serious. I wish he writes more and say how he feel. Alas he doesn't. But the fact he replied and say thank u, it means he wanted my mail.
Father, I must look at him from another angle and I must start to ask him questions instead of hiding myself in insecurities. Corner him like he always corner me. Ha ha.
Father, I am feeling unsure now. My mind is going back to the past. I am trying to get back to the present, our last conversation.
Frankly the one time I am sure he wanted me was when he got back from the trip. I know he is a good person and he cares for me but I tot he would do so for anyone too.
I always says he doesn't show he likes me. And here he is always asking how much I like him. So, he does know I like him but he doesn't know how much only. Whereas for me, I doesn't even know if he likes me the way I did.
When I managed to come back to the present, the mind starts to say that I don't want children and he wants them. So, why start something that is going to separate in the end. Why not end now? He has always been upfront about wanting marriage and children. For me, I was just non-commital.
Both feet are swelling. Looks like I cannot join tour. So, the mind says, that's why we should not have children. And Z is so energetic, he deserves someone healthy. Father, why my mind is pushing me away from Z. For the first time, I can see us turning into a rship but the mind is coming in. I wonder if Z feels that too. Net is that I don't feel secure, I don't know if I am loved by him.
Aiyoh, I used the word love, why?? I cannot be in love with him. How? Here I told him to end in June and here I am going in deeper. Father, let me go to my heart center.
Father, I read Osho card. For a moment, I tot instead of lamenting why I should not be with Z. Why don't I use my energy to create reasons of why Z and I be made for each other.
Z is definitely doing that. He said I am inward and he is outward and we complement each other. He is hard working and I am lazy bum and we complement each other. So, let's work on being together. We have a lot of things going on for us.
Yea, first time going positive instead of negative!
Today's card - Eight of Hearts
Suddenly tot of Z. His ex had flings when she travel overseas. So, while he seem non responsive when I text him once and now mail him (telling him he is in my mind), I am sure he is appreciative and will share in our post mortum. Father, I want to be like him, to have courage to ask questions so that I can clear my uncertainties. I myself would prescribe others to do it. Key word; why suffer in silence? Perhaps suffering was unnecessary. Pain in short term, suffering is long term. So, I will ask whenever I feel uncertain especially he has already said he is bad in expressing his feelings.
(Mar 28) - a good reminder.
Osho
When u laugh, u r closest to divine. Whenever u love, u r closest to the divine. Whenever u sing and dance and make music, that is what real religion is about
Love knows how to go into unknown. Love knows how to throw away all securities. Love know how to move into the unfamiliar and the unchartered. Love is courage. Trust love.
Soul
This is helpful.
Suddenly it occur to me. If in my negative mind I keep on thinking he doesn't want me becos of the children issue. I wonder if in his mind, he tot I don't want him becos of the children issue.
Mmm, isn't this the projection that is in my this week card. So, instead of hiding, why don't we share our view about children. And since he tot I don't want him permanently, he too cannot give himself to me. And here I tot he doesn't want me permanently I too cannot give myself to him. Aiyah, we r both fools. The children thingy is in future. For now, we wanted each other a lot and we r committed to each other.
Yeah, he did reply to my mail. He thanked me for the mail. I know he appreciate it that he was in my mind. And he also signs off as Robert De Niro, his nick name.
Yeah, he been wanting to have a nick name for us. Frankly m not keen but looks like he is serious. I wish he writes more and say how he feel. Alas he doesn't. But the fact he replied and say thank u, it means he wanted my mail.
Father, I must look at him from another angle and I must start to ask him questions instead of hiding myself in insecurities. Corner him like he always corner me. Ha ha.
Some people has complex taste buds
May 15
Woke up but didn't want to do the practices. Its Sunday and the carpet floor looks dirty. The bed was good. I had a better rest vs the other expensive hotel.
Evening
Used the airport bus. Their bus is called limousine. It is very comfortable. I got safely at the hotel as it stop right in front of the hotel.
And I took a short taxi ride to the shopping place. Bought another 2 blouse and finally found my cardigan and bought 2 pieces, different colour.
Father, the Koreans has very complex taste bud. They put everything together and they can take so much spice. And they love it hot. I wonder how their system took it but then maybe its because of their cold weather. I am not sure.
For me, I love my food simple as I want to taste it as it is without any smothering sauce. No wonder I don't like tomato based spaghetti as it cover the taste.
This country has now so much on the outward sensation. I wonder how they will progress.
Woke up but didn't want to do the practices. Its Sunday and the carpet floor looks dirty. The bed was good. I had a better rest vs the other expensive hotel.
Evening
Used the airport bus. Their bus is called limousine. It is very comfortable. I got safely at the hotel as it stop right in front of the hotel.
And I took a short taxi ride to the shopping place. Bought another 2 blouse and finally found my cardigan and bought 2 pieces, different colour.
Father, the Koreans has very complex taste bud. They put everything together and they can take so much spice. And they love it hot. I wonder how their system took it but then maybe its because of their cold weather. I am not sure.
For me, I love my food simple as I want to taste it as it is without any smothering sauce. No wonder I don't like tomato based spaghetti as it cover the taste.
This country has now so much on the outward sensation. I wonder how they will progress.
Cosmic Reward (47) - Beginning to appreciate Z
May 14 Aft
Osho
Camel lives in the past (pre-self);
Lion lives in the future (self); and
Child lives in the present, here-now (post-self).
Soul
Father, I finally realised that his insistence that I like him is because he wants the answer to be so. And he wants me to like him because he likes me too.
Father, while it was overdose yesterday on black pork, I really enjoy it. Today, no good food. So, luckily I had a feast yesterday. Tomorrow will also be the same and I had Monday to look forward to.
Osho
The camel has memory, the lion has knowledgeability and the child has wisdom.
Soul
Just now I did shoonya and I went in deep, about 20 min. It was good rest for me. Tot of me and Z. I am not sure how I could have done it for him, actually giving him service. Of course, he asked for it openly and he was just being himself. But me, I am surprised. These days, my No and yes is not as definite as before.
Osho
Two persons can be very loving together. The more loving they are, the less is the possibility of any relationship. The more loving they are, the more freedom exist between them. The more loving they are, the less is the possibility of any demand, any domination, any expectation. And naturally, there is no question of any frustration.
Soul
Z and I are definitely not there. There is still a power struggle. But I am more willing to concede to him now. Firstly because I know this relationship transform me and secondly I now know that he likes me as much as I likes him. I still don't know the future but I know we have been progressing and our relationship has deepen.
Osho
Love is authentic only when it gives freedom.
Love is true only when it does not interfere in the privacy of the other person. It respects its individuality, his privacy.
Soul
Not sure about that per se. I valued my individuality and accept his. But I want to share who we are, so we can truly accept each other.
Suddenly a tot occur to watch the movie, "No strings attached". The lady in the show doesn't allow for hugging or sleeping together as theirs is a pure physical rship. Infact the first time they sleep hugging each other, it was considered a breach. For me and Z, the part we like best is the after. cuddling. As for sleeping together with hugging, Z was the one who initiated and insisted that we do so. So since day one he was already ensuring we got attached.
Osho
Camel lives in the past (pre-self);
Lion lives in the future (self); and
Child lives in the present, here-now (post-self).
Soul
Father, I finally realised that his insistence that I like him is because he wants the answer to be so. And he wants me to like him because he likes me too.
Father, while it was overdose yesterday on black pork, I really enjoy it. Today, no good food. So, luckily I had a feast yesterday. Tomorrow will also be the same and I had Monday to look forward to.
Osho
The camel has memory, the lion has knowledgeability and the child has wisdom.
Soul
Just now I did shoonya and I went in deep, about 20 min. It was good rest for me. Tot of me and Z. I am not sure how I could have done it for him, actually giving him service. Of course, he asked for it openly and he was just being himself. But me, I am surprised. These days, my No and yes is not as definite as before.
Osho
Two persons can be very loving together. The more loving they are, the less is the possibility of any relationship. The more loving they are, the more freedom exist between them. The more loving they are, the less is the possibility of any demand, any domination, any expectation. And naturally, there is no question of any frustration.
Soul
Z and I are definitely not there. There is still a power struggle. But I am more willing to concede to him now. Firstly because I know this relationship transform me and secondly I now know that he likes me as much as I likes him. I still don't know the future but I know we have been progressing and our relationship has deepen.
Osho
Love is authentic only when it gives freedom.
Love is true only when it does not interfere in the privacy of the other person. It respects its individuality, his privacy.
Soul
Not sure about that per se. I valued my individuality and accept his. But I want to share who we are, so we can truly accept each other.
Suddenly a tot occur to watch the movie, "No strings attached". The lady in the show doesn't allow for hugging or sleeping together as theirs is a pure physical rship. Infact the first time they sleep hugging each other, it was considered a breach. For me and Z, the part we like best is the after. cuddling. As for sleeping together with hugging, Z was the one who initiated and insisted that we do so. So since day one he was already ensuring we got attached.
When the fear of camel is gone, the lion stops roaring
May 14
Osho
Unless a man becomes utterly innocent, free from past, so free that he is not even against the past ... Remember it, the person who is still against the past is not really free. He still has some grudges, complaints, some wounds. The camel still haunts him; the shadow of camel still follows. The lion is there but still afraid somehow of the camel, fearful that it may come back.
When the fear of the camel is completely gone, the roaring of the lion stops. Then the song of the child is born.
Each individual has to come to a very crystallised ego; only then is the dropping of any help, otherwise it does not.
Camel - dependence
Lion - independence
Child - interdependence
When u r the Child, no I, no thou, no fixation with yes or no, no obsession either to say yes always or to say no always; more fluidity, more spontaneity; neither obedience nor disobedience, but spontaneity. Responsibility is born. One responds to existence, does not react out of the past, and does not react of the future.
Osho
Unless a man becomes utterly innocent, free from past, so free that he is not even against the past ... Remember it, the person who is still against the past is not really free. He still has some grudges, complaints, some wounds. The camel still haunts him; the shadow of camel still follows. The lion is there but still afraid somehow of the camel, fearful that it may come back.
