Fear of marriage (2) (now opening up)

Mar 25 Eve

I avoid marriage as I don't think I can do the job of wife well. I also don't like the job.

Father, again its unhappiness that drives me. I avoid marriage because I don't think I can be a good wife and mother. I do have a traditional view of wife, I view the wife as mother earth, as the soil for both husband and children.

The reason why I know I can't have Z is that he want marriage and children. Something that I am not willing to commit due to fear of failure. Now I realised its my own traditional expectation of a wife and mother.
But the more I get to know, he doesn't have the same expectation of a wife.
So, perhaps it is just my own judgement.

Mmm, a day has past. I remind myself this is just an affair, don't put my emotion into it. What I remember was the laughter we had, when I was feeling sleepy and didn't realise I was reversing the slides. He tot at first that it was intentional, then he knew I didn't know and was hoping that I come to my senses. Alas I didn't and he had to voice it out as he can't stand my blurness. We have such good laughter. I will miss that.