Cosmic Reward - opening up , outcome is New Me, not him

Apr 5

Father, today I am having an expensive breakfast. I can afford it but don't think I be doing it daily.

Father, not sure of how Z would react to my msg. But I do like he took the initiative to call back twice. This morning I was thinking it will be good that he can pick me up for lunch now and then.

A tot came, this week lesson is to drop my personality. M's mention of me in rship stirred me. She said I am so strong, she wonder how would I behave in a rship. She cannot imagine me being a come-hither person. I told her I am my normal self, except I do get angry and I can seek pampering from Z. He is a caring person, he takes care of me physically. I am not touchy feely and neither is Z.

My Osho - drop my personality. Actually my msg of missing him. Mmm, can't recall if I ever done it before. Mmm, I normally don't verbalise my feelings.

And that's what my weakness in rship is, I don't verbalise. I don't give feedback. I won't give in, I won't display.

To me its like being vulnerable, loss of self control, opening up, telling people u r available, putting urself up for rejection. Aiyoh, so many hang ups.

No wonder Z said there was no signal at all that I was keen on him. To me, the fact that I was not feeling my normal self is already a give away. Actually, perhaps its my inner feel and its not displayed. Normally if I feel unsure inner, I would avoid the person who give me such feeling. When I like someone, I become unsure and rejection and abandonment follows, so I would 'reject' the person first. Aiyoh, no wonder. To me, my issue is fear of losing myself, my control, my certainty, my calmness.

Father, today I text 3 persons for Isha. Normally I won't do this. I even text V.

Father, Z is really my Cosmic Lesson/Reward. Whenever I open up to him, other parts of me open up.

Father, tot of Z again. Wonder how he react to my msg, I am still not sure if he welcome me missing him. That is an outright verbalisation. Anyway, it doesn't matter his response. I am still intact and me verbalising to him has led me to open up my hidden belief of my feeling on rship, commitment, marriage and etc.

Osho
U think u r separate from Existence, that u have to prove urself, that u have to attain something, do something. U r not separate, u cannot be separate. Not for a single moment can u live without being in God. Even when u deny God, God goes on showering life into u.

Soul
True.

Osho
The moment u think u r one with the whole, there is relaxation; a sudden let-go happens. U need not keep hold of urself, u can relax. There is no need to remain tense, because there is no private goal to be attained by u. U flow with God.
Then u live a relaxed life, then trust is born in u. Then u r no longer struggling, then there is no conflict, no fight. There is nobody to fight with and nobody to fight.

Soul
Father, I seem to have lost the nudge to dance to music. Now just looking at trees with contentment. I just feel at ease.
On Z, no idea on outcome. I just know he is my Cosmic lesson/Reward and he is the doorway to all my hidden beliefs.

Father, a tot occurred to me. I was so daring and courageous in new jobs and yet the opposite in romantic rship.
Now that I have conquered office environment, I will use the energy to conquer my romantic rship.
Z is a great start. A worst possible scenario, a real challenge which I took up. The worst is over and I am reaping the benefits. I now realised the outcome is not him, is a new me. I found my power in rship.

Eight of Spade
U will find urself experiencing more power. Success is indicated. Power come from focusing our will, a narrowing down of areas of our interest. Because of this, we often lose focus in less important areas while we gather force in one.

Soul
Exactly, from today onward, I will use some of my unutilised work energy for rship.

Its now 10 am, still no reply from Z. The old me would freak out. The mind also telling me. But I don't care. This is me. I like u and it doesn't reduce because u don't or can't accept. And my lovability is intact. Hurray!