Cosmic Lesson (51) - still pondering..but opening up

May 1 Eve

Father, I cannot open up to Z physically as I cannot allow myself to open up emotionally. Somehow I knew both are tied together. To open up physically is to open up the emotional love gate and that will only leave me heart broken.

He once asked me why I want to run away. He asked if its because he is non responsive and I replied nope.
Actually I am afraid of my emotional love gate. He has already laid down his terms that I accepted. So, I cannot blame him. But I am afraid if I open up I cannot close it back and the wound will be gaping and I don't know how to fix myself up then.

My lover, Myself
In the gender myth, Natalie is a Fixer and she wants a Fixer hero in bed to ravish her. There is something about the Fixer in bed which wants to fix and be fixed.

Susanna Moore's book in the Cut
What are u doing? I whispered. Eventhough I knew. It was as if I had to pretend that I did not know what he was about to do to me. Opening what was closed. Insisting. Fixing me. Unsealing me. At last.
I who did not wish to belong to one man. I who did not wish to belong to anyone. I did not want to be fixed, to be held down, the closed opened, the heart broken.

Soul
Not sure but somehow I relate to it. Part of me wants it but another part doesn't want it. And I do wish Z is able to ravish me (fix me) but he is so caring and would not go against my wishes. Unfortunately I have conflicting wishes. And I need to be fixed before I can go there. Its like I need a strong shot.

The mature part of me don't want to be fixed, I want to open up naturally. But to do that I have to open my emotional love gate and I can't afford to do so in this rship as love is to be excluded.
Part of me think that if love is to be excluded, just fixed me so we can end it. But he wants to go slow and when he does that I am falling in deeper as part of me love that he likes to hug me and hold me in bed.
And part of me also afraid if he fixed me, emotional love gate will open involuntarily. So either way I am stuck.

My lover, Myself
Wholeness is still the highest goal of life. Understanding ourselves sexually is one of the essential requirements on the path to that goal. The sages knew that husband and wife could not explore the sexual realm without dealing also with their personal and spiritual issues, all the barriers to intimacy. We must learn to enjoy and develop our understanding of our sexual natures in order to develop intimacy with ourselves and others and to grow spiritually.

Soul
I know and that's why I am going thru with Z.

Father, my mind telling me Z, the Survivor wants a Protector. Even his destiny card says so. My mind telling me we have no outcome at all.
An alternative tot came in, but our Destiny and Ruling card says that we are compatible romantically. He sees me as his Venus and Mercury. Whereas I sees him as my Pluto and Saturn. Since I can now see the potential reward, so it could also be true that he too sees me.

Aiyah, I am a strong tree and Z happens to be the tree next to me.