Cosmic Lesson (60) - Abandonment surfaced...but I am staying

May 22

Father, suddenly my feeling is out. I wanted to have a normal couple relationship with Z. But he doesn't want to as he had plainly and clearly told me.

True he does like me and want me but I don't fit into his plan of marriage and children. So, he didn't put his emotion into it.

Perhaps I am lying to myself for thinking I can do it. I don't feel proud of this. I feel I am selling myself short. I can't say I love him but I know I want him as a partner and I don't want to be in a relationship that I have to hide and hold back myself.

Am I kidding myself that I can continue?

I now need to accelerate as I want to go all the way before I took the exit. True, I may hurt more, but I am already in and it make no difference. But at least I achieved what I set out to do which is to physically transform myself sexually.
So, it has to end by 31 Aug.

Read my blog again and I realised I was on running mode with my fear of abandonment. I was expressing my hurt. I tot alas we can be a couple, but instead he reiterated we are not and expect me to leave by year end and he is fine with that. Its like 2 step forward and 1 step backward. But the good thing is that I finally got my first peak with him, at least I got some benefits out of this.
And he has helped me overcome taking things personally. Yea, it was suffering but blessing in disguise.
In the end, he is great as my first sexual partner. For that I thank him.
Yea, when I don't compare with the joneses, I am fine. That's my growth path.

The science of mind
Great as the subconscious is, its tendency is set in motion by the conscious tot, and in this possibility lies the path of freedom.
The karmic law is not kismet. It is not fate but cause and effect. It is a taskmaster to the unwise; a servant to the wise.

Soul
I want to rise above this.
I want to stay but everytime he talk of his future that exclude me, I wanted to leave. He now even predict when I will leave.

Just bought 2 more stacks of pills and even bought a lubricant. I am committed to full rship with him.

Osho
To be free of pain, the pain has to be accepted inevitably and naturally. Pain is pain. Suffering, however is only and always the refusal of pain, the claim that life should not be painful.

Soul
Tot of me and Z. Well, at least its openly declared that we will end. So, now its how we want to live it before it ends. For me, I want to be liberated physically and emotionally from the fear of abandonment.