Cosmic Reward (46) - Past doesn't run me anymore

May 13

Father, today I finished meditation in record time 2 hours and 10 min compared to normal 2 hours 45 min. I cut short on relaxation mode and breathing meditation. Also today I was slightly faster in Suria.

I am now have 1.5 hour of leisure breakfast, loveliest time of the day. Among all the food I have eaten, the breakfast was the best. But I like the pork though.

Actually both of us are thinkers. I am normally mature and don't pout. And I can only pout with someone I have feelings for and I expect them to pamper me. I can pout with Z and demand his attention. I realised he does pout with me and also demand my attention.

Missed him and tot of sending him a text. Then I hesitate cos don't know if he would reply and then I be affected. Later I tot of him needing assurance from me. His ex had fling when she travel and I know I will be travelling more this year. So, in the end I text him so he will be fine.

Father, the past is gone. I am not going to let the abandonment issue to dictate my life, to prevent me from playing. So, I may get hurt but I will be alive.

I just have to remember to give him assurances instead of forcing him to seek it everytime. Let me learn to give freely. Not keep my love just because I am not sure of the outcome.

Osho
Truth is realised through three states; assimilation, independence and creativity.and they are very seminal.

1. Assimilation (the camel)
- that's the function of the larva, it simply assimilates food; it is getting ready to become a caterpillar. It is arranging; it is a reservoir. When the energy is ready, it will become a caterpillar. Before the movement, u will need great energy to move.
The caterpillar is the assimilation, complete, the work done.

2. Independence (the lion)
The larva is dropped. Now there is no need to stay in one place. The time has come to explore, the time has come for the adventure.
The caterpillar has broken the chains, starts moving.

3. Creativity (Child)

But being independent itself does not mean much. Just by being independent u will not be fulfilled. Independence for what? Freedom for what?
Freedom comes in 2 aspects. Firstly freedom from; secondly freedom for ...
U need to know freedom to create, freedom to be, freedom to express, to sing ur dance, sing ur song.
Then u become alive, living at the maximum. They burn their torch at both ends. They live in intensity, in totality.

Soul
Well, I am now facing my ultimate fear and it was not as great as my mind made it out to be. The fear is still there but I have the courage to proceed despite the fear and U will always send me guidance along the way.

Osho
Assimilation
If u assimilate the past, u r free from the past. U can use it but it cannot use u. You possess it, but it does not possess u.
The past has to be digested. Nothing wrong with the past. It is ur past.

Soul
Yeap, he didn't reply. He should be busy. And I now know that even if he doesn't reply he will keep in his mind and it will gave him reassurance.
Just when I was typing this he responded.