When the fear of the camel is completely gone, the roaring of the lion stops. Then the song of the child is born.
Each individual has to come to a very crystallised ego; only then is the dropping of any help, otherwise it does not.
Camel - dependence
Lion - independence
Child - interdependence
When u r the Child, no I, no thou, no fixation with yes or no, no obsession either to say yes always or to say no always; more fluidity, more spontaneity; neither obedience nor disobedience, but spontaneity. Responsibility is born. One responds to existence, does not react out of the past, and does not react of the future.
Friday, May 27, 2011
I am freed from my past (3)
May 13 Aft
Now in overseas waiting for a domestic flight. The mind is telling me I put on weight and Z doesn't find me attractive. Anyway, I ignored it as Z also put on weight and I still like him. Besides, I have looked fat on picture anyway. Went into toilet and saw my face complexion is smooth and my face is just nice fill up. Perhaps the others their face is on the flat side and camera brings out the flesh. Father, the mind keeps sending reminders that I was not lovable.
Evening
Arrived at the island and its now 9 am and I am looking for food. Went to a few restaurant, all selling spicy food. Alas I found one that serves black pork. Yeah yeah.
My experience of travelling alone to India has braven me up. I am fine despite being alone in a place where they don't speak english.
Father, the last 3 days I had an overdose of meat.
Now in overseas waiting for a domestic flight. The mind is telling me I put on weight and Z doesn't find me attractive. Anyway, I ignored it as Z also put on weight and I still like him. Besides, I have looked fat on picture anyway. Went into toilet and saw my face complexion is smooth and my face is just nice fill up. Perhaps the others their face is on the flat side and camera brings out the flesh. Father, the mind keeps sending reminders that I was not lovable.
Evening
Arrived at the island and its now 9 am and I am looking for food. Went to a few restaurant, all selling spicy food. Alas I found one that serves black pork. Yeah yeah.
My experience of travelling alone to India has braven me up. I am fine despite being alone in a place where they don't speak english.
Father, the last 3 days I had an overdose of meat.
Cosmic Reward (46) - Past doesn't run me anymore
May 13
Father, today I finished meditation in record time 2 hours and 10 min compared to normal 2 hours 45 min. I cut short on relaxation mode and breathing meditation. Also today I was slightly faster in Suria.
I am now have 1.5 hour of leisure breakfast, loveliest time of the day. Among all the food I have eaten, the breakfast was the best. But I like the pork though.
Actually both of us are thinkers. I am normally mature and don't pout. And I can only pout with someone I have feelings for and I expect them to pamper me. I can pout with Z and demand his attention. I realised he does pout with me and also demand my attention.
Missed him and tot of sending him a text. Then I hesitate cos don't know if he would reply and then I be affected. Later I tot of him needing assurance from me. His ex had fling when she travel and I know I will be travelling more this year. So, in the end I text him so he will be fine.
Father, the past is gone. I am not going to let the abandonment issue to dictate my life, to prevent me from playing. So, I may get hurt but I will be alive.
I just have to remember to give him assurances instead of forcing him to seek it everytime. Let me learn to give freely. Not keep my love just because I am not sure of the outcome.
Osho
Truth is realised through three states; assimilation, independence and creativity.and they are very seminal.
1. Assimilation (the camel)
- that's the function of the larva, it simply assimilates food; it is getting ready to become a caterpillar. It is arranging; it is a reservoir. When the energy is ready, it will become a caterpillar. Before the movement, u will need great energy to move.
The caterpillar is the assimilation, complete, the work done.
2. Independence (the lion)
The larva is dropped. Now there is no need to stay in one place. The time has come to explore, the time has come for the adventure.
The caterpillar has broken the chains, starts moving.
3. Creativity (Child)
But being independent itself does not mean much. Just by being independent u will not be fulfilled. Independence for what? Freedom for what?
Freedom comes in 2 aspects. Firstly freedom from; secondly freedom for ...
U need to know freedom to create, freedom to be, freedom to express, to sing ur dance, sing ur song.
Then u become alive, living at the maximum. They burn their torch at both ends. They live in intensity, in totality.
Soul
Well, I am now facing my ultimate fear and it was not as great as my mind made it out to be. The fear is still there but I have the courage to proceed despite the fear and U will always send me guidance along the way.
Osho
Assimilation
If u assimilate the past, u r free from the past. U can use it but it cannot use u. You possess it, but it does not possess u.
The past has to be digested. Nothing wrong with the past. It is ur past.
Soul
Yeap, he didn't reply. He should be busy. And I now know that even if he doesn't reply he will keep in his mind and it will gave him reassurance.
Just when I was typing this he responded.
Father, today I finished meditation in record time 2 hours and 10 min compared to normal 2 hours 45 min. I cut short on relaxation mode and breathing meditation. Also today I was slightly faster in Suria.
I am now have 1.5 hour of leisure breakfast, loveliest time of the day. Among all the food I have eaten, the breakfast was the best. But I like the pork though.
Actually both of us are thinkers. I am normally mature and don't pout. And I can only pout with someone I have feelings for and I expect them to pamper me. I can pout with Z and demand his attention. I realised he does pout with me and also demand my attention.
Missed him and tot of sending him a text. Then I hesitate cos don't know if he would reply and then I be affected. Later I tot of him needing assurance from me. His ex had fling when she travel and I know I will be travelling more this year. So, in the end I text him so he will be fine.
Father, the past is gone. I am not going to let the abandonment issue to dictate my life, to prevent me from playing. So, I may get hurt but I will be alive.
I just have to remember to give him assurances instead of forcing him to seek it everytime. Let me learn to give freely. Not keep my love just because I am not sure of the outcome.
Osho
Truth is realised through three states; assimilation, independence and creativity.and they are very seminal.
1. Assimilation (the camel)
- that's the function of the larva, it simply assimilates food; it is getting ready to become a caterpillar. It is arranging; it is a reservoir. When the energy is ready, it will become a caterpillar. Before the movement, u will need great energy to move.
The caterpillar is the assimilation, complete, the work done.
2. Independence (the lion)
The larva is dropped. Now there is no need to stay in one place. The time has come to explore, the time has come for the adventure.
The caterpillar has broken the chains, starts moving.
3. Creativity (Child)
But being independent itself does not mean much. Just by being independent u will not be fulfilled. Independence for what? Freedom for what?
Freedom comes in 2 aspects. Firstly freedom from; secondly freedom for ...
U need to know freedom to create, freedom to be, freedom to express, to sing ur dance, sing ur song.
Then u become alive, living at the maximum. They burn their torch at both ends. They live in intensity, in totality.
Soul
Well, I am now facing my ultimate fear and it was not as great as my mind made it out to be. The fear is still there but I have the courage to proceed despite the fear and U will always send me guidance along the way.
Osho
Assimilation
If u assimilate the past, u r free from the past. U can use it but it cannot use u. You possess it, but it does not possess u.
The past has to be digested. Nothing wrong with the past. It is ur past.
Soul
Yeap, he didn't reply. He should be busy. And I now know that even if he doesn't reply he will keep in his mind and it will gave him reassurance.
Just when I was typing this he responded.
Cosmic Reward (45) - Z and I opening up to each other
May 12
Father, I miss him. I remember especially the time he rushed back from outstation to be with me. When he kissed me to wake me up.
Going back to his questions on why I like him, how much I like him, what made me choose him. He has the courage to ask me those questions. He wanted to hear outright what's my answers will be.
He said he want to ask cos he already knows how he feel but he doesn't know how I feel and he has to drag the answers out of me.
For me, the truth is I didn't ask because I don't dare to know the answer and because I don't want to give him answer either.
Now I know why he cannot take it if I ignored him. He will sit next to me. Father, nowadays I am comfortable with him and I acknowledge him as being a close friend. And I realised the more I acknowledged him the more he opens up. And when I gave him the hug, he even call me up. Later when I called him at the airport he asked me more questions. For the first time I realised he asked me because he wants to know where he stands with me.
And if I too feel the same way. Just like when I snuggle on top of him and I told him I like it. He asked if I like it a little or a lot. I replied a lot and he responded he also like me snuggle to him a lot. Father, I recalled he wouldn't let me go on our second date. He wanted me to continue to snuggle to him eventhough its after 1.30 am and by the time he let go of me, it was nearly to 2 am. So, we snuggled close to 1 hour.
Father, I was so negative previously that I tot he was querying to gauge how I am feeling so he could control my feelings for him.
Now I can finally see and I opened up to him. And in turn he too open up. Thanks to D and the movie, "No string attached", I finally turned my negativity around
Father, I miss him. I remember especially the time he rushed back from outstation to be with me. When he kissed me to wake me up.
Going back to his questions on why I like him, how much I like him, what made me choose him. He has the courage to ask me those questions. He wanted to hear outright what's my answers will be.
He said he want to ask cos he already knows how he feel but he doesn't know how I feel and he has to drag the answers out of me.
For me, the truth is I didn't ask because I don't dare to know the answer and because I don't want to give him answer either.
Now I know why he cannot take it if I ignored him. He will sit next to me. Father, nowadays I am comfortable with him and I acknowledge him as being a close friend. And I realised the more I acknowledged him the more he opens up. And when I gave him the hug, he even call me up. Later when I called him at the airport he asked me more questions. For the first time I realised he asked me because he wants to know where he stands with me.
And if I too feel the same way. Just like when I snuggle on top of him and I told him I like it. He asked if I like it a little or a lot. I replied a lot and he responded he also like me snuggle to him a lot. Father, I recalled he wouldn't let me go on our second date. He wanted me to continue to snuggle to him eventhough its after 1.30 am and by the time he let go of me, it was nearly to 2 am. So, we snuggled close to 1 hour.
Father, I was so negative previously that I tot he was querying to gauge how I am feeling so he could control my feelings for him.
Now I can finally see and I opened up to him. And in turn he too open up. Thanks to D and the movie, "No string attached", I finally turned my negativity around
When ego is no more, the world become a joy
May 11 Aft
Sadhguru
1. Mad
2. Blissful
3. In love
When u r in one of the above, u can act intensely as if ur life depends on it. But u don't care about its outcome.
