May 17
Father, I am feeling unsure now. My mind is going back to the past. I am trying to get back to the present, our last conversation.
Frankly the one time I am sure he wanted me was when he got back from the trip. I know he is a good person and he cares for me but I tot he would do so for anyone too.
I always says he doesn't show he likes me. And here he is always asking how much I like him. So, he does know I like him but he doesn't know how much only. Whereas for me, I doesn't even know if he likes me the way I did.
When I managed to come back to the present, the mind starts to say that I don't want children and he wants them. So, why start something that is going to separate in the end. Why not end now? He has always been upfront about wanting marriage and children. For me, I was just non-commital.
Both feet are swelling. Looks like I cannot join tour. So, the mind says, that's why we should not have children. And Z is so energetic, he deserves someone healthy. Father, why my mind is pushing me away from Z. For the first time, I can see us turning into a rship but the mind is coming in. I wonder if Z feels that too. Net is that I don't feel secure, I don't know if I am loved by him.
Aiyoh, I used the word love, why?? I cannot be in love with him. How? Here I told him to end in June and here I am going in deeper. Father, let me go to my heart center.
Father, I read Osho card. For a moment, I tot instead of lamenting why I should not be with Z. Why don't I use my energy to create reasons of why Z and I be made for each other.
Z is definitely doing that. He said I am inward and he is outward and we complement each other. He is hard working and I am lazy bum and we complement each other. So, let's work on being together. We have a lot of things going on for us.
Yea, first time going positive instead of negative!
Today's card - Eight of Hearts
Suddenly tot of Z. His ex had flings when she travel overseas. So, while he seem non responsive when I text him once and now mail him (telling him he is in my mind), I am sure he is appreciative and will share in our post mortum. Father, I want to be like him, to have courage to ask questions so that I can clear my uncertainties. I myself would prescribe others to do it. Key word; why suffer in silence? Perhaps suffering was unnecessary. Pain in short term, suffering is long term. So, I will ask whenever I feel uncertain especially he has already said he is bad in expressing his feelings.
(Mar 28) - a good reminder.
Osho
When u laugh, u r closest to divine. Whenever u love, u r closest to the divine. Whenever u sing and dance and make music, that is what real religion is about
Love knows how to go into unknown. Love knows how to throw away all securities. Love know how to move into the unfamiliar and the unchartered. Love is courage. Trust love.
Soul
This is helpful.
Suddenly it occur to me. If in my negative mind I keep on thinking he doesn't want me becos of the children issue. I wonder if in his mind, he tot I don't want him becos of the children issue.
Mmm, isn't this the projection that is in my this week card. So, instead of hiding, why don't we share our view about children. And since he tot I don't want him permanently, he too cannot give himself to me. And here I tot he doesn't want me permanently I too cannot give myself to him. Aiyah, we r both fools. The children thingy is in future. For now, we wanted each other a lot and we r committed to each other.
Yeah, he did reply to my mail. He thanked me for the mail. I know he appreciate it that he was in my mind. And he also signs off as Robert De Niro, his nick name.
Yeah, he been wanting to have a nick name for us. Frankly m not keen but looks like he is serious. I wish he writes more and say how he feel. Alas he doesn't. But the fact he replied and say thank u, it means he wanted my mail.
Father, I must look at him from another angle and I must start to ask him questions instead of hiding myself in insecurities. Corner him like he always corner me. Ha ha.
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