Fear of marriage (3) (now opening up)

Mar 29

Father, just tot why I am not keen on marriage, loss of control. Your husband and children life takes precedence. I do have a traditional view of a wife.
Perhaps that's why I judge my second sis. She just earned her money by being a teacher inside and outside. To me, she doesn't play the role of wife and mother.
With first sis, she does but she also has to earn money because the husband is in retirement.
Basically, once u got married, ur life is not ur own.
And my mom, with dad being bankrupt and then his paralysis, her life changed totally. Still cares for the six children and grandchildren.
I guess I am seeing only the payout, I wonder what do they get??

Father, Seven of Heart as my life time challenge.
Seven is balance of love. I can swing between selfishness and sacrifice.
When I am selfish, I don't want any rship. When I am sacrificial, I am afraid of rship.
The question is balance.

INTP
Outside of a relationship, they feel more unloved and unappreciated, but are afraid to commit to a relationship because they fear rejection and hurt.

Evening
Was having dilemma in calling or not. Not sure who to listen to. Did my shoonya - answer came; the game has to continue.
I was laughing throughout shoonya.
Yea loh, so much drama. The game has started and I will continue.
Call him but voice mail. The mind immediately judged. But I know I did the right thing.

Yeap, now updating my blog. We have come a long way. I need not take things personally. Don't take everything as abandonment. He has been caring for me the ways I can't imagine. Its true he doesn't call or etc. But when it comes to action, he does it. I remember I told him he has no forms of caring, but he got substance in caring.

Pluto - Seven of heart
U will learn to rise to a new way of being in a personal relationships that is more healthy and expansive than those in the past. This means u have to face ur personal fears that have chained u to automatic reactions that are less than what u ultimately desire for urself. This will not always be an easy process. U may feel betrayed or even abandoned by others in the process.

Soul
Yeap, I connect with higher source. Father, what I am going to do is whenever dilemma arise, just go inward and asked the answer.

Ekhart Tolle
U don't need to change ur partner; u don't need them to behave differently so that u can be happy.

Soul
Yea. Here I asked for responses, which he doesn't give. But whenever we r intimate, he would do caring and protective things that I never expect. And it makes me feel good.

Again, thanks for sending Z. A real good lesson.