Cosmic Reward - enjoy the present, forget about what I know

May 10

Father, yea, I am feeling lethargic. Felt sleepy. Had tots of Z and I project that he will be noncommittal when I declare that I have feelings for him.

Wait, do I love him?

Mmm, a tot occurred to me late yesterday evening. INTP tend not to be expressive and doesn't give feedback to their partner. My remedy was to be expressive on my feelings.

It could be true cos otherwise why does Z need to ask me what I feel about, how much I tot of him and etc every time we met.
Actually I tot I was obvious in my feeling, looks like I am not. Or perhaps he was comparing me to those feelers that he dates. Those that are crazy about him, pamper him, gave each other pet name, name him special on their mobile. Well, I don't do all that.

Actually for me, he is in my heart, my mind. He affects my mood.

1. Issue
Clinging to the Past
Past, present and future are not the tenses of time, they are tenses of the mind.
Don't cling. Clinging simply create misery. You will have to let go.

Soul
Perhaps I should forget about Z's reiteration that I am not important to him. I know I am important now. Also to forget that Z is unchangeable, forget about Z"s plan of having babies. Forget about my unlovability.

Just focus on now, Z and I have something good going on. Just gave my commitment to grow it. Whatever will be will be.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Laziness
When u r lazy, u have no energy, simply feel dull, sleepy.
What u have now is not ur final destination. The journey isn't over yet, as that white bird flying into the vastness of the sky is trying to show. Ur complacency might have arisen from a real sense of achievement, but now its time to move on.

Soul
Yea, last week I tot I already achieved so much with Z and I don't have to continue. Of course, emotion comes. Looks like I still have not take the plunge. I have to go all the way with Z, not only physically but emotionally.

Also, my writings. I tot it end here. Anyway, I opened up yday and gave my site to regional boss. So, will see.

3. External Influence of which u r aware
The Fool
A fool is one who goes on trusting, he goes on trusting against all his experience.
Don't try to create a wall of knowledge around u. Whatsoever experience comes to u, let it happen and then go on dropping it. Go on cleansing ur mind continuously, go on dying to the past so u remain in the present, herenow, as if just born, just a babe.
And each time u don't allow situations to corrupt u, that opportunity will become an integration inside. Ur soul will become more crystalised.

If u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of the rightness, u cannot go wrong. Ur actions may appear 'foolish' to others, or even to urself, if u try to analyse them with rational mind.

But the zero place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience. At this moment, the Fool has the support of the universe to make this jump into the unknown.

Soul
Yea. I will jump.

4. What is needed for resolution
Slowing down
Do whatsoever u r doing, but at the deepest core remain at ease, cool, calm and centred.
We carry our home with us. There is no need to seek shelter elsewhere. Even as we move into the depths of emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachment.

Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.

Soul
Yea. My meditation has led me this far and I am healed. I am ready to take the plunge with Z, regardless of the outcome. In then, I have my own home within me.

5. Resolution
Guilt
When the achieving mind arises, u lose contact with the paradise u r in.

Soul
Yea, just focus on the Now.

Such irony. Everytime I decided on going off, I fall in deeper. The first time was trip to S'pore and I decided not to commence after our second date. But with Sadhguru's msg, I took the plunge and we started. Now I decided not to go in deeper and her I am taking the plunge. My rship with him is like with Isha. Loads of resistance, but once decision is made, I will take the plunge.


May 10 Eve
What a coincidence. Today I really missed Z. Tot of calling him when I am at the airport tonight.

I had late lunch and then got down to go to the bank. And he was there infront of the lobby. What a coincidence. He told me he was waiting and was pondering to call me. Mmm, I am not sure about that.
Anyway, I came down and saw him and he was engaged on the line. I wanted to walk off so he stop his phone. For the first time, I hug him in public and we chatted a few moments as I wanted to rush to bank and he has his partner waiting for him.

Surprisingly he called me later to ask if I am fine. He said I don't look fresh. True, I was feeling flustered and has some heat rashes. We chatted for a bit and we agreed to chat further tonight