Apr 16 Eve
Father, today I m bit tired. I was feeling sleepy during the IE program.
Well, at least I got teacher's clearance to have a monthly potluck session for the volunteers.
Father, teacher has not improved herself after 3 years of teaching. She has not got the essence of IE and she is just parroting the tots. Actually I guess its because she relied on the system and not willing to explore and hence cannot deepen it.
Mmm, that's how learning is done, through enthusiasm exploration. Just like I have improved in sathsang, albeit contained because of ruling and fear of being found out. But during intimacy, I enthusiastically explored and like Z said my skills sets improved dramatically, exponential growth.
Today I text Z in the morning and he didn't reply. My mind went into abandonment mode and was into running. I stopped myself from projecting 'rejection' by Z. In reality he just didn't reply my text and here I can escalate it into rejection. I forgot we just spend a lovely night together and we didn't even want to separate. And he said it was excellent.
Then I begin to judge myself for my abandonment issue. Asking myself when this will end. I have been through so much with Z and open so many doors, why still have abandonment issue.
Why didn't I learn my lesson? Why did I text him which gave an impression that I care and miss him and hence put myself up for rejection.
Why didn't I hold back? Why put myself on the spot? Why put myself in a losing end possibilities? Why I still want relationship? Why don't I just drop it? With that I stop for a moment cos it suddenly occur to me my abandonment mode is the one that led me to be unexpressive with my romantic partner. As I am afraid that if I let them know I like them, they will leave me. The fact is if I don't let them know I like them, they will definitely leave me. Just like what Z said about me driving him mad, not giving him clear signal if I like him or not.
Then the lesson of the day came, this moment is inevitable. I then accept that abandonment mode is here to stay. The only thing I can do is not to get hooked and stay focus so that I won't let my abandonment mode to prevent me from becoming the loving me.
Surprisingly, after I made the decision not to let my abandonment mode rule my life, Z text me back, with a smile.
Father, check to my weekly Osho card
1. Issue - transformation
This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity".
Soul
I accepted my abandonment issue will be here to stay and it will be my life time sadhana. I will have to be constantly aware not to go back.
A answer came; u r plan time is 3 months.
So, I will be constantly aware of my abandonment issue so that it won't rule my life.
There is nothing more I can dig, except just be in the present.
2. Internal influence
Exhaustion
A man who has some ideas about how to lives, becomes hard.
That character is like an armour, his protection, his security.
We set up safe but unnatural routines from ourselves and by doing so, keep the chaotic and spontaneous. Life isn't a business to be managed, its a mystery to be lived.
Soul
I am exhausted in keeping my life away just because I am afraid of abandonment. I have not lived.
3. External
Experiencing
Experiencing is the feeling of wonder itself, the thrill of communion, the gentle touch of our connectedness with all that surrounds us.
Listen to nature.
Soul
Rain always fall and it is inevitable. The trees continue to grow despite the rain fall they still continue to live with the rain.
I tot my issue of abandonment is there. Instead of dwelling on the suffering of delayed response, worrying of future projection. Just focus on being aware that the fear doesn't prevent me from growth.
4. What is needed for resolution
Breakthough.
It is the greatest adventure in life to go through a breakdown consciously. It is the greatest risk because there is no guarantee that the breakdown will become a breakthrough.
But without facing this danger, nobody has ever become integrated, nobody has ever become an individual, indivisible.
Zen or meditation is the method which will help u to go through the chaos, through the dark night of the soul, balanced, discipline, alert. The dawn is not far away, but before u can reach the dawn, the dark night has to be passed through. And as the dawn comes closer, the night will become darker.
If u r now feeling that "enough is enough", allow urself to take the risk of shattering the old patterns and limitations that have kept ur energy from flowing. In doing so, u will be amazed at the vitality and empowerment this Breakthrough can bring to ur life.
The subject is energy, power and strength and the posture is one of exuberance and determination.
All of us occasionally reach a point when 'enough is enough'. At such time, we must do something, anything, even if it later turns out to be a mistake, to throw off the burden and restrictions that are limiting us. If we don't, they threaten to suffocate and cripple our very life energy itself.
Soul
A tot came, me breaking down my self control and trigger my abandonment mode. Me, not afraid to lose and going for what I want. Me, having to face the emotional turmoil during mental projection of abandonment.
Second tot, Z is the cosmic lesson in abandonment for me. We started our deal with no commitment. I wonder if part of me unable to go final with him because I am afraid he will reject me when he gets it!
Third tot, it was because of meditation that I had the courage to proceed. Every moment, I am ready to concede to U.
Fourth tot is from now onward I will be my loving enthusiastic self. I no longer allow my fear of abandonment, fear of uncertainty to stop me from becoming mySelf. Amen.
5. Resolution
Celebration
Life is a moment to celebrate, to enjoy. Make it fun, a celebration and then u will enter the temple.
Ur cleverness is ur disease. Don't be too wise. Always remember to stop; don't go to extreme.
True celebration arises from a joy that is first experienced deep within and spills over into an overflow of song and dance and laughter, and even tears of gratitude.
When u choose this card, it indicates u r more and more available and open to the many opportunities that are to celebrate in life and to spread this by contagion to others.
Soul
My defense mechanism of preventing my abandonment issue being triggered has cause me to shun life, especially romantic situation, even situation that will potray me for the woman that I am ready now. It is a smart move, too smart for my own good.
So, looks like Am is also like that.
Mmm, looks like this week Osho cards is good.
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