U need a desire but u can act so u can grow. Without desire, there is no growth
To have a deep sense of involvement and yet it doesn't mean a thing to u.
Worry of involvement because u are afraid of entanglement. When there is no fear of entanglement, u get totally involved with whomever infront of u. The moment u do it with some purpose behind u, u have a vested interest and there is no spirituality in u.
When u r involved, u work to get the results u wanted. But it doesn't matter to u personally whether it pass or fail.
Once u r boundless happen, u will be U. When ur personality doesn't exist. Suddenly the world becomes a joy. This is the joy of being uncreated, u becomes just like a wave in the ocean.
Soul
With Isha, I do what's is necessary but I am not bothered about it.
If it does not happen, I am fine as it gives me free time.
Sadhguru
1. Mad
2. Blissful
3. In love
When u r in one of the above, u can act intensely as if ur life depends on it. But u don't care about its outcome.
U need a desire but u can act so u can grow. Without desire, there is no growth
To have a deep sense of involvement and yet it doesn't mean a thing to u.
Worry of involvement because u are afraid of entanglement. When there is no fear of entanglement, u get totally involved with whomever infront of u. The moment u do it with some purpose behind u, u have a vested interest and there is no spirituality in u.
When u r involved, u work to get the results u wanted. But it doesn't matter to u personally whether it pass or fail.
Once u r boundless happen, u will be U. When ur personality doesn't exist. Suddenly the world becomes a joy. This is the joy of being uncreated, u becomes just like a wave in the ocean.
Soul
With Isha, I do what's is necessary but I am not bothered about it.
If it does not happen, I am fine as it gives me free time.
Cosmic Reward (44) - Z and I opening up to each other
May 11
Father, just arrived in Seoul and I tot this is like a drive in Shanghai, albeit hills. It doesn't makes a difference where I am.
Just now when I was in the plane, I watched the movie, "No string attached". They started based on sex only and when they finally slept together, spoon, it means their emotion is in.
Me and Z, since day one, sex is just a small part as we enjoy sharing our tots and work. And since day one, we love to snuggle up to each other. And until now that's still our favourite moments. Just sleeping together, snuggling close, comforted by each other warmth.
Yea, D is right. We are already emotionally involved since day one.
Yesterday, when I called Z, he picked up the phone and first thing he said was that he will miss me, but of course, he pulled it back. I told him I missed him today too.
Later Z said he need to asked some QC questions only, he is not actually proceeding with it. He asked how would I feel if he went out with another gal. I hesitated and ponder between my pride or the truth. Finally I decided to be truthful. I told him I wouldn't like it and he prod further. I decided to be upfront and told him that I be jealous. He liked my answer.
He told me about an invite he had from his Korea's acquaintance, a lady. I told him to reply that he is sending a Representative, me. He laughed and told me that we will go together in future.
He also told me he has never had post mortum with any of his ex-gals. I am the first.
Of course, he even said that I am now monitoring him. I said he is also doing the same thing. He said nope, he was only seeing me, to ensure I know what to do as I can be blur. I said that's so like him, arrogant. When I am observing him, is monitoring and when he observes me, is seeing. His view is lopsided, always trying to pinpoint that I liked him more than he liked me.
Anyway, we have entered into a second part of our rship. Thanks for sending D and thanks for letting me watch the movie. Things are now clear and I know he does like me. He said knows his feelings for me but doesn't know mine and hence continuously asking me. He said he has to "corner" me before I gave him the answer.
I told him that he always asked me loads of questions on how I feel about him, whereas I never asked.
Actually I don't dare to ask as I am afraid to face the answer. Whereas Z will be frontal.
He said he already knows his feelings and where he wants to go, so he need only to check mine. Whereas I don't know my feelings and don't know where I am goin.
Father, just arrived in Seoul and I tot this is like a drive in Shanghai, albeit hills. It doesn't makes a difference where I am.
Just now when I was in the plane, I watched the movie, "No string attached". They started based on sex only and when they finally slept together, spoon, it means their emotion is in.
Me and Z, since day one, sex is just a small part as we enjoy sharing our tots and work. And since day one, we love to snuggle up to each other. And until now that's still our favourite moments. Just sleeping together, snuggling close, comforted by each other warmth.
Yea, D is right. We are already emotionally involved since day one.
Yesterday, when I called Z, he picked up the phone and first thing he said was that he will miss me, but of course, he pulled it back. I told him I missed him today too.
Later Z said he need to asked some QC questions only, he is not actually proceeding with it. He asked how would I feel if he went out with another gal. I hesitated and ponder between my pride or the truth. Finally I decided to be truthful. I told him I wouldn't like it and he prod further. I decided to be upfront and told him that I be jealous. He liked my answer.
He told me about an invite he had from his Korea's acquaintance, a lady. I told him to reply that he is sending a Representative, me. He laughed and told me that we will go together in future.
He also told me he has never had post mortum with any of his ex-gals. I am the first.
Of course, he even said that I am now monitoring him. I said he is also doing the same thing. He said nope, he was only seeing me, to ensure I know what to do as I can be blur. I said that's so like him, arrogant. When I am observing him, is monitoring and when he observes me, is seeing. His view is lopsided, always trying to pinpoint that I liked him more than he liked me.
Anyway, we have entered into a second part of our rship. Thanks for sending D and thanks for letting me watch the movie. Things are now clear and I know he does like me. He said knows his feelings for me but doesn't know mine and hence continuously asking me. He said he has to "corner" me before I gave him the answer.
I told him that he always asked me loads of questions on how I feel about him, whereas I never asked.
Actually I don't dare to ask as I am afraid to face the answer. Whereas Z will be frontal.
He said he already knows his feelings and where he wants to go, so he need only to check mine. Whereas I don't know my feelings and don't know where I am goin.
Cosmic Reward - enjoy the present, forget about what I know
May 10
Father, yea, I am feeling lethargic. Felt sleepy. Had tots of Z and I project that he will be noncommittal when I declare that I have feelings for him.
Wait, do I love him?
Mmm, a tot occurred to me late yesterday evening. INTP tend not to be expressive and doesn't give feedback to their partner. My remedy was to be expressive on my feelings.
It could be true cos otherwise why does Z need to ask me what I feel about, how much I tot of him and etc every time we met.
Actually I tot I was obvious in my feeling, looks like I am not. Or perhaps he was comparing me to those feelers that he dates. Those that are crazy about him, pamper him, gave each other pet name, name him special on their mobile. Well, I don't do all that.
Actually for me, he is in my heart, my mind. He affects my mood.
1. Issue
Clinging to the Past
Past, present and future are not the tenses of time, they are tenses of the mind.
Don't cling. Clinging simply create misery. You will have to let go.
Soul
Perhaps I should forget about Z's reiteration that I am not important to him. I know I am important now. Also to forget that Z is unchangeable, forget about Z"s plan of having babies. Forget about my unlovability.
Just focus on now, Z and I have something good going on. Just gave my commitment to grow it. Whatever will be will be.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Laziness
When u r lazy, u have no energy, simply feel dull, sleepy.
What u have now is not ur final destination. The journey isn't over yet, as that white bird flying into the vastness of the sky is trying to show. Ur complacency might have arisen from a real sense of achievement, but now its time to move on.
Soul
Yea, last week I tot I already achieved so much with Z and I don't have to continue. Of course, emotion comes. Looks like I still have not take the plunge. I have to go all the way with Z, not only physically but emotionally.
Also, my writings. I tot it end here. Anyway, I opened up yday and gave my site to regional boss. So, will see.
3. External Influence of which u r aware
The Fool
A fool is one who goes on trusting, he goes on trusting against all his experience.
Don't try to create a wall of knowledge around u. Whatsoever experience comes to u, let it happen and then go on dropping it. Go on cleansing ur mind continuously, go on dying to the past so u remain in the present, herenow, as if just born, just a babe.
And each time u don't allow situations to corrupt u, that opportunity will become an integration inside. Ur soul will become more crystalised.
If u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of the rightness, u cannot go wrong. Ur actions may appear 'foolish' to others, or even to urself, if u try to analyse them with rational mind.
But the zero place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience. At this moment, the Fool has the support of the universe to make this jump into the unknown.
Soul
Yea. I will jump.
4. What is needed for resolution
Slowing down
Do whatsoever u r doing, but at the deepest core remain at ease, cool, calm and centred.
We carry our home with us. There is no need to seek shelter elsewhere. Even as we move into the depths of emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachment.
Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.
Soul
Yea. My meditation has led me this far and I am healed. I am ready to take the plunge with Z, regardless of the outcome. In then, I have my own home within me.
5. Resolution
Guilt
When the achieving mind arises, u lose contact with the paradise u r in.
Soul
Yea, just focus on the Now.
Such irony. Everytime I decided on going off, I fall in deeper. The first time was trip to S'pore and I decided not to commence after our second date. But with Sadhguru's msg, I took the plunge and we started. Now I decided not to go in deeper and her I am taking the plunge. My rship with him is like with Isha. Loads of resistance, but once decision is made, I will take the plunge.
May 10 Eve
What a coincidence. Today I really missed Z. Tot of calling him when I am at the airport tonight.
I had late lunch and then got down to go to the bank. And he was there infront of the lobby. What a coincidence. He told me he was waiting and was pondering to call me. Mmm, I am not sure about that.
Anyway, I came down and saw him and he was engaged on the line. I wanted to walk off so he stop his phone. For the first time, I hug him in public and we chatted a few moments as I wanted to rush to bank and he has his partner waiting for him.
Surprisingly he called me later to ask if I am fine. He said I don't look fresh. True, I was feeling flustered and has some heat rashes. We chatted for a bit and we agreed to chat further tonight
Father, yea, I am feeling lethargic. Felt sleepy. Had tots of Z and I project that he will be noncommittal when I declare that I have feelings for him.
Wait, do I love him?
Mmm, a tot occurred to me late yesterday evening. INTP tend not to be expressive and doesn't give feedback to their partner. My remedy was to be expressive on my feelings.
It could be true cos otherwise why does Z need to ask me what I feel about, how much I tot of him and etc every time we met.
