May 23
Father, this morning I woke up wit a tot, I like Z and he doesn't like me but wants me only. So, just make the best of the moment. I will complete the course because I don't know if my unwillingness to let go is because I like him or because I haven't complete the course. Anyway, finally alas, he is returning the pleasure to me. So, no reason to discontinue.
Did my practice and I feel its another level, more freed up. Suria was effortless. Have some tots of him but it was not endless.
Also, saw the book "Expect a Miracle". First tot was there is no hope between us, then second tot, then I expect a miracle instead, either with him or someone else. So, I keep the book. In order to complete the course, I still need the hope to continue.
Transformation Card
1. Ur question
The Quest - searching for the house of God.
Gather all courage and take a jump. U will still exist, but in such a new way that u cannot connect it with the old. It will be a discontinuity. From a small dewdrop, u have become the ocean. But even the dewdrop slipping from a lotus leaf trembles for a moment, trying to hang a little more, because he can see the ocean...once he has fallen from the lotus leaf, he is gone. But it is not a loss, u will be oceanic. The oceanic of existence is unlimited.
For the realisation of ultimate truth, u have to pay the price -- and the price is nothing but dropping the ego. So, when such a moment comes, don't hesitate. Dancingly, disappear, with a great laughter, disappear; with songs on ur lips, disappear.
Soul
I was asking how to continue. He has reiterated that we are not a couple and he will find his own life partner. Its true, he has the best of times with me, both physically and mentally, but it doesn't change his plan.
So, I will definitely proceed. Already bought another 2 months of supply of contraceptives and a lubricant for the finale.
I had my first glimpse, the uncontrollable laughter and now I find my practices has a different flavour.
2. External influences that u r aware of
Love
The seed is never in danger as it is absolutely protected. But the plant is always in danger as it has to pass through a thousand and one hazards. And not all plants are going to attain to that height where they can bloom into flower, a thousand and one flowers.
Very few human beings attain to the second stage, and even more few that goes to attain the third stage, the stage of flower.
Why can't they attain the third stage, the stage of flower? Because of greed, because of miserliness, they are not ready to share ... Because of a state of unlovingness.
Courage is needed to become a plant, and love is needed to become a flower. A flower means the tree is opening up its heart, releasing its perfume, giving it soul, pouring its being into exsitence.
Don't remain a seed. Gather courage - courage to drop the ego, courage to drop the securities, courage to drop the safeties, courage to be vulnerable.
Soul
Now that I knew there is no hope but yet I have to continue, I know its requires more than courage, it requires me to lose willingly. And to do so, means I have to be in love unconditionally.
3. Inner influences u r not aware / seed of transformation that is now preparing to take root within u.
Misuse of Power - how vivekananda lost his key
The only antidote for the misuse of psychic power is love, otherwise all ur power corrupts.
Power blinds the eyes;
Love opens the eyes, love cleanses the eyes...ur perception becomes clear.
Vivekananda tries to destroy a simple man's life, he died without attaining enlightenment. Although he become Ramakrishna successor because he is a great orator, had a certain charisma, influenced people, he himself died a poor man, knowing nothing.
Soul
Possible. Like I told Z I just want to be left alone. I don't want to share, why can't they seek their own, why don't they pay the price I had to pay.
Yea, recently I had refused to help compassionately. I just give the base and I expect them to fill in the blanks. I am no longer as loving as before. I no longer want to be the saviour to all and sundry.
Even Ch whom I tot is close to me and yet didn't tell me she is going to shoonya, dented my ego a bit. Even Caroline prefer to ask LK rather than me, so there proofs that I don't exude the compassion for people to seek me.
Those who sought me are my current friends.
4. New levels of understanding that are just becoming available to u.
Ultimate Accident
Chiyono and her bucket of water.
It is not a certain sequence of causes that brings enlightenment. Ur search, ur intense longing, ur readiness to do anything - altogether perhaps they create a certain aroma around u in which that great accident becomes possible.
Chiyono; "This way and that way I tried to keep the pail together, hoping the weak bamboo would never break. Suddenly the bottom fell out. No more water, no more moon in the water, emptiness in my hand.
The ultimate accident for enlightenment happens only to those who have been doing much for it - but it never happens because of their doing. The doing is just a cause that creates the situation in them so they become accident-prone, that's all.
There is always a trigger point where the old disappears and the new starts, from where u r reborn. Suddenly u realised that everything was a reflection, an illusion, because it was seen through the mind. As the pail broke, the mind inside also broke.
Nothing was left to be done. She has earned it. This ordinary incident became a trigger point.
When there is nobody, not even u. Then u have attained the original face of Zen.
Soul
A burst of joy and laughter erupted when I reach my orgasms. And now there is another level that I need to cross. I must open up the final door.
5. The key to integration - inner understanding that u need to work on right now
No mind - the ultimate and the inexpressible
The state of no-mind is the state of the divine. God is not a tot but the experience of thoughtlessness. It is not a content in the mind; it is the explosion when the mind is content-less.
It is not an object u can see, its the capacity to see. It its not the seen but the seer. It is not like the clouds that gather in the sky but the sky when there are no clouds. It is that empty sky.
When the consciousness is not going out to any object, when there is nothing to see, nothing to think, just emptiness all around, then one falls upon oneself.
Ur inner being is nothing but the inner sky. It is the empty sky that gives space to all that is. It is the empty sky that is the background. Things come and go and the sky remains the same.
Go on in, enjoy ur inner sky. Remember whosever u can see, u r not it.
U can see ur tots, then u r not tots; u can see ur feelings, then u r not ur feelings; u can see ur dreams, desires, memories, imagination, projections, then U R NOT ONE OF THEM.
Go on eliminating all that u can see. The one day, there is nothing left to be rejected. All the seen has disappeared and only the seer is there. The seer is the empty sky.
To know it is to be fearless, and to know it is to be full of love. To know it is to be God, is to be immortal.
Soul
Tall order. But I decided to do Isha Kriya on nitely.
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