Cosmic Reward (20) - sexual enthusiasm

Apr 3

Father, had a good walk. My left shoulder was in pain but better now. Right foot was swelling and I was contemplating to walk my usual 3 rounds or not. In the end, I did.

As I was walking, I enjoyed looking at the beautiful trees and their energy.

Tot of Z. We haven't spoken to each other since last Wed, this would be 4th day. While I have tots of him, I didn't feel compelled to call. I like this feeling. Previously, I used to have to call and worried that if I don't keep up the contact, I would be abandoned. And part of me dislike it cos its like I lost myself, that I need to be.
Now, I am at ease. Mmm, is this my mind or my real feeling.

Evening
Just finished shoonya and samyama.
I want to know that just because there is no contact, doesn't mean we forget one another, doesn't mean that its abandonment.

Was updating my blog. Saw how all the negative tots were unreal. Also recalled his ESTJ. If I expect him to call, will have to wait very long. For him, his deal in the rship was to make sure he got his Phd, his business on track so he can go out with me. For him, always 'future'. (May 20 - so naive. He is on track so he can get his marriage plan on track, it has nothing to do with me.)

Anyway, called him but no reply.
Father, I will just be myself. I like him and I am no longer afraid of abandonment. So, if he doesn't like my style, fuck it. I no longer care. Main thing is just to be myself.

Mind is acting up on his no response. But I no longer get hooked. Father, no wonder I meet people who takes things personally in office, cos I am one of them too, albeit in different arena.

Osho - Kabir
The 'religious' person is one who makes 'wonder' his very style: he lives in wonder, he breathes in wonder, he walks in wonder. Everything creates wonder in him - a pebble or a dry leaf is as wondrous as anything.
If u have the eyes of wonder then the miracle is everywhere; it is spread all over the place.
If u can learn wonder, u have learned all. If u can become innocent again as u were in ur childhood, u r very close to God.

Soul
I am seeing wonder in every plants and trees. And to me is a miracle to behold such beauty and aliveness everyday. They took my breathe away, they make me sing with them.
Father, I realised I also approached intimacy with childlike enthusiasm and its great I have a partner that is patient and willing to let me explore.

Osho - Kabir
That's why Jesus says; "unless u r like children, u will not enter into my kingdom of God."
The kingdom is not be gained, eyes have only to be regained, rediscovered - and it is not a difficult phenomenon, because u once had those eyes. They r only covered with dust. Remove the dust and again things will become beautiful, again things will have meaning and significance.

Soul
Tots come again and this time pix of his ex-gal. I ignored it.

Osho - Kabir
The mind is never here. The moment the mind is here, it disappear. In the present, the state of no-mind blooms. Minds can exist either in the past or in the future; it cannot exist in the present.
It either goes backward to the past, u stir up memories, nostalgia, wounds, hurts, pleasure, u go into the past and u start remembering them or u start planning for the future, desires, imaginations, project.
With these two, the mind is perfectly happy, mind has space to rush, run to go from one place to another. Mind is a monkey. It cannot remain patient, its always in a hurry.

Soul
I experience that.
Took panandol.

Osho
The mind feeds on the non-existential. Because it lives on the non-existential, it cannot be existent itself, it is a shadow, not a reality.
One has to stop rushing and running. That's what meditation is all about: stopping the mind herenow, bringing it to present.

Soul
Thank U for this book. I recalled I wasn't that into it. But now that I am experiencing wonder, I feel it.

Its an hour, still no response. I am going to sleep.