Cosmic Lesson (42) - we are both running

Apr 23
Queen of Spade - Neptune

Powerful card of spiritual attainment that overcome all challenges and changes. U will achieve success in any area of ur life by going within for ur answers and making fundamental changes in urself. Though these changes may be very difficult at times, the end results will be well worth the efforts expended.

I become a master of myself and therefore a master of everything in my life. I share the value of service with others.

Apr 23 Eve
Father, I was disturbed by a few things today. Firstly by the discussion with J, he seem to perceive that Z wanted assurance from me that I really like him before he is willing to commit. Now at last I understand why his Neptune is Eight of Heart, personal emotional power with people and partner. He does have an issue with it and hence he normally select gals who are feelers, crazy about him. So, he thinks that his assurance is obtained.

And I got irritated at that cos why should I gave him such assurances when he has arrogantly said that I don't matter to him and he repeatedly told me he only wanted my body. He has gave me turmoil and hurt me that I have closed my heart to him. (Mmm, perhaps that's why I cannot allow him full intimacy)

I cried on the way back. Angry at him for making me suffer. I said I make him eat his words, even if it detrimental to me. Then a tot came, let ur wound be healed. I realised I was attacking him because of my wound. Instead of thinking he is wounding, he is actually protecting his own wound.
I protect my wound by not having any rship. He protect his wound by ensuring total control in his rship.

I shared with J that I entered into the rship because of my personal growth. So, to me Z is just a tool. Whether we r together in the end is not the objective. My objective is just to walk the game, to complete my task. That's why part of me wanted an exit clause also. I tot if I can walk the game for 4 months, then I would completed my task.

J said that it would kill off his required assurance as I am telling him that he is just a tool/task that I have to complete.

Such chicken and egg. For me, I can only give full rein to my emotion if I received commitment from him. And he also wants the same from me. Each wanting to other to express their emotions first before they can let go of their door.
And in his case, even more drastic, he wanted to have his cake and eat it. He wanted an exit clause and yet want my commitment. He want my commitment before he opens up and if he still think we cannot work, he can exit scot free without entanglement.
A tot occur to me. First tot is such arrogance, second tot is such fear.
While I have my abandonment issue, he seems to be more fearful than me.
I cannot open cos fear of rejection and he cannot open up cos fear of failure. He wanted fool proof plan/commitment.

Anyway, from J's perspective, both of us are thinkers and playing mind games.


Osho
Understanding
U r out of jail, out of the cage; u can open ur wings and the whole sky is yours. Just drop clinging to the cage

U r being summoned by the grace and freedom and encouragement of the others. The dawn of a new understanding - that the cage has always been open and the sky has always been there for us to explore - can make us feel a little shaky at first. Its fine and natural to be shaky, but don't let it overshadow the opportunity to experience the lightheartedness and adventure on offer, right there alongside the shakiness.

Soul

As for Z, couldn't reach him. Yea, unreachable. My mind is giving me tot that he is out with another gal. He is playing me out.
But I know he could either be sleeping or driving or something. He is always in action.
I guess I was triggered by the fact that we may not see each other next week. Part of me feel that I can't complete my task and it will prolong the period of uncertainty. The other part said take it easy, at least it is still on. Yea, its just my abandonment talking.

Like J's assessment of Z. Z is also not having an easy time with me. For the first time he is dating a thinker, who doesn't feel crazy for him. So, he is unsure of how I feel and keep on seeking reassurance. And I also don't let him control the rship. And Z has some plan in his mind that he is not sharing with me until I gave him my reassurance.
Chicken and egg. Who is more brave to open up?!!!

Suddenly recalled our first rendevouz. He said he wanted me to be the Initiator so that he know I really want it. Actually again is for him to seek assurance. If I initiate, I actually like him. Now I knew about his lack of initiating. Aiyoh, this is a guy that seek assurances and want his gal to be on initiative mode , ie crazy about him.

(May 24 - even with the final door. He too said that he wanted me to be the initiator, so to confirm to myself or him that i really want it...again, another assurance.)

And here I am, a thinker with abandonment issue. My strategy is not to play, not to go out on limb, that's means not to initiate as far as possible. Infact, I initiate only after prolonged delayed gratification.

Father, u have given me a great lesson. When I pass this, any other relationship would be like a breeze. Love would then be effortless. Amen