Cosmic Reward (34) - Z is focused on us

May 3 Aft (

Afternoon
Father, mmm, saying No to boss is still not easy. But I still have to say it. Surprisingly I am not resenting her for asking. I know its her.

Father, Z is the one that holds the rship together. Here I am always trying to run. Here I said I am committed.
Him telling me about my response to him and he felt about me all shows that I am in his mind and he has been thinking about me. Actually his talks is always centred about me and him.
Whereas I don't. I avoid it. I would be talking about something abstract or about other people. His topic is always about me and him.

Father, this is a New Vision. How come I didn't realise this. He always asked about how I felt about him, what I like about him, how I felt about commitment. Me, don't even ask. Actually I don't ask things about him and he is the one who offers to tell me everything. Like he said he exposed all to me.

Father, I realised that I was so engrossed with my fear of abandonment, the sense of powerlessness that I didn't see how Z is managing us. He is playing it light because he is worried I would run off due to my fear of commitment.

What is commitment to me?
1. Responsibility
2. Never ending
3. Have to do things u may not like
4. Cannot say no.
5. Loss of independence
6. Dependence
7. Powerlessness
8. Cannot run
O


May 3 Eve
Father, I have text J willingly. We do need volunteer and she wants to come back. She didn't respond. Looks like her Protector's shadow is very heavy.
I am surprised at myself. The old me would be feeling affronted but the new me just accept it.
Who knows while she didn't respond, she has decided to come. Will see. Like teacher says she cannot stay away.

Osho
Freedom to do anything u want to do is not true freedom.
Freedom to do anything is because of wanting, desiring to do something, arises out of the mind.

Soul
To me freedom is not having to do anything.
Hence I associate freedom with no commitment.

Osho
True freedom is to be urself. Love is the flowering of ur freedom. Compassion, another flowering.
So, don't connect freedom with independence. Independence is naturally from something, from somebody. Don't connect freedom with doing things that u want to do, because that is ur mind, not u.

To be totally FREE, one needs to be totally aware, because our bondage is rooted in our unconsciousness; it does not come from outside.
The moment one takes responsibility for oneself ...and remember it is not always roses, there are thorns as well...then only such person can be free.

Soul
I tot I am free cos I strategise not to have thorns. But this strategise, while self-protecting led to stagnancy.

Live life in all its agony and all its ecstasy - both are urs. And ectasy cannot live without agony, and joy cannot exist without sadness.