Cosmic Reward (11) - to open up and heal my abandonment

Mar 26 Eve

Father, the mind is active. This time saying I should not be happy with the relationship with Z, I must remember that it is only an affair. I must put a time frame so that I won't get hurt. I should not let this prolong as we are both enjoying ourselves too much. We want different things and don't want to disappoint each other.

I hear the tots and I replied that we are both single. Why worry? And it is not as if there is anyone else at the moment. So, there is no opportunity lost. I will continue. I no longer listen to my mind.

Now I know perhaps me not opening up completely is a happy issue as it inadvertently prolong our relationship. And I think Z knew that, because even on first day he said he wants us to go slow and steady.

Father, I am not sure where Z and I will turn up but it no longer matter as he has enable so many changes in me. Lots of things I tot I couldn't do has now been done. So, he has helped to make me doubt my mind further, has helped me broaden my horizon. Alas, I am glad I have him in my prayers.

(May 17 - Its 2 months later and we are still on. But the drama in the mind is still there. Reading this journal makes me aware that the tots in my mind is not real. I need not listen nor follow.)

I have given him my website. Not sure if he will read but I have a feeling he would.

(May 17 - yeah, he read it. And now he thinks that we complemented each other as I am inward looking whereas he is outward.)

The Power of Now
Many illnesses are created through fighting against the cycles of low energy, which are vital for regeneration. The compulsion to do, and the tendency to derive ur sense of self-worth and identity from external factors such as achievement, is an inevitable illusion as long as u r identified with the mind. This makes it hard or impossible for u to accept the low cycles and allow them to be. Thus the intelligence of the organism may take over as a self-protective measure and creates an illness in order to force u to stop, so that the necessary regeneration can take place.

The cyclical nature of the universe is closely linked to the impermanence of all things and situations. As long as a condition is judged as "good" by ur mind, whether it be a relationship, a possession, a social role, a place or ur physical body, the mind attaches itself to it and identifies with it. It makes u happy, makes u feel good about urself and it may become part of who u r or think u r. But nothing ever lasts in this dimension.