Cosmic Lesson (43) - abandonment acting up...but it doesnt run my life

Apr 24

What did I learn from Ja?
1. Self sabotage
2. Denial
3. Unwilling to admit mistake.


What I didn't want?
1. Volunteer - I wanted her so that I don't have to do work.
2. Reject - I didn't want to be the bad guy.
3. Anger - I didn't want to lose control.

Thanks to her, I am now doing this.
1. Volunteer as she is not reliable
2. Protect Isha
3. Assert that she is no longer core volunteer as she needs to focus on herself.

Spoke to M, we openly admit that we r scared of her as she is emotional. We also said we cannot handle her, so its best that she just become a normal volunteer. She won't be holding any items nor be responsible for anything. She can just come in to do set-up. Knowing her she is capable of wanting to take Sadhguru pix and guru pooja. I will take it.

M is in charge of class and I am in charge of sathsang, inclusive of sending mail. And Ja can volunteer as per others, but is no longer core volunteers.

(May 25 - all the drama in my mind. In the end, she was even more afraid than us. She didn't even turn up for volunteering.)

As for Z, abandonment. No call from him till noon and I was in dilemma to call or not. Anyway, I called but still no response. I left a msg for him. I learnt a new word on him from K, "unreachable".
Tots of running away came, but its enough.
What a week, of Healing - live a headless life. Move as a total being and accept things. Total acceptance, whatsoever happen. Don't react and see what happens. Suddenly u will feel an energy flowing in u that u have not felt before.

Today I made cream custard. Good.

Late Afternoon
He called me back about 3 pm when he reach home. He was out station for another funeral. He told me that there are a few death oncoming So many deaths in his extended family. So, nine of Hearts in his long range card is true.
We chat about one and half hour.
And we ended by confirming for next outing.

Father, thank U for keeping my abandonment issue at bay.

When I was chatting with Z. He said that he knows I don't like commitment. When there is not commitment, there is no growth. Yea, I said that I was forced by my brother to buy the house. I was forced to buy the car. He said he think if no one force me, I would just buy a cheaper car. I said that's true.

I just realised he force me to grow. I would have never been intimate if he didn't force me into a corner. And now alas, I realised what's the "Yes" and "No".