Fear of marriage (now opening up)

Mar 25

Father, we had a great time yesterday. Ironically we have grown closer.

Again he asked me about why I don't want to get married. He asked apart from commitment, what else.
Marriage is a full time job. If I get married, I cannot have other job. Thats means marriage is sacrifice. I cannot imagine loving anyone to make that sacrifice. Marriage is responsibility to children, to husband to relatives. I saw my mom giving everything to us, cooking, cleaning and doing everything for the children, for the husband. And I am not sure she has anything left. But looking at her now, I know she is happy when we are happy. And she now releases us and build her own sphere of friendship.

I take marriage as a huge commitment, with load of responsibility. Below are some of the things I feel a wife should be:
1. Be supportive of husband in his venture
2. Make sure husband is never over-work. Don't give him pressure
3. Make sure husband is taken care of in bedroom.
4. Make sure husband and children are dress well.
5. Ensure children and husband feel well loved.

All these the wife has to do even if she is not feeling great. It is a tireless job.

(Mar 27 - I have such a traditional archic view of the role for a wife....I never realised that. Thanks to Z, who continues to prod me...alas I see my beliefs...which I want to change...)

Listening to Z, he doesn't seem to expect anything from the wife. Wife doesn't cook, doesn't take care of children, doesn't take care of him, doesn't do his clothes, doesn't ensure he eat well, doesn't take care of household. Being his wife sounds so easy. He seems to be doing everything on his own, from taking care of himself to his children.
Actually Seven of Spades, just like MF. MF's wife expect him to provide finance and yet still insist that he buys bread and fetch the children on daily basis whenever he is not travelling.

For me, I already have responsibility at work, I don't think I can afford to be responsible to my family.

Even at work, I still feel responsible over my ex-staff. I still take care of them. No wonder they are still with me despite the fact that we r no longer working together.

So, to me, if I still hold responsibility over my ex-staff and sometimes friend. To me, the responsibility over marriage, to children and husband is huge, even overwhelming. And worst thing is that it is for lifetime, never ending. So, I cannot put myself in such a position of sacrifice.

I admire my mom the most for her sacrificial love but she is one person I don't want to be, also because of her sacrificial love.

Destiny Card - Queen of Diamond
Result - Cosmic Reward Card/ 2nd Karma (Benefits) Card
Nine of Diamond - Universal Values - The Giver.
Nine of Diamond likes to have someone to talk to and prefer relationship with those who are witty and smart. Marriage is usually karmic or destined, and often long-lasting. They tend to have traditional values about marriage, are very giving people and are typically easy to get along with.
They usually sees marriage as a 'job' entailing many responsibilities and their families are often the major source of the work they do in this life time.

(Soul - May 17 - I must be positive today. Suddenly instead of seeing things negatively. I view that since it is my 2nd karma card, taking care of my family would be effortless as it is all about managing. And I am good in managing. So, even if I have children, I can manage the household and them too. Besides, Z is not demanding and I know he will let me be. So, lets stay positive.)


The Nine of Diamond developed an awareness of the universal laws being manifested in their life. Those who take a thoughtful approach to the events of their life will realise that for each thing they supposedly lose, new avenues are opening and they are getting more in touch with the cosmic flow.

When they truly released their attachments, spiritual gifts are showered down upon them. They realise the beauty in releasing things in their life that are holding them back from a new and more beautiful life that is just now emerging. They begin to identify with a much larger image of themselves, one that includes the needs of others as well as their own.

The result is that they are happy and enlightened, having made the transition to a more universal approach to life. The universal, rather than personal, point of view is the ultimate destination for all.
Many of them use their charm and power to do good work. Many of them are destined to make contributions to the world often by leading others to a higher form of knowledge or understanding.

Soul
Yeap, I finally reach this level.