Cosmic Reward (13) - to open up and heal my abandonment

Mar 28

Father, the mind is giving me lots of negative tots. I think triggered by his non response to my msg. At least acknowledge that he is sorry or something. I guess it translates to abandonment. And I cannot attack him as our is an affair, emotional attachment is a no no.
Then I start to judge him lacking in the physical area. He is not a body connoisseur. I tot that I am receiving a bad deal. And I want out and seek another lover.

I came to my senses. I recalled what S said about him. He cares for me. He is patient with me. Very few men will wait. He wants to make sure I am well fed, feel safe and comfortable. So, it is not physical per se. Mmm, feeling better now. It was just an attack of body pain.

The Power of Now
Things and conditions can give u pleasure, but they cannot give u joy. Nothing can give u joy. Joy is uncaused and arises from within as the joy of Being. It is ur natural state, not something that u need to work hard for or struggle to attain.

To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease and lightness. This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad. It seems almost paradoxical, yet when ur inner dependency on form is gone, the general conditions of ur life, the outer forms, tend to improve greatly. Things, people or conditions that u tot u needed for ur happiness now come to u with no struggle or effort on ur part, and u r free to enjoy and appreciate them - while they last. All those things, of course, will still pass away, cycles will come and go, but with dependency gone there is no fear of loss anymore. Life flows with ease.

Soul
True, I have experienced it in work life. Father, let me translates it into my love life too.

The Power of Now
Even if everything were to collapse and crumble all around u, u would still feel a deep inner core of peace. U may not be happy, but u will be at peace.

Soul
When I found out Z just wanted an affair only. I was so sad. But when I go into meditation mode, the joy is still there.

The Power of Now
The ego believes that through negativity it can manipulate reality and get what it wants. It believes that through it, it can attract a desirable condition or dissolve and undesirable one.

Of course it doesn't work, except that if further strengthens the ego, and that is why the ego loves it.

Once u have identified with some form of negativity, u will then ignore, deny or sabotage the positive in ur life. This is a common phenomenon. It is also insane.

Soul
Yeap, just now when I was triggered. I wanted to run away to make him change to be loving towards me. I forgot about all the positive points of being with Z.

The Power of Now
U stop negativity from arising by being fully present.

(May 17 - I was just about to ask.)

Soul
Yea, when I knew I was off tangent, I breathe and come back.

Neptune in Scorpio
You may experience conflict between one part of u that is intensely selfish (Ace of Diamond) and another part that is self-sacrificing (Queen of Diamond). You may be able to refine this differences by dissolving the deep hidden issues into universal oneness.

(May 17 - reminds me of my 2nd karma card, Nine of Diamond. Looks like I can overcome this conflict.)

Soul
No wonder such conflict over marriage. I valued my independence and aloneness and yet I have such traditional view of a self sacrificing wife and mother.

Father, thank U for guiding me to see ESTJ. This is so him. It also confirm that INTP and ESTJ is a good match. We r both thinkers but operates from different mode.