Cosmic Reward (27) - abandonment no longer rules me

Apr 28 Eve

Father, thank U.
I was on medical today as was purging since yesterday. So, its a blessing that we couldn't make it today.

My lover, Myself by David Kantor
As we grow older, we stop entering our Personal Myth, because it is so filled with pain, shame and humiliation. Whenever we enter our past and encounter these feelings, we r close to the center of our being.

Typically, we are frightened off from the healing waters which await us there and don't penetrate deeply enough into the story. The work that must be done is to confront painful memories and wounds of the past, forgive the people who were involved, and reconnect with the joyful, loving child in all of us, for it is that child in u who speaks the language of love and desire.

Soul
I have done my exploration. Not sure about Z. That's why I want him to go for BSP.
This is similar to healing card in Osho. Thanks to Z, I open up my wound and let go of my past. Now I just need to be aware on not projecting new wound.

(May 25 - these days I can bend backward comfortably. Teacher said that if you cannot bend backward, it means that you are afraid of your past.)


My Lover, Myself
When we fall in love it is the children in each of us who are connecting and playing together. And it is when intimate partners lose that childlike openness that they begin to drift apart.

Soul
Mmm, I am generally open like a child. And I found that I am enthusiastic and like exploration in intimacy.
On Z, not sure about him. He is just focused to remind me that sex is an important element for him in a relationship. Whenever I go off tangent into platonic matters, he would bring me back into the sexual element between us. I guess its good as I am intuitive and can be in the head, whereas he operates on senses. However since he is a thinker, he doesn't let his feelings run away.

My lover, Myself
Abandonment
As a consequence of what had happened to him in childhood, Henry was forever afraid of losing the people whom he loved and so he had hidden behind a shell of apparent indifference, afraid to love with all his heart for fear that he would be betrayed and abandoned again.

This had kept him from giving himself to Susan. He had been trapped in this netherworld for most of his marriage, afraid that he would be deserted, and he had almost brought down upon himself exactly this desperately feared abandonment because of his equally strong fear of opening himself up, expressing his love and being thrown away again.

Soul
I do have abandonment issue. I wonder if this is the reason why I haven't open up myself to Z. Aiyah, let it be lah. Mind is saying Z would drop me if I don't open up. Well, whatever will be will be.

My lover, myself
The emotion that arose so long ago in response to feeling unloved still exist within each of us a a barrier to our deepest desire and motivations.
The strength of ur shadow in the Personal Myth depends upon where the psyche positions itself along each continuum. For example, a shadow born of shame is more destructive than one born of guilt.
Still seeking proof of love from those around u, in adulthood ur shadow makes u act like a disappointed child, desperate to feel loved but also revisiting these strong emotions which cause u to act in ways that are guaranteed to keep u from seeming lovable to ur partner.

Soul
He wants me to show my love, but he himself is not opening up. And yet he also doesn't want my love.

My lover, Myself
Everyone yearns for someone, who truly sees and understand them.
The adult's longing for a mate with a particular characteristics derives from the small and large betrayals of childhood.
Stories about our parents are not only actual memories, but also stories that tell the myths we live by and that account for our feelings.