Actually I tot I was obvious in my feeling, looks like I am not. Or perhaps he was comparing me to those feelers that he dates. Those that are crazy about him, pamper him, gave each other pet name, name him special on their mobile. Well, I don't do all that.
Actually for me, he is in my heart, my mind. He affects my mood.
1. Issue
Clinging to the Past
Past, present and future are not the tenses of time, they are tenses of the mind.
Don't cling. Clinging simply create misery. You will have to let go.
Soul
Perhaps I should forget about Z's reiteration that I am not important to him. I know I am important now. Also to forget that Z is unchangeable, forget about Z"s plan of having babies. Forget about my unlovability.
Just focus on now, Z and I have something good going on. Just gave my commitment to grow it. Whatever will be will be.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Laziness
When u r lazy, u have no energy, simply feel dull, sleepy.
What u have now is not ur final destination. The journey isn't over yet, as that white bird flying into the vastness of the sky is trying to show. Ur complacency might have arisen from a real sense of achievement, but now its time to move on.
Soul
Yea, last week I tot I already achieved so much with Z and I don't have to continue. Of course, emotion comes. Looks like I still have not take the plunge. I have to go all the way with Z, not only physically but emotionally.
Also, my writings. I tot it end here. Anyway, I opened up yday and gave my site to regional boss. So, will see.
3. External Influence of which u r aware
The Fool
A fool is one who goes on trusting, he goes on trusting against all his experience.
Don't try to create a wall of knowledge around u. Whatsoever experience comes to u, let it happen and then go on dropping it. Go on cleansing ur mind continuously, go on dying to the past so u remain in the present, herenow, as if just born, just a babe.
And each time u don't allow situations to corrupt u, that opportunity will become an integration inside. Ur soul will become more crystalised.
If u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of the rightness, u cannot go wrong. Ur actions may appear 'foolish' to others, or even to urself, if u try to analyse them with rational mind.
But the zero place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience. At this moment, the Fool has the support of the universe to make this jump into the unknown.
Soul
Yea. I will jump.
4. What is needed for resolution
Slowing down
Do whatsoever u r doing, but at the deepest core remain at ease, cool, calm and centred.
We carry our home with us. There is no need to seek shelter elsewhere. Even as we move into the depths of emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachment.
Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.
Soul
Yea. My meditation has led me this far and I am healed. I am ready to take the plunge with Z, regardless of the outcome. In then, I have my own home within me.
5. Resolution
Guilt
When the achieving mind arises, u lose contact with the paradise u r in.
Soul
Yea, just focus on the Now.
Such irony. Everytime I decided on going off, I fall in deeper. The first time was trip to S'pore and I decided not to commence after our second date. But with Sadhguru's msg, I took the plunge and we started. Now I decided not to go in deeper and her I am taking the plunge. My rship with him is like with Isha. Loads of resistance, but once decision is made, I will take the plunge.
May 10 Eve
What a coincidence. Today I really missed Z. Tot of calling him when I am at the airport tonight.
I had late lunch and then got down to go to the bank. And he was there infront of the lobby. What a coincidence. He told me he was waiting and was pondering to call me. Mmm, I am not sure about that.
Anyway, I came down and saw him and he was engaged on the line. I wanted to walk off so he stop his phone. For the first time, I hug him in public and we chatted a few moments as I wanted to rush to bank and he has his partner waiting for him.
Surprisingly he called me later to ask if I am fine. He said I don't look fresh. True, I was feeling flustered and has some heat rashes. We chatted for a bit and we agreed to chat further tonight
Cosmic Lesson (57) - Ready to complete the course
May 9 Aft
Father, D said I have already invested the emotion in Z.
I told D that he is always asking me why I am attracted to him, why I stayed with him. He also like it whenever I said I prefer his approach.
Father, actually the other day when I gave him the service, I already know I am in. If I am not in, I would have ignored his request. And I think he made the request to show to himself how much I want him.
And he asked me to join him on the trip. When I said nope, he didn't like it. I too ponder about joining him cos I want to spend time with him. Looks like I have invested my emotion.
I told D that he said "let's get married", "do u want to marry me?". I ignored his question and didn't reply him. He persisted and I said since he is joking only I don't have to reply. D said that's his way of testing me. He wants to marry me but put in a joking manner.
Is he the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with?
May 9 Eve
I shared with D on Z. I told her that he didn't want to cancel our date despite having outstation trip. And when he finally reach our place at 1 am, he wants me immediately.
D said that show Z not only like me a little, he likes me a lot.
I told her Z said he is used to such travel and besides he always tell me that I am not in his mind. D said then I am definitely in his mind.
I told D that both Z and I really like to snuggle to each other. D said that confirmed that we are both already invested emotionally. Infact she said it started on our second date. Maybe true cos that's the first time I snuggled on top of him and we listen to music for about one hour. That's also when he asked me if I wanted to have children. He also said money is not important, companionship is important. But I blow it off by saying I haven't tot about it.
I also recalled he once asked me why I always wanted to run. He asked if its because he was not responding. Out of pride I said no. I should have told him yes. Because the truth is I am afraid of being abandoned, feeling hurt. Guess deep down I felt I was unlovable. But that was back in the past, I know now I am lovable.
And the reality is while Z keep on reiterating that he doesn't has feeling for me, he show his care in many ways. And for someone who supposedly doesn't care, he really wanted me and keep the relationship on track.
As for me, while I keep on reiterating that I wanted to run, I am staying.
Father, let's face it. Z won't back down as his fear is much more than mine. His unlovability has been 'proven', whereas mine is mostly in my head.
So, I will take the plunge instead. I will do it when I come back from overseas. I am not sure what's the outcome but I want him. And that's the truth.
Father, D said I have already invested the emotion in Z.
I told D that he is always asking me why I am attracted to him, why I stayed with him. He also like it whenever I said I prefer his approach.
Father, actually the other day when I gave him the service, I already know I am in. If I am not in, I would have ignored his request. And I think he made the request to show to himself how much I want him.
And he asked me to join him on the trip. When I said nope, he didn't like it. I too ponder about joining him cos I want to spend time with him. Looks like I have invested my emotion.
I told D that he said "let's get married", "do u want to marry me?". I ignored his question and didn't reply him. He persisted and I said since he is joking only I don't have to reply. D said that's his way of testing me. He wants to marry me but put in a joking manner.
Is he the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with?
May 9 Eve
I shared with D on Z. I told her that he didn't want to cancel our date despite having outstation trip. And when he finally reach our place at 1 am, he wants me immediately.
D said that show Z not only like me a little, he likes me a lot.
I told her Z said he is used to such travel and besides he always tell me that I am not in his mind. D said then I am definitely in his mind.
I told D that both Z and I really like to snuggle to each other. D said that confirmed that we are both already invested emotionally. Infact she said it started on our second date. Maybe true cos that's the first time I snuggled on top of him and we listen to music for about one hour. That's also when he asked me if I wanted to have children. He also said money is not important, companionship is important. But I blow it off by saying I haven't tot about it.
I also recalled he once asked me why I always wanted to run. He asked if its because he was not responding. Out of pride I said no. I should have told him yes. Because the truth is I am afraid of being abandoned, feeling hurt. Guess deep down I felt I was unlovable. But that was back in the past, I know now I am lovable.
And the reality is while Z keep on reiterating that he doesn't has feeling for me, he show his care in many ways. And for someone who supposedly doesn't care, he really wanted me and keep the relationship on track.
As for me, while I keep on reiterating that I wanted to run, I am staying.
Father, let's face it. Z won't back down as his fear is much more than mine. His unlovability has been 'proven', whereas mine is mostly in my head.
So, I will take the plunge instead. I will do it when I come back from overseas. I am not sure what's the outcome but I want him. And that's the truth.
Cosmic Reward (43) - Breakthru in viewing Z and I
May 9
Father, yesterday Z and I had a good conversation. We talked about meditation. He always managed to get us back to the target, our relationship. He is focused on us.
(May 27 - today he said that my favourite topic is Isha, whereas his favourite topic is us.)
For now, instead of comparing our rship with others. Let's just enjoy each other and we have more going, we r both physically and mentally compatible. And we are open with our sharing. And its true we both contemplated ending. But other don't and it ends anyway. At least we r realistic and prepare for it.
As for me going all the way. I already decided to do so during Samurai Game and that's when I tot we only had 'physical' rship and now we have both physical and mental rship, which is a big improvement.
So, I will stay put in my decision. Mmm, suddenly I had a different perspective. Instead of focusing on the ending and lamenting on what we don't have. I focused on the now and appreciating what we have. We r openly communicating our feelings in terms of our behaviour, our tots, our plans, our dreams, our sexuality.
Suddenly recalled Z's look of disappointment when I told him of our ending. Z asked that I have even predicted our ending. Something there, but m not sure.
Seven of Diamond
This is a spiritual money card (Value)
We r given an opportunity to experience the real prosperity that comes with an attitude of gratitude.
Whether it is about money, plans to make money or make love, situations will present themselves that test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realising and then releasing our fears, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.
Soul
Yea, not sure how or why. But maybe becos of yday self creation meditation, instead of lamenting what Z and I don't have compared with others and stop looking at future, I finally feel blessed about our rship. Z and I are compatible mentally and physically which its what loads of people want. True, they may have started on emotion, but that's fickle cos in then still have to substantiate with mental and physical compatibility.
Father, yesterday Z and I had a good conversation. We talked about meditation. He always managed to get us back to the target, our relationship. He is focused on us.
(May 27 - today he said that my favourite topic is Isha, whereas his favourite topic is us.)
For now, instead of comparing our rship with others. Let's just enjoy each other and we have more going, we r both physically and mentally compatible. And we are open with our sharing. And its true we both contemplated ending. But other don't and it ends anyway. At least we r realistic and prepare for it.
As for me going all the way. I already decided to do so during Samurai Game and that's when I tot we only had 'physical' rship and now we have both physical and mental rship, which is a big improvement.
So, I will stay put in my decision. Mmm, suddenly I had a different perspective. Instead of focusing on the ending and lamenting on what we don't have. I focused on the now and appreciating what we have. We r openly communicating our feelings in terms of our behaviour, our tots, our plans, our dreams, our sexuality.
