Without commitment, there is no growth

Apr 24 Eve

Father, a tot just occurred to me. Today we were discussing about commitment. He keep on telling me without commitment, there is no growth. He said that he guess and I confirmed that I am afraid of material commitment. He has always says that I don't want commitment.

Father, isn't it such a paradox. I keep on saying he created such a turmoil in me because he said we will not have commitment in this rship. Perhaps he did this because he is aware that I won't go with him because of my commitment phobia.

Mmm, I said he didn't want to commit and he said I cannot commit. What a pair!

Father, just like J who doesn't want to go with the flow because he is afraid of failure. I am also that. J is a King of Club and I am a Queen of Diamond. It is more difficult for us to lose and so we don't want to invest in it. Commitment to us means investment.

An insight came.
Without commitment, there is no growth.
This is similar to what Sadhguru said about if u have make a decision to accept a challenge. Then u have to stick with it even if it becomes a nightmare. If u oscillate between yes and no, u cannot grow and u also makes others confused with ur dilemma.

Father, this is similar to my this week Osho's card of Schizophrenia.
Firstly, I am committed to stay with Z. I will not run.
My commitment has been oscillating whenever abandonment issue arise, which is quite frequent as Z is mostly unreachable. He put his mobile on silent mod whenever he is out on gathering, funeral or etc. He needed to do so because he wanted to filter the interruption from business calls. He also did the same when he is with me. Whereas, I don't do that.

A tot also came on how my abandonment issue operate. The strategy is not to open up ourselves for any possible rejection. So, I would not show him that he is in my mind, out of fear that he has an upper hand.
I wonder if that's the reason why I have not open up physically to him yet. I am afraid if I open up, the pain of rejection would be greater cos now he becomes part of me. And if he abandon me, the pain will be great.
Its the same of why I cannot commit. If I commit myself, the pain of abandonment will be greater.

Such a paradox.

I cannot open up because I am afraid of subjecting myself to greater pain of abandonment. If I don't open up, I won't get abandon, I won't get hurt. If I don't commit, I won't get abandon, I won't get hurt.

He cannot commit unless I open up, unless I commit first.

My lesson is not to change him. So, I cannot ask for his commitment. He doesn't has a problem in commitment. However he has a confidence problem that my liking for him will stay. He needed assurance from me. He wants me to surrender first. He wants me to commit first. His fear is more than mine as it has already happen.

My fear is in my mind only, in the past and projection of past. So, actually to ask me to open up is easier than to ask him.

Instead of seeing it as surrendering myself to him. I can see it as liberating myself from my abandonment issue. And I really want him in me.

I also realised that if both of us cannot commit, there is no growth in the rship too. He cannot commit as he is not ready and he also tot I don't want commitment. I cannot commit out of fear.

(May 25 - I finally realised that there IS NOTHING TO LOSE)