Cosmic Lesson (52) - To overcome abandonment is to face abandonment

May 2
Father, just did my practice. Z was in my mind, I was seeking for all the justification to end this uncertainty. Apart from his care for me during intimacy, all seems to point out that there is no hope in this rship. Since its going to be a loss game, its smart to end before I lose my heart to him. I earlier plan for 3 session and tot it would end at the most 1 month if we do it weekly. But now we have been on going for 3 months already. Its time to cut my loss and run.

An answer came, when u make a decision, u stay with it even it turns out be a nightmare; no commitment no growth.

Why do u always need to fix? What if u don't fix and let it run its course.

I entered becos I wanted him. And I knew that its also part of my transformation process to become whole. The price I have to pay is falling in love with him. And to fall in love with Z who doesn't even want my love is a big big price to pay.

I did gain many insights and change since I overcome my fear to be with him. But I am not sure if I am willing to pay the price of loving him in order to become whole. I am not magnanimous and I am not seeking enlightenment.

Father, its not only the uncertainty but to truly face the abandonment.

A tot came, I spoke to mom again about my childhood, me being taken care by others. It turns out that my mom always have helpers to take care of us. But I was so cute, so lovable that all the practising doctors wants to take care of me. So, its not a case of mom pushing me out, but its a case of people pulling me out. And the reason is because I am lovable, chubby, cheery.

Suddenly a tot occurred to me. About Z seeking assurance that he is lovable, with the aftermath of his divorce. He not only lost his wife, he lost his children. And to add to the hurt, his wife doesn't even want him to pay child maintenance, its like a dead cut.

And here I don't want to give assurance. Like I told J, I zerorised it. Because to give him such assurance without returns is like death to me. How dare he ask for my assurance when he cannot give any. Now I remember that its like sacrifice.

Anyway, now that I know I am to stay, the raving tots have silenced.

My lover, Myself
Until we learn that being truly seen and understood is both what we want most but also fear most, and that what our partner "sees" is only the part of ourselves that we cannot see, we will continue to be imprisoned by our limitations, whose existence we shrilly deny.

Each of us plays our darkest truths close to the breast, because we are afraid of losing psychological advantage. But it is precisely the loss of advantage, the willingness to set it aside, that begins the peace process. Each of us must come to realise, in his or her own time and own way, that calling forth the heroes to show love by fighting to the death will never be accepted as the courageous and loving act he or she honestly believes it to be. To prove ur love u must surrender.

Soul
A tot occurred. To overcome abandonment is to face abandonment. To face it I have to first to love the person that I am afraid to be abandon.

Aiyoh. Tall order lah. Let me go.