Suddenly recalled Z's look of disappointment when I told him of our ending. Z asked that I have even predicted our ending. Something there, but m not sure.
Seven of Diamond
This is a spiritual money card (Value)
We r given an opportunity to experience the real prosperity that comes with an attitude of gratitude.
Whether it is about money, plans to make money or make love, situations will present themselves that test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realising and then releasing our fears, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.
Soul
Yea, not sure how or why. But maybe becos of yday self creation meditation, instead of lamenting what Z and I don't have compared with others and stop looking at future, I finally feel blessed about our rship. Z and I are compatible mentally and physically which its what loads of people want. True, they may have started on emotion, but that's fickle cos in then still have to substantiate with mental and physical compatibility.
Cosmic Reward (41) - Breakthru in shharing joyong
May 8 Eve
Father, I just called Z and we chatted. Normally we do post mortum after sathsang. Both Z and L told me that sathsang is not good, below average.
I am glad to know that I makes a difference to the Sathsang. My joyfulness gives the Sathsang a different feel.
Z didn't reply to my msg on Saturday and I tot he has no view about me liking his kisses. But looks like he did read the msg and wants to talk about it.
Today, a breakthru for me. I finally shared with an Isha member, my website. She is an architect who is now looking for alternative value in life. Of course, I asked her to keep it confidential but I do want her opinion.
(May 27 - She checked on the website, she said "not bad, very nice, keep it up!)
Osho
You come alone, u go alone; u are alone between birth and death.
When two independent man and woman, free people, who take responsibility on their own shoulders, meet, there is an immense beauty in it.
Nobody is a burden to the other. Nobody is dumping anything onto the other. U have dropped the very idea of dumping anything. U can be together but ur aloneness remains untouched, pure, crystal-clear, virgin. U never tresspass on each other's territories. U can enjoy each other just because u r separate.
The more separate u r, the more clearly it is understood that u r alone, he is alone - the more possibility of a great meeting of two aloneness, two purities, two individuals.
Soul
Yea, I recalled I sang "two less lonely people in the world tonight".
Osho
Take responsibility! And then even in utter poverty, suffering, imprisoned in a jail, u will remain completely a master of urself. U will have the freedom that comes with responsibility.
Father, I just called Z and we chatted. Normally we do post mortum after sathsang. Both Z and L told me that sathsang is not good, below average.
I am glad to know that I makes a difference to the Sathsang. My joyfulness gives the Sathsang a different feel.
Z didn't reply to my msg on Saturday and I tot he has no view about me liking his kisses. But looks like he did read the msg and wants to talk about it.
Today, a breakthru for me. I finally shared with an Isha member, my website. She is an architect who is now looking for alternative value in life. Of course, I asked her to keep it confidential but I do want her opinion.
(May 27 - She checked on the website, she said "not bad, very nice, keep it up!)
Osho
You come alone, u go alone; u are alone between birth and death.
When two independent man and woman, free people, who take responsibility on their own shoulders, meet, there is an immense beauty in it.
Nobody is a burden to the other. Nobody is dumping anything onto the other. U have dropped the very idea of dumping anything. U can be together but ur aloneness remains untouched, pure, crystal-clear, virgin. U never tresspass on each other's territories. U can enjoy each other just because u r separate.
The more separate u r, the more clearly it is understood that u r alone, he is alone - the more possibility of a great meeting of two aloneness, two purities, two individuals.
Soul
Yea, I recalled I sang "two less lonely people in the world tonight".
Osho
Take responsibility! And then even in utter poverty, suffering, imprisoned in a jail, u will remain completely a master of urself. U will have the freedom that comes with responsibility.
Cosmic Reward (40) - Positive outlook
May 8
Father, today Z didn't attend. I must say I was happier yesterday. Today he wasn't there and also my feet was bit of pain. But I know m fine and the energy was stronger compared to the other 2 days. So, as per norm, when energy is very strong, my easy going personality disappear and I become intense and definitely I didn't have time to look and smile cos whenever I sat down, energy took over. So, its not really about him but its the energy.
Yesterday reading of Natal chart affirms my decision to complete the course with Z.
Just read the Samurai Game, and saw my 24 hours and it was on Z. And this affirm that my decision to complete the course is correct. I don't know what's the future, but the current now, compared with the future that was projected 3 months ago is way better.
So, I can't predict the future. For now both Z and I can only predict the ending. For Z the ending is like 1 or 2 years later. Anyway, we don't know what's going to happen. For now, we just know we want each other and we are good companion.
Hey, suddenly it occur to me, we have 2 out of 3. So, it is not a wrong basis. We just didn't start from emotion, that's all. Lots of people starts with emotion and at times cannot proceed elsewhere.
For us, we started with mental and then we are now physical, so let's stay in this mode first. As for the emotion, both of us may not want it and I am afraid of it since he didn't want it but that's in the future, which I cannot predict and neither can Z.
So, instead of lamenting of what we don't have, I will appreciate what we have, we r compatible mentally and now physically. So, let's just be here. Forget about comparing with others.
Called him but no response and mind said u see. But I ignored it, he is probably sleeping. We just saw each other yesterday. Let's not dramatise everytime I cannot reach him. That's my lesson and I need to be aware not to take his unreachability personally.
Father, again he asked me why I am attracted to him and what makes me stay. Of course, I forgot and got be irritated as I felt that he was probing and I was afraid to reveal that I am very attracted to him especially since his attraction to me was lukewarm.
J told me that Z needed assurance from me. Father, let me not forget that Z.
Yea, it was my mind working overtime. Z called me back 15 minutes later.
Father, today Z didn't attend. I must say I was happier yesterday. Today he wasn't there and also my feet was bit of pain. But I know m fine and the energy was stronger compared to the other 2 days. So, as per norm, when energy is very strong, my easy going personality disappear and I become intense and definitely I didn't have time to look and smile cos whenever I sat down, energy took over. So, its not really about him but its the energy.
Yesterday reading of Natal chart affirms my decision to complete the course with Z.
Just read the Samurai Game, and saw my 24 hours and it was on Z. And this affirm that my decision to complete the course is correct. I don't know what's the future, but the current now, compared with the future that was projected 3 months ago is way better.
So, I can't predict the future. For now both Z and I can only predict the ending. For Z the ending is like 1 or 2 years later. Anyway, we don't know what's going to happen. For now, we just know we want each other and we are good companion.
Hey, suddenly it occur to me, we have 2 out of 3. So, it is not a wrong basis. We just didn't start from emotion, that's all. Lots of people starts with emotion and at times cannot proceed elsewhere.
For us, we started with mental and then we are now physical, so let's stay in this mode first. As for the emotion, both of us may not want it and I am afraid of it since he didn't want it but that's in the future, which I cannot predict and neither can Z.
So, instead of lamenting of what we don't have, I will appreciate what we have, we r compatible mentally and now physically. So, let's just be here. Forget about comparing with others.
Called him but no response and mind said u see. But I ignored it, he is probably sleeping. We just saw each other yesterday. Let's not dramatise everytime I cannot reach him. That's my lesson and I need to be aware not to take his unreachability personally.
Father, again he asked me why I am attracted to him and what makes me stay. Of course, I forgot and got be irritated as I felt that he was probing and I was afraid to reveal that I am very attracted to him especially since his attraction to me was lukewarm.
J told me that Z needed assurance from me. Father, let me not forget that Z.
Yea, it was my mind working overtime. Z called me back 15 minutes later.
Cosmic Lesson (56) - To complete the course
May 7 Aft
Just did the sathsang meditation. I felt totally refreshed and born anew. All my past is gone.
And I know I will continue with Z. When Z described about him taking care of his wife during delivery and also of his plan of giving me financial support since I am one person closest to him. He also said that he wanted to travel and then spent time in the Ashram on intervals I saw him as fulfilling what I want.
I got afraid that I can't have him and so its best that I leave him first. So, its the case of if I cannot buy him, don't see.
I also like the part whereby I snuggle on top of him. Its such a nice feeling and I like it a lot and so does he. I also grow to like his kisses.
So, I will finish the course. I don't expect to change him or for him to love me but what I want is to change myself. I no longer wants fear to rule my life.
I am fine that I told him cos at least he know the challenges I faced to be with him.
I send him a msg and he has not responded. The mind is working and said that he wanted to exit already since I told him that I plan to exit by end June. Next tot if he really want to exit, so be it, his loss not mine. Or he doesn't want to respond so we have less emotion. Then a tot came, he helped me to carry my bag and gave me a goodbye kiss yday and we talked during the yoga session.
So, net net I don't know.
Father, what I know is abandonment issue still do trigger. But m more aware now. And this is why I wanted out. Well, I have rewritten mySelf. This is my spring time. I will finish my course and Z is now my friend. Like he said we r close already. He shared with me everything.
Evening
I met him and we r fine.
Earth signs
Being pragmatic, u don't usually take chances with ur time, money, energy or ur feelings. U tend to be dependable, although folks in the fast lane may find u a bit conservative and dull
If u become bored or depressed, u should realise that ur values are misplaced and that ur sense of security is false. If u r not happy, change ur status quo and embrace the unknown. When paralysed by fears and inhibition, breathe deeply and move slowly and deliberately towards what u want.
Soul
Yeap I know. I am afraid. But I know I want Z.
Mars in Libra
U r strong, daring and possess healthy sexual appetites. U spur ur partner to reach new levels of stimulation. Develop ur stamina.
Spicy food perks u up. U urself are a spicy dish who can churn the hot love juice of another.
Ur physical and psychological conditions are intertwined. When the chemistry is right, u r superhuman and unstoppable. U have strong desires and physical needs and a fearless persistence and determination to get what u want. U r motivated by satisfaction.
U experience very powerful and passionate energies. Sexual energy exchanges will transform u, ur life and lifestyle. U r motivated by passion and deep commitment to people and causes.
Soul
That's why I am completing my course as I know I need to open the physical door.
Just did the sathsang meditation. I felt totally refreshed and born anew. All my past is gone.
And I know I will continue with Z. When Z described about him taking care of his wife during delivery and also of his plan of giving me financial support since I am one person closest to him. He also said that he wanted to travel and then spent time in the Ashram on intervals I saw him as fulfilling what I want.
