Cosmic Lesson (57) - Ready to complete the course

May 9 Aft
Father, D said I have already invested the emotion in Z.

I told D that he is always asking me why I am attracted to him, why I stayed with him. He also like it whenever I said I prefer his approach.

Father, actually the other day when I gave him the service, I already know I am in. If I am not in, I would have ignored his request. And I think he made the request to show to himself how much I want him.

And he asked me to join him on the trip. When I said nope, he didn't like it. I too ponder about joining him cos I want to spend time with him. Looks like I have invested my emotion.

I told D that he said "let's get married", "do u want to marry me?". I ignored his question and didn't reply him. He persisted and I said since he is joking only I don't have to reply. D said that's his way of testing me. He wants to marry me but put in a joking manner.

Is he the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with?


May 9 Eve

I shared with D on Z. I told her that he didn't want to cancel our date despite having outstation trip. And when he finally reach our place at 1 am, he wants me immediately.
D said that show Z not only like me a little, he likes me a lot.
I told her Z said he is used to such travel and besides he always tell me that I am not in his mind. D said then I am definitely in his mind.

I told D that both Z and I really like to snuggle to each other. D said that confirmed that we are both already invested emotionally. Infact she said it started on our second date. Maybe true cos that's the first time I snuggled on top of him and we listen to music for about one hour. That's also when he asked me if I wanted to have children. He also said money is not important, companionship is important. But I blow it off by saying I haven't tot about it.

I also recalled he once asked me why I always wanted to run. He asked if its because he was not responding. Out of pride I said no. I should have told him yes. Because the truth is I am afraid of being abandoned, feeling hurt. Guess deep down I felt I was unlovable. But that was back in the past, I know now I am lovable.

And the reality is while Z keep on reiterating that he doesn't has feeling for me, he show his care in many ways. And for someone who supposedly doesn't care, he really wanted me and keep the relationship on track.

As for me, while I keep on reiterating that I wanted to run, I am staying.

Father, let's face it. Z won't back down as his fear is much more than mine. His unlovability has been 'proven', whereas mine is mostly in my head.

So, I will take the plunge instead. I will do it when I come back from overseas. I am not sure what's the outcome but I want him. And that's the truth.