I got afraid that I can't have him and so its best that I leave him first. So, its the case of if I cannot buy him, don't see.
I also like the part whereby I snuggle on top of him. Its such a nice feeling and I like it a lot and so does he. I also grow to like his kisses.
So, I will finish the course. I don't expect to change him or for him to love me but what I want is to change myself. I no longer wants fear to rule my life.
I am fine that I told him cos at least he know the challenges I faced to be with him.
I send him a msg and he has not responded. The mind is working and said that he wanted to exit already since I told him that I plan to exit by end June. Next tot if he really want to exit, so be it, his loss not mine. Or he doesn't want to respond so we have less emotion. Then a tot came, he helped me to carry my bag and gave me a goodbye kiss yday and we talked during the yoga session.
So, net net I don't know.
Father, what I know is abandonment issue still do trigger. But m more aware now. And this is why I wanted out. Well, I have rewritten mySelf. This is my spring time. I will finish my course and Z is now my friend. Like he said we r close already. He shared with me everything.
Evening
I met him and we r fine.
Earth signs
Being pragmatic, u don't usually take chances with ur time, money, energy or ur feelings. U tend to be dependable, although folks in the fast lane may find u a bit conservative and dull
If u become bored or depressed, u should realise that ur values are misplaced and that ur sense of security is false. If u r not happy, change ur status quo and embrace the unknown. When paralysed by fears and inhibition, breathe deeply and move slowly and deliberately towards what u want.
Soul
Yeap I know. I am afraid. But I know I want Z.
Mars in Libra
U r strong, daring and possess healthy sexual appetites. U spur ur partner to reach new levels of stimulation. Develop ur stamina.
Spicy food perks u up. U urself are a spicy dish who can churn the hot love juice of another.
Ur physical and psychological conditions are intertwined. When the chemistry is right, u r superhuman and unstoppable. U have strong desires and physical needs and a fearless persistence and determination to get what u want. U r motivated by satisfaction.
U experience very powerful and passionate energies. Sexual energy exchanges will transform u, ur life and lifestyle. U r motivated by passion and deep commitment to people and causes.
Soul
That's why I am completing my course as I know I need to open the physical door.
Cosmic Lesson (55) - To complete the course
May 7
Father, emotion is an outcome to me. When I am mentally and physically comfortable with my partner and he gave me a feeling of protectiveness, naturally I wanted to spend time with him and feelings developed.
He said we should not spend time together so feeling cannot develop. Let's not kid myself. I am already falling for him. And I am fine cos I know feeling is an outcome. I am not the type to fall in love at first sight. I am a intuitive thinker and I don't operate by feeling. So, not possible for love at first sight.
For him he is a sensation thinker and hence he operates by sensation. While he knows we r compatible and he cares for me but to him I don't create the sensation in him, no love at first sight. So, I am not the one he wants. Whereas he is the one I want. I also knows that he is so rigid that he won't change. That's his strength in him and that's also his weakness.
So, will need to end this by end June. I want and deserved to be loved. I don't want to hold back my emotion when I finally able to feel it. Z has helped to release my physical and now I want someone I am mentally compatible that I can release/express both physical and emotion. I am lovable and I deserved to be loved. No worries Z was just the door opener.
Yea, I finally realised I am loved. Z has helped to remove my past karma. Its true I could stay on till we finally complete our deal.
That's an option but it will be a compromise.
And I know it can be another 5 or 6 session, 2 to 3 months before it can happen and by then I would have fallen for him.
Just finished practice. Message came, finished the course. And finishing it means till I am enjoying the whole deal. I need his help to breakthru the physical part of me. The price to pay is falling for him. I just checked destiny card. I will end it next year, no worries. But it will end because I want more and not because I am afraid that I be abandon.
He and I have different perspective in love. For me, I don't need another to mirror my emotion. Whereas for him, he needed to. So he wants a woman (protector) that is crazily in love with him. His card also says so.
Father, emotion is an outcome to me. When I am mentally and physically comfortable with my partner and he gave me a feeling of protectiveness, naturally I wanted to spend time with him and feelings developed.
He said we should not spend time together so feeling cannot develop. Let's not kid myself. I am already falling for him. And I am fine cos I know feeling is an outcome. I am not the type to fall in love at first sight. I am a intuitive thinker and I don't operate by feeling. So, not possible for love at first sight.
For him he is a sensation thinker and hence he operates by sensation. While he knows we r compatible and he cares for me but to him I don't create the sensation in him, no love at first sight. So, I am not the one he wants. Whereas he is the one I want. I also knows that he is so rigid that he won't change. That's his strength in him and that's also his weakness.
So, will need to end this by end June. I want and deserved to be loved. I don't want to hold back my emotion when I finally able to feel it. Z has helped to release my physical and now I want someone I am mentally compatible that I can release/express both physical and emotion. I am lovable and I deserved to be loved. No worries Z was just the door opener.
Yea, I finally realised I am loved. Z has helped to remove my past karma. Its true I could stay on till we finally complete our deal.
That's an option but it will be a compromise.
And I know it can be another 5 or 6 session, 2 to 3 months before it can happen and by then I would have fallen for him.
Just finished practice. Message came, finished the course. And finishing it means till I am enjoying the whole deal. I need his help to breakthru the physical part of me. The price to pay is falling for him. I just checked destiny card. I will end it next year, no worries. But it will end because I want more and not because I am afraid that I be abandon.
He and I have different perspective in love. For me, I don't need another to mirror my emotion. Whereas for him, he needed to. So he wants a woman (protector) that is crazily in love with him. His card also says so.
Cosmic Lesson (54) - Abandonment triggered
May 6 Eve
Father, it was a clarity day. Z reiterated that he likes our non commitment arrangement. He has no time for romantic rship. He likes that we r both mature. He is thinking that we continue like that for one year or so. Then when he get married, we both move on. When he told me this, my heart broke. Any possible dream of being with him is gone.
Of course in the same note, he said he is very close to me, I complement him and I am considered as his crony. When he made his money, he will include a portion for me too.
I told him that I find him challenging as he asked everything of me and yet doesn't want to give anything in return. He asked too much.
Today I told him that what we have is a physical and mental rship. We don't an emotional rship. He said he agreed and that what he wanted. I told him that we r human and we may not be able to avoid becoming emotional. He said he doesn't has a problem. I told him I may have and hence I need an exit plan to avoid such incidence of me falling for him.
He said the way to go about is that we don't communicate to each other frequently. We only talked once in a while and when we have our nights.
I told him that is being arrogant and for me the right way is to exit as soon as possible. He asked me when. I told him end June and he asked if that is next year. I said this year. He immediately got edgy and can hear his anger. He asked why wait for another one and half month. Why not end it today. Why not exit now. I said I haven't play enough yet. He said we already played all. Why don't we exit now. He sounds real threatening and I asked if he is serious. He then backed down and said he just wanted to tease me.
A tot came. He does truly care for me and even admitted I am so close to him that I am one of his crony and is in the list of getting benefits to him.
Father, I need to exit not because of abandonment. Because I am lovable and I deserved more and not just a rship based on needs.
Compromise
It is one thing to meet another halfway, to understand a point of view different from our own and work towards a harmony of the opposing forces.
It is quite another to "cave in" and betray our own truth. If we look deeply into it, we usually find we have a bad taste.
Compromise is not going to help. And compromise may be a way of not going either direction or it may just be a repression of ur confusion.
Soul
I cannot handle a romantic rship but I deserved more. I want more. I want a wholesome rship.
Father, it was a clarity day. Z reiterated that he likes our non commitment arrangement. He has no time for romantic rship. He likes that we r both mature. He is thinking that we continue like that for one year or so. Then when he get married, we both move on. When he told me this, my heart broke. Any possible dream of being with him is gone.
Of course in the same note, he said he is very close to me, I complement him and I am considered as his crony. When he made his money, he will include a portion for me too.
I told him that I find him challenging as he asked everything of me and yet doesn't want to give anything in return. He asked too much.
Today I told him that what we have is a physical and mental rship. We don't an emotional rship. He said he agreed and that what he wanted. I told him that we r human and we may not be able to avoid becoming emotional. He said he doesn't has a problem. I told him I may have and hence I need an exit plan to avoid such incidence of me falling for him.
He said the way to go about is that we don't communicate to each other frequently. We only talked once in a while and when we have our nights.
I told him that is being arrogant and for me the right way is to exit as soon as possible. He asked me when. I told him end June and he asked if that is next year. I said this year. He immediately got edgy and can hear his anger. He asked why wait for another one and half month. Why not end it today. Why not exit now. I said I haven't play enough yet. He said we already played all. Why don't we exit now. He sounds real threatening and I asked if he is serious. He then backed down and said he just wanted to tease me.
A tot came. He does truly care for me and even admitted I am so close to him that I am one of his crony and is in the list of getting benefits to him.
Father, I need to exit not because of abandonment. Because I am lovable and I deserved more and not just a rship based on needs.
Compromise
It is one thing to meet another halfway, to understand a point of view different from our own and work towards a harmony of the opposing forces.
It is quite another to "cave in" and betray our own truth. If we look deeply into it, we usually find we have a bad taste.
Compromise is not going to help. And compromise may be a way of not going either direction or it may just be a repression of ur confusion.
Soul
I cannot handle a romantic rship but I deserved more. I want more. I want a wholesome rship.
Cosmic Reward (39) - Z is more focused than me
May 5 Eve
My lover, Myself
Tell ur stories in a safe environment
Tell of ur childhood innocence, the false bravado or painful shyness of adolescence. Tell each other what it was like when u had to face the world as an uncertain young adult. Speak of ur lies and deceits and of ur noblest deeds as well.
Storytelling is no less than a sharing of Self, something all companions do.
Soul
Great. I am on the right track. I always want to tell. Of course, in my case I tell first or perhaps too early. I want them to know upfront. Z and I shared many story telling.
I recalled he said we have cleared all our internals (breaking down all my internal doors) and we can now proceed with external. Perhaps because we spent time clearing our doors, sharing our intimate tots, we become physically intimate effortlessly.
My lover, Myself
Face ur shadows with courage
The process of knowing the other fails unless and until we face the question of self knowledge and come to know the true self. What keeps us from telling and rewriting our stories is the shadows they left in us. The demons of rage, grief, fear and shame can be tamed. They r the voices telling u that u r unlovable and unworthy of love. U created them, paradoxically out of love and moral purity in childhood, as a way of explaining to urself why u were betrayed by ur parents or other important adults. Now these Shadows only harm u. Only u can get them to stop.
Soul
Yeap, my karma. Well, its all in my mind. I stop projecting it out to future.
My lover, Myself
Keep a journal of personal responsibility - Bin
There have probably been times when u have said or tot, "We are so different.". But what on earth did u expect? If u want a relationship without difference, try cloning.
If u want intimacy and "grow up" through learning, anticipate differences and value it.
Coming away from such encounter with an agreement to name the difference and put it in the Bin is a way of getting enough distance to develop the skill of collaborating rather than fighting over differences.
6. Know ur behavioural profile
Soul
This morning he said 8 to 9 pm. But now is 10 pm. Actually he knew that if he told me 10 pm, I would have said no.
But he really want to spend time with me. And so do I, but at times its me, must have things in the way or form I want.
So, actually he wants me more than I want him. He goes all the way to be with me. I am the one who put road blocks. I remember the time he wanted to come to my house, around 11 pm and I told him no and laughed it off. Then the time he wanted me to go to his house, I tried but in the end ego overrides.
Aiyah, he is more committed than me. When he postpone our dates is because he truly cannot make it due to his finance, business and studies.
For myself, I don't like to be inconvenienced. I like things the way I want them to be, presented on a silver platter. If the form is not right, I will reject. I didn't look at substance.
My lover, Myself.
Happiness and well-being are not found in memorable events or in great successes, power or money. They are found in mind states that are completely under our control, states which we can learn to call forth at will.
Learning how to live and be well is not a luxury. It is a necessity and a responsibility. Learn to live well before u die.
People who experience joy and pleasure know how to live in the present moment and to take pleasure in the moment.
The key ingredient to well being is, above all, in ur tots, rather than just in ur genes, ur diet or ur exercise program.
Remember how to feel real joy, the kind of joy which came so easily to u as a child.
Soul
Its after midnite and he still has not arrived. I am amazed at his tenacity. I would have given up. He didn't. Father, I admit he is a more fine a person compared to me. He is willing to share himself. Whereas I resist. That's also the reason why I am not keen on children. I am not willing to share my time and space with others. No wonder my Ruling of Ace of Diamond. Anyway, that's my old karma.
Suddenly tot of my Jack of Heart, Christ card. Me sacrificing for a younger person. His card is Six of Heart. Settlement. Well, that's true I am settling on him.
My lover, Myself
Tell ur stories in a safe environment
Tell of ur childhood innocence, the false bravado or painful shyness of adolescence. Tell each other what it was like when u had to face the world as an uncertain young adult. Speak of ur lies and deceits and of ur noblest deeds as well.
Storytelling is no less than a sharing of Self, something all companions do.
Soul
Great. I am on the right track. I always want to tell. Of course, in my case I tell first or perhaps too early. I want them to know upfront. Z and I shared many story telling.
I recalled he said we have cleared all our internals (breaking down all my internal doors) and we can now proceed with external. Perhaps because we spent time clearing our doors, sharing our intimate tots, we become physically intimate effortlessly.
My lover, Myself
Face ur shadows with courage
The process of knowing the other fails unless and until we face the question of self knowledge and come to know the true self. What keeps us from telling and rewriting our stories is the shadows they left in us. The demons of rage, grief, fear and shame can be tamed. They r the voices telling u that u r unlovable and unworthy of love. U created them, paradoxically out of love and moral purity in childhood, as a way of explaining to urself why u were betrayed by ur parents or other important adults. Now these Shadows only harm u. Only u can get them to stop.
Soul
Yeap, my karma. Well, its all in my mind. I stop projecting it out to future.
My lover, Myself
Keep a journal of personal responsibility - Bin
There have probably been times when u have said or tot, "We are so different.". But what on earth did u expect? If u want a relationship without difference, try cloning.
If u want intimacy and "grow up" through learning, anticipate differences and value it.
Coming away from such encounter with an agreement to name the difference and put it in the Bin is a way of getting enough distance to develop the skill of collaborating rather than fighting over differences.
6. Know ur behavioural profile
Soul
This morning he said 8 to 9 pm. But now is 10 pm. Actually he knew that if he told me 10 pm, I would have said no.
But he really want to spend time with me. And so do I, but at times its me, must have things in the way or form I want.
So, actually he wants me more than I want him. He goes all the way to be with me. I am the one who put road blocks. I remember the time he wanted to come to my house, around 11 pm and I told him no and laughed it off. Then the time he wanted me to go to his house, I tried but in the end ego overrides.
Aiyah, he is more committed than me. When he postpone our dates is because he truly cannot make it due to his finance, business and studies.
For myself, I don't like to be inconvenienced. I like things the way I want them to be, presented on a silver platter. If the form is not right, I will reject. I didn't look at substance.
My lover, Myself.
Happiness and well-being are not found in memorable events or in great successes, power or money. They are found in mind states that are completely under our control, states which we can learn to call forth at will.
Learning how to live and be well is not a luxury. It is a necessity and a responsibility. Learn to live well before u die.
People who experience joy and pleasure know how to live in the present moment and to take pleasure in the moment.
The key ingredient to well being is, above all, in ur tots, rather than just in ur genes, ur diet or ur exercise program.
Remember how to feel real joy, the kind of joy which came so easily to u as a child.
Soul
Its after midnite and he still has not arrived. I am amazed at his tenacity. I would have given up. He didn't. Father, I admit he is a more fine a person compared to me. He is willing to share himself. Whereas I resist. That's also the reason why I am not keen on children. I am not willing to share my time and space with others. No wonder my Ruling of Ace of Diamond. Anyway, that's my old karma.
Suddenly tot of my Jack of Heart, Christ card. Me sacrificing for a younger person. His card is Six of Heart. Settlement. Well, that's true I am settling on him.
Cosmic Reward (38) - I am more than fine
May 5
My lover, Myself
1. Validation/acknowledgement that he knows u
Appropriate description of ourselves by our partners.
(Z said I know him. I too said Z knows me)
2. Two truths
Both of u r right.
Resolve by:
Agreeing to agree in public - hence allows for some nego and create harmony
Agreeing not to disagree - conformity expected of all parties to any action
Agreeing to disagree - flexibility and autonomy is valued. But it allows for imprecision, looseness and delaying or deferring action
Finding a third way - letting go and look outside the box. Bypass disagreement and is a win-win model.
3. Never withhold sex.
Soul
I called him at 10 am but couldn't reach him. He called me back immediately. First thing is he apologised for not calling me back as his batt was flat. And as expected he was in outstation. He now needs to travel outstation of nearly 3 hours drive as he need to attend an urgent meeting. So, he will be on the road for 7 hours today and yet he still want to be with me. But he doesn't want to cancel our date either. He said both appointment is equally important to him.
Father, like I said he neither has time nor money, but he really wanted me.
My lover, Myself
1. Validation/acknowledgement that he knows u
Appropriate description of ourselves by our partners.
(Z said I know him. I too said Z knows me)
2. Two truths
Both of u r right.
Resolve by:
Agreeing to agree in public - hence allows for some nego and create harmony
Agreeing not to disagree - conformity expected of all parties to any action
Agreeing to disagree - flexibility and autonomy is valued. But it allows for imprecision, looseness and delaying or deferring action
Finding a third way - letting go and look outside the box. Bypass disagreement and is a win-win model.
3. Never withhold sex.
Soul
I called him at 10 am but couldn't reach him. He called me back immediately. First thing is he apologised for not calling me back as his batt was flat. And as expected he was in outstation. He now needs to travel outstation of nearly 3 hours drive as he need to attend an urgent meeting. So, he will be on the road for 7 hours today and yet he still want to be with me. But he doesn't want to cancel our date either. He said both appointment is equally important to him.
Father, like I said he neither has time nor money, but he really wanted me.
Cosmic Reward (37) - I am more than fine
May 4 Eve
Father, he called me in the afternoon. I return call but no response. I then msg him but no response and I was completely fine.
I called him at night, 9.15 pm but he didn't pick up. Its now 10.45 pm still no response. The old me who have been dramatising. Actually the mind did gave a second tot on cancellation of tomorrow plan but I dismissed it. Z is responsible and he would called if is cancel.
Now I just view him as unreachable. I noticed that when he is with me, he put the phone on silent. When he goes for sathsang, he put phone on silent and left it in the car. So, his normal mode is silent.
Osho
Change ur inner being. And the moment u r changed, completely transformed, u will suddenly see u are out of the imprisonment, u r no longer a slave. U were a slave because of ur chaos.
Soul
Yeap. These days whenever I watch tv listlessly, I automatically start conscious breathing and eye staring straight at the TV, sitting without movement.
Osho
Meditation is not a conditioning; it is simply sitting silently, doing nothing, just enjoying the silence - the silence of the night, the silence of the early morning ... and slowly, slowly u become acquainted with the silence that pervades ur inner being. Then the moment u close ur eyes, u fall into the pool of a silent lake, which is fathomless. And out of that silence u r rejuvenated every moment.
Out of that silence comes ur love, ur beauty, a special depth to ur eyes; a special aura to ur being, a strength to ur individuality and a self-respect.
Soul
I am experiencing them.
Mmm, I think he has an unexpected trip outstation.
(May 27 - I was right. He does have a trip but he didn't want to cancel our date. We met very late at night)
Father, he called me in the afternoon. I return call but no response. I then msg him but no response and I was completely fine.
I called him at night, 9.15 pm but he didn't pick up. Its now 10.45 pm still no response. The old me who have been dramatising. Actually the mind did gave a second tot on cancellation of tomorrow plan but I dismissed it. Z is responsible and he would called if is cancel.
Now I just view him as unreachable. I noticed that when he is with me, he put the phone on silent. When he goes for sathsang, he put phone on silent and left it in the car. So, his normal mode is silent.
Osho
Change ur inner being. And the moment u r changed, completely transformed, u will suddenly see u are out of the imprisonment, u r no longer a slave. U were a slave because of ur chaos.
Soul
Yeap. These days whenever I watch tv listlessly, I automatically start conscious breathing and eye staring straight at the TV, sitting without movement.
Osho
Meditation is not a conditioning; it is simply sitting silently, doing nothing, just enjoying the silence - the silence of the night, the silence of the early morning ... and slowly, slowly u become acquainted with the silence that pervades ur inner being. Then the moment u close ur eyes, u fall into the pool of a silent lake, which is fathomless. And out of that silence u r rejuvenated every moment.
Out of that silence comes ur love, ur beauty, a special depth to ur eyes; a special aura to ur being, a strength to ur individuality and a self-respect.
Soul
I am experiencing them.
Mmm, I think he has an unexpected trip outstation.
(May 27 - I was right. He does have a trip but he didn't want to cancel our date. We met very late at night)
Cosmic Reward (36) - I am fine
May 4 Aft
My lover, Myself
Journal work is an act of forgiving. We can use journal to minimise and optimise, eliminate the vengeful and wasteful monologues that circle round and round in our minds after we have been hurt, bested or wronged by our partner.
Soul
I know. I started journaling back in 1997. I have thrown out all. Now the only journal I have is the one in the blog. Reading it helps to keep things in perspective.
My lover myself.
Our monologues are exceedingly hard to resist. This is because our shadows continue to try to trip us up so that we miscommunicate again and again rather than speak and act in ways which will show our partners that we are really asking to love and be loved. Our shadows would return us to the childhood anxiety where we "know" that we are unloved, unworthy of love and incapable of giving meaningful love. In this way our shadows whisper self-fulfilling prophecies which keep us in the darkness of our caves just when we most want to reach out. Consider how utterly limited, restrictive and narrow is the narrative landscape u put urself into when u flee to the darkest reaches of ur mind after a particularly pernicious conversation with, of all people, someone u more than likely still love.
In shifting from monologues of blame projection and revenge to truthful dialogues with the self, it not only takes away the power of our demons to hurt us, it changes our conversation with others.
Soul
True. When I am down, I felt powerless and there is no solution. So, the Innocence card tells me to drop my personality. The Past Life card ask me to be conscious so that my issue of abandonment doesn't take over me.
My lover Myself
Explore ur shadow as if u have no intention to change. Making something fully conscious is actually a far more powerful way to change behaviour than trying to change it overtly without fully admitting its presence to urself.
My lover, Myself
Journal work is an act of forgiving. We can use journal to minimise and optimise, eliminate the vengeful and wasteful monologues that circle round and round in our minds after we have been hurt, bested or wronged by our partner.
Soul
I know. I started journaling back in 1997. I have thrown out all. Now the only journal I have is the one in the blog. Reading it helps to keep things in perspective.
My lover myself.
Our monologues are exceedingly hard to resist. This is because our shadows continue to try to trip us up so that we miscommunicate again and again rather than speak and act in ways which will show our partners that we are really asking to love and be loved. Our shadows would return us to the childhood anxiety where we "know" that we are unloved, unworthy of love and incapable of giving meaningful love. In this way our shadows whisper self-fulfilling prophecies which keep us in the darkness of our caves just when we most want to reach out. Consider how utterly limited, restrictive and narrow is the narrative landscape u put urself into when u flee to the darkest reaches of ur mind after a particularly pernicious conversation with, of all people, someone u more than likely still love.
In shifting from monologues of blame projection and revenge to truthful dialogues with the self, it not only takes away the power of our demons to hurt us, it changes our conversation with others.
Soul
True. When I am down, I felt powerless and there is no solution. So, the Innocence card tells me to drop my personality. The Past Life card ask me to be conscious so that my issue of abandonment doesn't take over me.
My lover Myself
Explore ur shadow as if u have no intention to change. Making something fully conscious is actually a far more powerful way to change behaviour than trying to change it overtly without fully admitting its presence to urself.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Cosmic Reward (35) - I am opening up (Past is over)
May 4
Today I drove mom to market and I wasn't aware and now back into old road. Looks like system still programmed under old road. I used it for 2 and half years and new road only for a few months. So, whenever I am not conscious I am rolled back.
Mmm, a tot came on Z's comment. "No gal gave me a hell of time like u. U have such a strange character. But I finally goy u" "You drive me crazy"
That's mean he wanted me and set out to break all my door. He made it as if he is doing me a favour by hooking up with me. Later relented and said we r doing each other favour.
Osho
1. Issue
Innocence
If u drop knowledge, u will have a totally different quality to ur being; innocence. There will be a resurrection of ur innocence. U will become a child again, reborn.
U become at home with himself and with what life has brought. This is a time of letting go, relaxation and sweetness. They are a response to his presence, a reflection of his own qualities.
The innocence that comes from a deep experience of life is childlike but not childish. Innocence of a life lived fully has a quality of wisdom and acceptance of the everchanging wonder of life.
Soul
After last week turmoil, I now have a new vision. And I was able to shine light to Ja and SL too
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see.
Celebration.
Life is a moment to celebrate, to enjoy. Don't be too wise. A little foolishness and a little wisdom is good.
True celebration arises from a joy that is first experienced deep within, spills over into an overflow of song, dance and laughter and yes, even tears of gratitude.
U r now becoming more and more available and open to the many opportunities that are to celebrate in life and to spread this by contagion to others.
3. External influence
Compromise
Don't be clever, otherwise u remain the same, u will not change. Compromise is not going to help. And compromise may be a way of not going in either direction or it may just be a repression of ur confusion.
Soul
Yeap, I was trying to commit but within a limited time. I wanted to do oral but not penetrative sex. I wanted to like him but not love him. I wanted to stay but only within certain time. All the above is to enable me to move forward, going for what I desire without triggering fear of abandonment.
4. What is needed
Past Lives
The child can become conscious only if in his past life he has meditated enough, has created enough meditative energy to fight with the darkness.
The hand of existence form the shape of the female genitals, the opening of the cosmic mother.
We need to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour.
Soul
Yea. I know me opening up the physical doorway is the key. My karma of abandonment arise because I believe I was not lovable. Well, the truth is out. No one push me out to others, it was a pull factor. I was so lovable and cute that all neighbours wants to have a piece of me. So, in reality, my belief of unlovability is not true. No one gave me away, Others just want to love me.
5. Resolution
Maturity
The distinction between the grasses and the blossoms is the same as between u not knowing that u r a buddha, and the moment u know u r a buddha.
Buddha is completely blossomed, fully opened.
Soul
I now know I am truly lovable. It was because I was so cute that neighbours wants to love and care for me. My mom didn't give me away, I was taken away to be loved.
Maturity
The inner being is filled with flower that carry the quality of springtime and regenerate whenever he goes. The inner flowering and the wholeness that he feels affords the possibility of unlimited movement. He can move in any direction - within and without it makes no difference as his joy and maturity cannot be diminished by externals.
Ur base is solid now and success and good fortune are urs for they are the outcome of what has already been experienced within.
Today I drove mom to market and I wasn't aware and now back into old road. Looks like system still programmed under old road. I used it for 2 and half years and new road only for a few months. So, whenever I am not conscious I am rolled back.
Mmm, a tot came on Z's comment. "No gal gave me a hell of time like u. U have such a strange character. But I finally goy u" "You drive me crazy"
That's mean he wanted me and set out to break all my door. He made it as if he is doing me a favour by hooking up with me. Later relented and said we r doing each other favour.
Osho
1. Issue
Innocence
If u drop knowledge, u will have a totally different quality to ur being; innocence. There will be a resurrection of ur innocence. U will become a child again, reborn.
U become at home with himself and with what life has brought. This is a time of letting go, relaxation and sweetness. They are a response to his presence, a reflection of his own qualities.
The innocence that comes from a deep experience of life is childlike but not childish. Innocence of a life lived fully has a quality of wisdom and acceptance of the everchanging wonder of life.
Soul
After last week turmoil, I now have a new vision. And I was able to shine light to Ja and SL too
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see.
Celebration.
Life is a moment to celebrate, to enjoy. Don't be too wise. A little foolishness and a little wisdom is good.
True celebration arises from a joy that is first experienced deep within, spills over into an overflow of song, dance and laughter and yes, even tears of gratitude.
U r now becoming more and more available and open to the many opportunities that are to celebrate in life and to spread this by contagion to others.
3. External influence
Compromise
Don't be clever, otherwise u remain the same, u will not change. Compromise is not going to help. And compromise may be a way of not going in either direction or it may just be a repression of ur confusion.
Soul
Yeap, I was trying to commit but within a limited time. I wanted to do oral but not penetrative sex. I wanted to like him but not love him. I wanted to stay but only within certain time. All the above is to enable me to move forward, going for what I desire without triggering fear of abandonment.
4. What is needed
Past Lives
The child can become conscious only if in his past life he has meditated enough, has created enough meditative energy to fight with the darkness.
The hand of existence form the shape of the female genitals, the opening of the cosmic mother.
We need to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour.
Soul
Yea. I know me opening up the physical doorway is the key. My karma of abandonment arise because I believe I was not lovable. Well, the truth is out. No one push me out to others, it was a pull factor. I was so lovable and cute that all neighbours wants to have a piece of me. So, in reality, my belief of unlovability is not true. No one gave me away, Others just want to love me.
5. Resolution
Maturity
The distinction between the grasses and the blossoms is the same as between u not knowing that u r a buddha, and the moment u know u r a buddha.
Buddha is completely blossomed, fully opened.
Soul
I now know I am truly lovable. It was because I was so cute that neighbours wants to love and care for me. My mom didn't give me away, I was taken away to be loved.
Maturity
The inner being is filled with flower that carry the quality of springtime and regenerate whenever he goes. The inner flowering and the wholeness that he feels affords the possibility of unlimited movement. He can move in any direction - within and without it makes no difference as his joy and maturity cannot be diminished by externals.
Ur base is solid now and success and good fortune are urs for they are the outcome of what has already been experienced within.
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